I guess this is growing up...
Okay, so here's the thing, I'm shit when it comes to updating anything. But when I have something to say, I might as well say it. Right now I've realized a lot of things. Maybe this happened a long time ago and maybe it's just recent, but either way, I've definitely grown up. It seems weird to say that especially knowing what growing up means for me.
Just for some perspective, I'm a junior in high school. Obviously I don't have that much life experience. I've grown up in a perfectly normal home with a less than normal family (not that it's bad). I've had the privelege of being able to do the things that I want to do with my parents' support. That being said, there are only a few things that have really affected me in my life.
If you've been keeping up with my journal for a while, you'll know that my Aunt passed away less than a year ago. I had to watch my mother plan her funeral for over six months before she died. It was one of the most enlightening and heartbreaking expereinces of my life. I saw the kind of woman my Aunt was. She didn't let the hurdles of life get the best of her. Through her many struggles with cancer she managed to recover with a smile. Through he husbands death she recovered. This last struggle is what got the best of her. I spent a fair amount of my weekends riding in a car for an hour and a half to see my Aunt in the months before her death. She's someone who I've always loved, but had never gotten to know. It wasn't until the week following her death that I had learned so much about her. What she loved, who she loved and how long. I wanted to be a little more like her and a little less than who I was at the time.
That's not to say that I was a bad person, because I don't believe that I was. However, I was a little more superficial than I am now. I cared a little too much about what everyone thought. And sometimes I just wasn't comfortable being me. All of these things didn't disappear with her death, obviously. But some things did. I learned to breath a little bit more and enjoy what life had to offer. And, because I knew my Aunt the way that I did, I had been changed. At this point, nearly a year later, I'm more than happy about this.
Enough of the sad stuff. Fast forward to this past summer and enter Matt. He was the boy that I had liked all through middle school and my freshman year of highschool. We had become actual friends the spring prior because suddenly he was coming to me about wanting to date my long time friend. I no longer had a crush on him and tried to help as best as I could. From that point on, we had become a hell of a lot closer. Moving on. That summer we had been working on a musical together and he took me home every Sunday. During that time I had asked him questions about his past girlfriends that iinew of and we started to discuss how he had changed over time. "I used to be this boring kid, like people would like me but I was soooo boring. I was the quiet kid who didn't do anything," he told me. "Then decided that I wasn't going to be that kid anymore. I was going to be who I am now, a completely ridiculous kid who doesn't mind being inappropriate and causing shenanigans."
Those words and the discussions that Matt and I had helped me grow, I think. I realized then that growing up didn't necessarily mean acting more mature. It changed my whole perspective on who I was and what growing up meant. No longer was it about being a mature adult, it was about being comfortable in you own skin and willing to be who you want to be, but not at the expense of others. I stopped worrying soooo much about what people thought of me (not to say that I didn't want to make a good impression). But I started becoming more comfortable in my skin. I still am today.
That leads me to this afternoon. In Physics we got off-topic, perusual. This time it was different. With the right kinds of poking and prodding, our teacher, Mr. Swick, told us about his time in Vietnam. It was heartbreaking and eye-opening. War is hell. The fact that Mr. Swick was willing to open up to a bunch of high school students about scarring memories is amazing to me. He talked about how messed up some people were, how old men and children were killed without just reason. Mr. Swick survived a 105 fever and was taken to the hospital by helicopter. In his time there, like 13 our of 25 members of his platoon had been killed. At that time, he found himself lucky. Now he lives with the guilt that he wasn't there with them.
I guess what I'm getting to is that the third part of growing up is being able to appreciate your experiences. And after today I've realized that sometime you need to know someone else's experiences before you can truly appreciate your own. I'm lucky that I live in a time where there is no need to draft soldiers. I'm lucky that my father isn't a member of the Armed Forces and hasn't gone to Iraq or Afghanistan. I'm lucky to know that my family was never tortured in a POW camp in Vietnam. I'm lucky that no one in my family died there because our government was too goddamned proud to pay for war damages or whatever. I appreciate my life and who I am more than ever now.
