Eclipse Chapters 12 and 13: THE PLOT IS INTRODUCED
Chapter 12
Bella: Why don't you want me to be a vampire?
Edward: BEING A VAMPIRE IS TERRIBLE, AND IT WOULD MAKE ME AN ASSHOLE. I WOULD FEEL BAD FOREVER.
Bella: LOLFAG.
Edward: Why don't you want to be my wife?
Bella: Because only whores and losers get married right out of highschool.
Edward: But when I ws growing up--
Bella: A MILLION YEARS AGO. GET WITH THE TIMES, BUDDY.
Edward: Well when you live for eternity, you might as well abandon the customs of the times and get married as soon as possible, because you literally have forever to do it.
Bella: oic that makes perfect sense.
NO IT DOESN'T. THE OPPOSITE WOULD ACTUALLY BE TRUE. If you can live forever, there's ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO RUSH, because you will never grow old, or die, or have kids (lol), or whatever, because you are a fucking vampire and cannot die. THIS MAKES NO SENSE.
Emmett's a cool guy. Eh likes to party, and doesn't afraid of anything. I wish these books were about Emmett. Where's Growing Up Cullen when you need it?
Emmett: LET'S PARTY HARDY, WOO, KILL SOME VAMPIRATES!
Edward: EMMETT, CALM YOURSELF. YOU'RE DISTRACTING FROM MY GLORY IN FRONT OF THE LADY.
Bella: /vagina opens up like a carnivorous flower and waits, watching.
Jasper: My... my life was... /choke never easy~
Emmett: OH GAWD, I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR YOUR BACKSTORY. HERE, HAVE A TISSUE.
Jasper: Oh thanks, I was about to cry--
Emmett: YOINK, JUST KIDDING. NO ONE CARES.
Jasper: /sob I HAVE THE SCARS OF PAIN ETCHED ON THE PERFECT FRAME OF MY YOUTH, HOW COULD YOU?
Chapter 13
So apparently there's a vampire gang war from the suthuhn, less civilized part of the country. NO OFFENSE GRITS LADIES, JASPER SAID IT NOT ME.
Jasper: I was... the best officer any army ever had. I was a creature of grace and beauty, destined to touch the very stars with my enormous penis.
Emmett: GOD YOU ARE SO BORING AND FULL OF SHIT.
Jasper: /breaks down in tears. I HAVE A LOT OF PAIN, EMMETT. PAIN.
Anyway, the Italian Stallion vampires contracted some hicks from Georgia to go to Seattle and start a gang war for great lulz and because Carlisle smells and is a doodooface. Jasper is on the charge! LEAD THE ATTACK, GLORIOUS ANGEL OF DEATH!!! Emmett just want corndog. OR DID THEY??? It's a mystery that we will probably find out in some unclimactic way, like a one-liner in the second to last chapter or something. Emmett pees his pants due to boredom.
And I guess that's all for now.
Bella: Why don't you want me to be a vampire?
Edward: BEING A VAMPIRE IS TERRIBLE, AND IT WOULD MAKE ME AN ASSHOLE. I WOULD FEEL BAD FOREVER.
Bella: LOLFAG.
Edward: Why don't you want to be my wife?
Bella: Because only whores and losers get married right out of highschool.
Edward: But when I ws growing up--
Bella: A MILLION YEARS AGO. GET WITH THE TIMES, BUDDY.
Edward: Well when you live for eternity, you might as well abandon the customs of the times and get married as soon as possible, because you literally have forever to do it.
Bella: oic that makes perfect sense.
NO IT DOESN'T. THE OPPOSITE WOULD ACTUALLY BE TRUE. If you can live forever, there's ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO RUSH, because you will never grow old, or die, or have kids (lol), or whatever, because you are a fucking vampire and cannot die. THIS MAKES NO SENSE.
Emmett's a cool guy. Eh likes to party, and doesn't afraid of anything. I wish these books were about Emmett. Where's Growing Up Cullen when you need it?
Emmett: LET'S PARTY HARDY, WOO, KILL SOME VAMPIRATES!
Edward: EMMETT, CALM YOURSELF. YOU'RE DISTRACTING FROM MY GLORY IN FRONT OF THE LADY.
Bella: /vagina opens up like a carnivorous flower and waits, watching.
Jasper: My... my life was... /choke never easy~
Emmett: OH GAWD, I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR YOUR BACKSTORY. HERE, HAVE A TISSUE.
Jasper: Oh thanks, I was about to cry--
Emmett: YOINK, JUST KIDDING. NO ONE CARES.
Jasper: /sob I HAVE THE SCARS OF PAIN ETCHED ON THE PERFECT FRAME OF MY YOUTH, HOW COULD YOU?
Chapter 13
So apparently there's a vampire gang war from the suthuhn, less civilized part of the country. NO OFFENSE GRITS LADIES, JASPER SAID IT NOT ME.
Jasper: I was... the best officer any army ever had. I was a creature of grace and beauty, destined to touch the very stars with my enormous penis.
Emmett: GOD YOU ARE SO BORING AND FULL OF SHIT.
Jasper: /breaks down in tears. I HAVE A LOT OF PAIN, EMMETT. PAIN.
Anyway, the Italian Stallion vampires contracted some hicks from Georgia to go to Seattle and start a gang war for great lulz and because Carlisle smells and is a doodooface. Jasper is on the charge! LEAD THE ATTACK, GLORIOUS ANGEL OF DEATH!!! Emmett just want corndog. OR DID THEY??? It's a mystery that we will probably find out in some unclimactic way, like a one-liner in the second to last chapter or something. Emmett pees his pants due to boredom.
And I guess that's all for now.