I guess this is growing up
"I had the notion that you'd make me forget the world. But your undecisive mind shows me that you are just another girl."-The Spill Canvas
It suddenly occurred to me today that I haven't updated this livejournal since May. I've been writing in a blog over on blogspot and I suppose it's become my replacement for this space. This is a very disheartening thing. Once upon a time, this livejournal held all my secrets. Although, I guess they weren't all that secret, were they? After all, you can still read them. Hell, the worst I thing I've ever done is right the in the month of April, 2004. You could read that right now if you were so inclined. Right now it's just a story- but then it was real life.
I'm writing now because I'm at a sort of impasse in my life. I just returned from Marquette a week ago. I went up there for almost the entire month of June to finish a few classes for my degree. I write these words as a college graduate. That's a feat that would have shocked me when I first started this livejournal.
While I was in Marquette, I met a girl. Her name was Kate. She was everything I look for in a woman- funny, sexy as hell, with the kind of spunk that is usually reserved for the femme fatales of Humphrey Bogart movies. The two of us fell into each other like two glasses of water filling the same vase. I tried to put up my shields, but as I've so famously shown to you over the years, my shields just aren't good enough. She told me she loved me within three days of being together. "Being together," by the way, in this case actually implies closeness. I'd go to class then go to her. I'd wake up next to her and go to class. It was a very advantageous arrangement.
What is a man to do when such a wonderful woman declares her love so finitely, so soon? Well, I told her I couldn't say it back. We grew closer. I gave in on the eigth day. By the 15th day, she was breaking up with me. I was very drunk and she was sober. She said it was moving too fast and that she shouldn't be in a relationship with me just because she wanted a relationship. When I pressed further to find out why the fuck it was ending, she said simply, "I'm irrational, that's all."
No fucking kidding. But instead of lamenting the loss as I have (again, so famously) in the past, I sort of bounced back. I wrote a kickass story for my fiction class. I partied with friends. I did my best to ignore it.
There was a time when I didn't know how to let go. As readers of this livejournal, I'm sure you're aware of that fact. For the first time in my entire life, I just let go. I called her a few days later after a period of silence. I pressed for answers. She had none to give. When the phone call ended, so did my attachment. That girl is awesome, she's amazing, she's the fucking queen- just not in my kingdom. She's perfect for someone else. I'm getting older. I'm losing time for this shit.
And that's the thing, isn't it? These days I'm so concerned about my future, about graduate school, about career opportunities, finances, grades....there's no time to worry about women anymore. If the fifteen year old version of myself, the one who started this livejournal, knew I would some day feel that way, he'd be pretty upset. Women used to be the fucking moon, sun and stars of the world that is my life. They're not anymore.
And a part of me is sad about that. I wanted things with Kate to be a fairy tale. If the two of us had lasted, the story of how we met would've become one. It would've been a story told and re-told until all of its imperfections were ironed out and what we would have been left with was a story that could've only been the stuff of legend. Instead, the story is yet another of twenty or so beginnings in my mind. Just another girl, another attempt, another failure.
The Buddhists, I'm told, believe that destruction is beauty, because nothing in life is constant. They make awesome sand drawings on the floor of their temples and then scatter the sand once they're finished. This is the cycle of life, they believe. Creation, admiration, destruction. And maybe it is. Maybe that is life. Maybe we're all just on this globe to create and destroy, and maybe that's a beautiful thing.
I haven't much time for philosophizing in my life right now. For all intensive purposes, Kate is a girl and I am a boy and we came together for a time and now it's over. That's honeslty the way I think about it. But a part of me is upset because I'm not upset. That's illogical, but no less true.
So there you have it, friends. A true livejournal entry like in the old days, complete with Sum 41 lyrics.
Walk in grace.
It suddenly occurred to me today that I haven't updated this livejournal since May. I've been writing in a blog over on blogspot and I suppose it's become my replacement for this space. This is a very disheartening thing. Once upon a time, this livejournal held all my secrets. Although, I guess they weren't all that secret, were they? After all, you can still read them. Hell, the worst I thing I've ever done is right the in the month of April, 2004. You could read that right now if you were so inclined. Right now it's just a story- but then it was real life.
I'm writing now because I'm at a sort of impasse in my life. I just returned from Marquette a week ago. I went up there for almost the entire month of June to finish a few classes for my degree. I write these words as a college graduate. That's a feat that would have shocked me when I first started this livejournal.
While I was in Marquette, I met a girl. Her name was Kate. She was everything I look for in a woman- funny, sexy as hell, with the kind of spunk that is usually reserved for the femme fatales of Humphrey Bogart movies. The two of us fell into each other like two glasses of water filling the same vase. I tried to put up my shields, but as I've so famously shown to you over the years, my shields just aren't good enough. She told me she loved me within three days of being together. "Being together," by the way, in this case actually implies closeness. I'd go to class then go to her. I'd wake up next to her and go to class. It was a very advantageous arrangement.
What is a man to do when such a wonderful woman declares her love so finitely, so soon? Well, I told her I couldn't say it back. We grew closer. I gave in on the eigth day. By the 15th day, she was breaking up with me. I was very drunk and she was sober. She said it was moving too fast and that she shouldn't be in a relationship with me just because she wanted a relationship. When I pressed further to find out why the fuck it was ending, she said simply, "I'm irrational, that's all."
No fucking kidding. But instead of lamenting the loss as I have (again, so famously) in the past, I sort of bounced back. I wrote a kickass story for my fiction class. I partied with friends. I did my best to ignore it.
There was a time when I didn't know how to let go. As readers of this livejournal, I'm sure you're aware of that fact. For the first time in my entire life, I just let go. I called her a few days later after a period of silence. I pressed for answers. She had none to give. When the phone call ended, so did my attachment. That girl is awesome, she's amazing, she's the fucking queen- just not in my kingdom. She's perfect for someone else. I'm getting older. I'm losing time for this shit.
And that's the thing, isn't it? These days I'm so concerned about my future, about graduate school, about career opportunities, finances, grades....there's no time to worry about women anymore. If the fifteen year old version of myself, the one who started this livejournal, knew I would some day feel that way, he'd be pretty upset. Women used to be the fucking moon, sun and stars of the world that is my life. They're not anymore.
And a part of me is sad about that. I wanted things with Kate to be a fairy tale. If the two of us had lasted, the story of how we met would've become one. It would've been a story told and re-told until all of its imperfections were ironed out and what we would have been left with was a story that could've only been the stuff of legend. Instead, the story is yet another of twenty or so beginnings in my mind. Just another girl, another attempt, another failure.
The Buddhists, I'm told, believe that destruction is beauty, because nothing in life is constant. They make awesome sand drawings on the floor of their temples and then scatter the sand once they're finished. This is the cycle of life, they believe. Creation, admiration, destruction. And maybe it is. Maybe that is life. Maybe we're all just on this globe to create and destroy, and maybe that's a beautiful thing.
I haven't much time for philosophizing in my life right now. For all intensive purposes, Kate is a girl and I am a boy and we came together for a time and now it's over. That's honeslty the way I think about it. But a part of me is upset because I'm not upset. That's illogical, but no less true.
So there you have it, friends. A true livejournal entry like in the old days, complete with Sum 41 lyrics.
Walk in grace.