Twatlight: Eclipse Chapter 1
Chapter One:
Some gay poetry to start the book off, big surprise.
Bella reads a letter from her ex-friend Jacob, who tells her he hates her because she is a crazy bitch. Then she wonders what she can call Edward BESIDES boyfriend, which doesn't carry the ring "baby daddy" does. Perhaps Master would be more to her liking.
Nevermind, apparently she's Edward's fake fiancee, which makes her feel weird. But calling him shit like destiny hope/Miley Cyrus is not weird.
In the last book, Edward dumped Bella and she tried to kill herself, then ran away to Italy for lulz while leading Jacob the werewolf on for about 300 pages. Naturally, she is grounded. But since her dad is SO MEAN, and SO UNFAIR, he lets her Miley Cyrus fiancee thing see her for a few hours anyway. They probably play Scrabble, or Apples to Apples. Or they read the Bible or some shiot.
EW BELLA IS READING WUTHERING HEIGHTS. AS A SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL, FOR FUN. Meyer subtley drops a line about Heathcliff returning home. Because Edward is Heathcliff. Get it? /kills self
Charlie: Um you are a social outcast and have no friends.
Bella: That's not even true!
Charlie: Yes it is. You are unpopular.
Bella: But I'm going to become a vampire soon and abandon everyone I've ever known to be with Miley Cyrus!
Charlie: AP BUP BUP. Unpopular. Get a life.
Then Edward came over and Bella creamed herself for a few paragraphs. Edward's been accepted to Harvard, y'all! Pajama party!
Ew, right, Dartmouth is going to accept Bella's extremely late application so she can go to school with Miley Cullen (also accepted there, y'all!), because that happens so often, and Bella is so smurt.
Edward grows a brain; hates Wuthering Heights. Then they subtley compare themselves to Heathcliff and Cathy, proving once and for all that they are worthless sods of characters and the book I'm reading RIGHT NOW is complete rubbish.
Bella: So I'm gonna go hang with Jacob.
Edward: No, I dislike him and he is a doo doo head.
Bella: BUT WRYYYYY
Edward: BECAUSE HE IS POOP IN MY TOILET.
Bella: You are extremely uncomfortable and cold like a piece of rock. I like that. I will cuddle with you/it/Miley Cyrus. Will you sing to me?
Edward: No. And if you attempt to have friends and stop cooking me sammiches, I will beat you with my belt. ...Because I love you.
Bella: That's so sweet. ilu, personal miracle. Personal Mileycle.
THE END.
Some gay poetry to start the book off, big surprise.
Bella reads a letter from her ex-friend Jacob, who tells her he hates her because she is a crazy bitch. Then she wonders what she can call Edward BESIDES boyfriend, which doesn't carry the ring "baby daddy" does. Perhaps Master would be more to her liking.
Nevermind, apparently she's Edward's fake fiancee, which makes her feel weird. But calling him shit like destiny hope/Miley Cyrus is not weird.
In the last book, Edward dumped Bella and she tried to kill herself, then ran away to Italy for lulz while leading Jacob the werewolf on for about 300 pages. Naturally, she is grounded. But since her dad is SO MEAN, and SO UNFAIR, he lets her Miley Cyrus fiancee thing see her for a few hours anyway. They probably play Scrabble, or Apples to Apples. Or they read the Bible or some shiot.
EW BELLA IS READING WUTHERING HEIGHTS. AS A SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL, FOR FUN. Meyer subtley drops a line about Heathcliff returning home. Because Edward is Heathcliff. Get it? /kills self
Charlie: Um you are a social outcast and have no friends.
Bella: That's not even true!
Charlie: Yes it is. You are unpopular.
Bella: But I'm going to become a vampire soon and abandon everyone I've ever known to be with Miley Cyrus!
Charlie: AP BUP BUP. Unpopular. Get a life.
Then Edward came over and Bella creamed herself for a few paragraphs. Edward's been accepted to Harvard, y'all! Pajama party!
Ew, right, Dartmouth is going to accept Bella's extremely late application so she can go to school with Miley Cullen (also accepted there, y'all!), because that happens so often, and Bella is so smurt.
Edward grows a brain; hates Wuthering Heights. Then they subtley compare themselves to Heathcliff and Cathy, proving once and for all that they are worthless sods of characters and the book I'm reading RIGHT NOW is complete rubbish.
Bella: So I'm gonna go hang with Jacob.
Edward: No, I dislike him and he is a doo doo head.
Bella: BUT WRYYYYY
Edward: BECAUSE HE IS POOP IN MY TOILET.
Bella: You are extremely uncomfortable and cold like a piece of rock. I like that. I will cuddle with you/it/Miley Cyrus. Will you sing to me?
Edward: No. And if you attempt to have friends and stop cooking me sammiches, I will beat you with my belt. ...Because I love you.
Bella: That's so sweet. ilu, personal miracle. Personal Mileycle.
THE END.