What's Going On?/What I Did With That
Ok so if anyone read this post and only saw dispair, here's the updated version. I think posting it and really seeing what I was doing was the textual kick in the butt I needed to start working.
The world is not falling apart, thank goodness. Something may be happening to me. (Something was happening: I realized I'm too submissive to act on my own. I work so much better when someone tells me what to do). I know I have more than 15 messages from my scholarship tutor and I have all day to read them and I haven't...because I just can't turn on my computer. (I turned on my computer, those 15 messages ended up being the same but just a constant reminder that I was breaking the scholarship rules by not checking the site constantly. I apologized to my tutor and I promised to work on that unique task I have missing. I'm working on it, thank God).
But I can read an amazing book in two days, (Really, it was amazing. I'll need to rant about it in a couple of days, after my full "responsibility recovery". There's no use in falling down the rabbit hole again). and I've been reading fanfiction like mad. (I can't stop reading! That's a true addiction, but I asked my brother to hide my phone for a couple of hours so I can focus). And I'm almost done knitting a scarf. (The scarf was also hidden so I don't get distracted by my need to finish that).
But I can't finish translating my freelance not-payed designed chapters. (Working on that). And I can't open the chat with my "boss" to tell that I may not be able to deliver them on time because something weird is going on with me. (I finally opened the chat. I asked for a couple of days to deliver them and if she isn't about to "fire" me. I'll have to show her why she "hired" me *because I'm good as hell when I'm focused).
I also can't tell a friend that I won't be able to translate her manga pages even though she asked if I was alright after being silent for weeks. (I'll have to tell her soon. I don't feel that bad about it. I guess I really wasn't meant to do it. Sorry, friend).
I have time to write this, and to watch movies at 2 am. (I have time to write this!! And I'm sick so no more movies for me).
What is happening to me and how do I stop it? (I'm a sensible and lazy person, I guess) I feel so irresponsible (I am) and useless (I've discovered I'm not) and a waste of space (I am if I'm not doing good things) but I just don't get that SOMETHING to do something about it. I really want to but I'm stuck. I'm so frustrated that I feel guilty and worried and close to crying (With this I mean I've been crying) everyday since I finished my first semester at Uni. (With fucking good grades! I SHOULD BE PROUD OF THAT AND THAT SHOULD BE MY MOTIVATION TO STAY RESPONSIBLE)
And I'm lost. (And I'm finding myself)
The world is not falling apart, thank goodness. Something may be happening to me. (Something was happening: I realized I'm too submissive to act on my own. I work so much better when someone tells me what to do). I know I have more than 15 messages from my scholarship tutor and I have all day to read them and I haven't...because I just can't turn on my computer. (I turned on my computer, those 15 messages ended up being the same but just a constant reminder that I was breaking the scholarship rules by not checking the site constantly. I apologized to my tutor and I promised to work on that unique task I have missing. I'm working on it, thank God).
But I can read an amazing book in two days, (Really, it was amazing. I'll need to rant about it in a couple of days, after my full "responsibility recovery". There's no use in falling down the rabbit hole again). and I've been reading fanfiction like mad. (I can't stop reading! That's a true addiction, but I asked my brother to hide my phone for a couple of hours so I can focus). And I'm almost done knitting a scarf. (The scarf was also hidden so I don't get distracted by my need to finish that).
But I can't finish translating my freelance not-payed designed chapters. (Working on that). And I can't open the chat with my "boss" to tell that I may not be able to deliver them on time because something weird is going on with me. (I finally opened the chat. I asked for a couple of days to deliver them and if she isn't about to "fire" me. I'll have to show her why she "hired" me *because I'm good as hell when I'm focused).
I also can't tell a friend that I won't be able to translate her manga pages even though she asked if I was alright after being silent for weeks. (I'll have to tell her soon. I don't feel that bad about it. I guess I really wasn't meant to do it. Sorry, friend).
I have time to write this, and to watch movies at 2 am. (I have time to write this!! And I'm sick so no more movies for me).
What is happening to me and how do I stop it? (I'm a sensible and lazy person, I guess) I feel so irresponsible (I am) and useless (I've discovered I'm not) and a waste of space (I am if I'm not doing good things) but I just don't get that SOMETHING to do something about it. I really want to but I'm stuck. I'm so frustrated that I feel guilty and worried and close to crying (With this I mean I've been crying) everyday since I finished my first semester at Uni. (With fucking good grades! I SHOULD BE PROUD OF THAT AND THAT SHOULD BE MY MOTIVATION TO STAY RESPONSIBLE)
And I'm lost. (And I'm finding myself)