Stillness of heart
So apparently my therapist told me that writing in my journal would be good for me. Go figure 25 years later and we’re still doing this shit. lol
Being said life has been good in some regards and Bad and others. I love spending time with Dakota. I love working out. I spend a lot of time on self-care and cryotherapy the sauna the gym pretty much every facial thing you could possibly think of I have a super clean, healthy diet take all of the supplements and lately. I’ve been trying to focus on getting more sleep.
Despite all of this, I have been on and off again with probably the most toxic version of a boyfriend I could’ve ever chosen for myself. I hate how attached I am to him because honestly, he’s not the right fit. He’s only partially emotionally available. he’s financially unstable. He’s emotionally unstable and quite frankly he’s extremely selfish and immature. So one might ask then, why am I spending all of my free time paying attention to someone that is not on my level I think it’s probably called attachment issues.
😂🤦♀️
Anyway, in the latest installment of Alexis needs to finally end this shit tastic relationship…
I had the most amazing day at work yesterday. I was the department head for a major brand campaign shoot for Laroche Posay. This is the first time I would say I have been a department head for this huge of a team on such a high end campaign. Sure I’ve been department head for conference events and some smaller scale projects. But I really was very proud of myself for how Well I pulled off the management of the team and also made sure that everyone was taken care of on site. It was one of those days that leading up to the shoot I was extremely anxious and nervous and several people in my life for being helpful and supportive, including my Hair And Makeup team. Even toxic boyfriend was being supportive and loving, but we know that that doesn’t really go anywhere. Fast-forward to completion of the project and me optimistically hoping that toxic boyfriend would take me out to dinner and we could celebrate. But instead, oh no toxic boyfriend quit his new job that he’d only had for a week. And unfortunately, I really could not justify driving 30 miles each way 1.5 hours round-trip just to have sushi with him after working a grueling 12 hour day when it would’ve been nice if he could’ve come over here and spend the night. Especially considering that he was now jobless and had no work responsibilities the next day. But he can no longer spend the night at my house because he decided to adopt a dog that pisses and shits all over his house. Anyway, the point is I knew as soon as I asked if we could do sushi that it would require me to go up to him.
I guess while I was driving home, realizing this I was replaying in my head, the rest of my team talking about all the nice things their boyfriends did for them and how lucky they were. I sat there quietly agreeing with them in my mind about how lucky they really were. Hearing stories about how their boyfriends and husbands help them wash their make up brushes, take their make up kit to their cars, be their cheerleader and support system amongst other things. Meanwhile, I can’t even get my toxic boyfriend to spend the night let alone be on the phone long enough to really hear anything I’m saying. All he’s focused on is himself. And if we aren’t talking about cars or toys or trash television that he loves to watch then really anything I have to say it’s just like he’s waiting for me to shut up. It’s so empty being stuck in this. I think I am stuck between being depressed and ripping the Band-Aid off from this toxic Relationship and being completely alone. I honestly think maybe I only keep him around because I’m really lonely and I at least like that we have the cars thing in common and all the people in the Karr group. I think I have created in my mind the problem that no one will want to be friends with me after we break up and then it will be awkward amongst the mutual group of people that we know. But in reality, I’m so miserable currently that I don’t even know what the point is. For instance, I should’ve gone to the car meet tonight but instead Because he said something shitty and toxic to me about not wanting to give me directions to meet telling me that I needed to do the work myself. And then it just hit home with me, listening to these friends and colleagues of mine, talking about all of the amazing epic things that their partners do and my own fucking toxic boyfriend can’t even be bothered to look up an address for me. Anyway, I’m rambling but the point is I’ve been trying to work on emotionally detaching myself from him more. I guess it’s just shit timing because it’s the holidays quite frankly I hate these holidays. I have literally zero interest in them. In fact, I’ve already gotten Christmas presents for the people that mattered and I haven’t even gotten something for him. It’s like I can’t even stomach getting something for him because last year he could Have gotten the birthday Christmas presents instead he bought himself $125,000 car from Japan and then complained to me that he didn’t have a job and he didn’t have any money to get me anything and then he wrote me a card with an IOU in it and then he ripped it up.
Sometimes I honestly think I would hate him, but because I’m so at peace with everything else in my life and trying to operate on a higher frequency and vibration that instead of projecting outward hate towards him, I just project inward on my own self loathing, disappointment, loneliness, and critique of why I would date such a loser. I really need to do something different. OK that’s it for now. I’m going to try to go to a peloton workout so that I don’t get in my feelings anymore than I already have.
