Catchy titles are overrated... :)
Wow. Last night was interesting to say the least. I probably would have been less emotional if I didn't have the vodka in my system, but oh well. First of all I decided to go ahead and check my e-mail. I didn't know that Ben had sent me two more e-mails after we had that.... fight? I don't know what else to call it. Basically the e-mails just really upset me cause once again Ben is right. He's always right. Then he said the unthinkable. He said I didn't need big brother Ben anymore so he was hanging up his hat. That I would still have friend Ben, but big brother Ben was no longer needed or wanted. This just made me cry. A lot. He's wrong. He's never been so wrong. I've never needed a big brother more. It was just bad timing I guess cause I feel like I'm losing everyone else in my life.
After that I just needed someone to talk to. I needed someone to calm me down. Thank God Tim and I are still friends. Its amazing how he reacts to me when he knows I need something. He was so good. Like the best friend he has always been. Nothing romantic was needed. In fact, I even told him about my problems in that department too and he completely helped me out. He had really good advice actually. He reassured me that I am the person I think I am. I was starting to think that I was wrong about myself and who I am and how I act. He said no. That if I wasn't who I am we would have never lasted as long as we did. He said, "Manda, I'm an ass, you know that, no body would put up with me, but you did. You always did." He told me that my situation now would be funny if it wasn't so sad. That I'm not being read right and that it's sad that someone can be so wrong about me. That made me feel a little better. He was just so helpful. I am who I think I am and I should never doubt it.
He told me that perhaps I need to explain things to this person. He said "Does he know about you? How you grew up? Your relationship with your mom? How goofy she was? How she used to dance down the steps? You idiot father? Your past relationships?" He knows me so well. I'm glad that I'm not losing that friendship. I'm also glad that he knows me well enough to see what I need. He could have tore me apart and ruined a lot of things, but he didn't.
I'm ready to explain myself to someone else. To let them in on the little things. Like my mom dancing down the steps. The things that shaped me into the person I am today.