I guess this is growing up.
Thanks for reading.
With love,
Alibee
Just for some perspective, I'm a junior in high school. Obviously I don't have that much life experience. I've grown up in a perfectly normal home with a less than normal family (not that it's bad). I've had the privelege of being able to do the things that I want to do with my parents' support. That being said, there are only a few things that have really affected me in my life.
If you've been keeping up with my journal for a while, you'll know that my Aunt passed away less than a year ago. I had to watch my mother plan her funeral for over six months before she died. It was one of the most enlightening and heartbreaking expereinces of my life. I saw the kind of woman my Aunt was. She didn't let the hurdles of life get the best of her. Through her many struggles with cancer she managed to recover with a smile. Through he husbands death she recovered. This last struggle is what got the best of her. I spent a fair amount of my weekends riding in a car for an hour and a half to see my Aunt in the months before her death. She's someone who I've always loved, but had never gotten to know. It wasn't until the week following her death that I had learned so much about her. What she loved, who she loved and how long. I wanted to be a little more like her and a little less than who I was at the time.
That's not to say that I was a bad person, because I don't believe that I was. However, I was a little more superficial than I am now. I cared a little too much about what everyone thought. And sometimes I just wasn't comfortable being me. All of these things didn't disappear with her death, obviously. But some things did. I learned to breath a little bit more and enjoy what life had to offer. And, because I knew my Aunt the way that I did, I had been changed. At this point, nearly a year later, I'm more than happy about this.
Enough of the sad stuff. Fast forward to this past summer and enter Matt. He was the boy that I had liked all through middle school and my freshman year of highschool. We had become actual friends the spring prior because suddenly he was coming to me about wanting to date my long time friend. I no longer had a crush on him and tried to help as best as I could. From that point on, we had become a hell of a lot closer. Moving on. That summer we had been working on a musical together and he took me home every Sunday. During that time I had asked him questions about his past girlfriends that iinew of and we started to discuss how he had changed over time. "I used to be this boring kid, like people would like me but I was soooo boring. I was the quiet kid who didn't do anything," he told me. "Then decided that I wasn't going to be that kid anymore. I was going to be who I am now, a completely ridiculous kid who doesn't mind being inappropriate and causing shenanigans."
Those words and the discussions that Matt and I had helped me grow, I think. I realized then that growing up didn't necessarily mean acting more mature. It changed my whole perspective on who I was and what growing up meant. No longer was it about being a mature adult, it was about being comfortable in you own skin and willing to be who you want to be, but not at the expense of others. I stopped worrying soooo much about what people thought of me (not to say that I didn't want to make a good impression). But I started becoming more comfortable in my skin. I still am today.
That leads me to this afternoon. In Physics we got off-topic, perusual. This time it was different. With the right kinds of poking and prodding, our teacher, Mr. Swick, told us about his time in Vietnam. It was heartbreaking and eye-opening. War is hell. The fact that Mr. Swick was willing to open up to a bunch of high school students about scarring memories is amazing to me. He talked about how messed up some people were, how old men and children were killed without just reason. Mr. Swick survived a 105 fever and was taken to the hospital by helicopter. In his time there, like 13 our of 25 members of his platoon had been killed. At that time, he found himself lucky. Now he lives with the guilt that he wasn't there with them.
I guess what I'm getting to is that the third part of growing up is being able to appreciate your experiences. And after today I've realized that sometime you need to know someone else's experiences before you can truly appreciate your own. I'm lucky that I live in a time where there is no need to draft soldiers. I'm lucky that my father isn't a member of the Armed Forces and hasn't gone to Iraq or Afghanistan. I'm lucky to know that my family was never tortured in a POW camp in Vietnam. I'm lucky that no one in my family died there because our government was too goddamned proud to pay for war damages or whatever. I appreciate my life and who I am more than ever now.
I guess this is growing up.
Thanks for reading.
With love,
Alibee