Being said life has been good in some regards and Bad and others. I love spending time with Dakota. I love working out. I spend a lot of time on self-care and cryotherapy the sauna the gym pretty much every facial thing you could possibly think of I have a super clean, healthy diet take all of the supplements and lately. I’ve been trying to focus on getting more sleep.
Despite all of this, I have been on and off again with probably the most toxic version of a boyfriend I could’ve ever chosen for myself. I hate how attached I am to him because honestly, he’s not the right fit. He’s only partially emotionally available. he’s financially unstable. He’s emotionally unstable and quite frankly he’s extremely selfish and immature. So one might ask then, why am I spending all of my free time paying attention to someone that is not on my level I think it’s probably called attachment issues.
😂🤦♀️
Anyway, in the latest installment of Alexis needs to finally end this shit tastic relationship…
I had the most amazing day at work yesterday. I was the department head for a major brand campaign shoot for Laroche Posay. This is the first time I would say I have been a department head for this huge of a team on such a high end campaign. Sure I’ve been department head for conference events and some smaller scale projects. But I really was very proud of myself for how Well I pulled off the management of the team and also made sure that everyone was taken care of on site. It was one of those days that leading up to the shoot I was extremely anxious and nervous and several people in my life for being helpful and supportive, including my Hair And Makeup team. Even toxic boyfriend was being supportive and loving, but we know that that doesn’t really go anywhere. Fast-forward to completion of the project and me optimistically hoping that toxic boyfriend would take me out to dinner and we could celebrate. But instead, oh no toxic boyfriend quit his new job that he’d only had for a week. And unfortunately, I really could not justify driving 30 miles each way 1.5 hours round-trip just to have sushi with him after working a grueling 12 hour day when it would’ve been nice if he could’ve come over here and spend the night. Especially considering that he was now jobless and had no work responsibilities the next day. But he can no longer spend the night at my house because he decided to adopt a dog that pisses and shits all over his house. Anyway, the point is I knew as soon as I asked if we could do sushi that it would require me to go up to him.
I guess while I was driving home, realizing this I was replaying in my head, the rest of my team talking about all the nice things their boyfriends did for them and how lucky they were. I sat there quietly agreeing with them in my mind about how lucky they really were. Hearing stories about how their boyfriends and husbands help them wash their make up brushes, take their make up kit to their cars, be their cheerleader and support system amongst other things. Meanwhile, I can’t even get my toxic boyfriend to spend the night let alone be on the phone long enough to really hear anything I’m saying. All he’s focused on is himself. And if we aren’t talking about cars or toys or trash television that he loves to watch then really anything I have to say it’s just like he’s waiting for me to shut up. It’s so empty being stuck in this. I think I am stuck between being depressed and ripping the Band-Aid off from this toxic Relationship and being completely alone. I honestly think maybe I only keep him around because I’m really lonely and I at least like that we have the cars thing in common and all the people in the Karr group. I think I have created in my mind the problem that no one will want to be friends with me after we break up and then it will be awkward amongst the mutual group of people that we know. But in reality, I’m so miserable currently that I don’t even know what the point is. For instance, I should’ve gone to the car meet tonight but instead Because he said something shitty and toxic to me about not wanting to give me directions to meet telling me that I needed to do the work myself. And then it just hit home with me, listening to these friends and colleagues of mine, talking about all of the amazing epic things that their partners do and my own fucking toxic boyfriend can’t even be bothered to look up an address for me. Anyway, I’m rambling but the point is I’ve been trying to work on emotionally detaching myself from him more. I guess it’s just shit timing because it’s the holidays quite frankly I hate these holidays. I have literally zero interest in them. In fact, I’ve already gotten Christmas presents for the people that mattered and I haven’t even gotten something for him. It’s like I can’t even stomach getting something for him because last year he could Have gotten the birthday Christmas presents instead he bought himself $125,000 car from Japan and then complained to me that he didn’t have a job and he didn’t have any money to get me anything and then he wrote me a card with an IOU in it and then he ripped it up.
Sometimes I honestly think I would hate him, but because I’m so at peace with everything else in my life and trying to operate on a higher frequency and vibration that instead of projecting outward hate towards him, I just project inward on my own self loathing, disappointment, loneliness, and critique of why I would date such a loser. I really need to do something different. OK that’s it for now. I’m going to try to go to a peloton workout so that I don’t get in my feelings anymore than I already have.