(no subject)
Is it time now? Time so give in to the end of the night for the last time. Time to play the doors End of the night followed by eclipse, pink floyd. Is it time I called my mother and apologize to her for all the harm I did. Is it time I took the lump of pills I've counted day in and day out. Should I play the last song, take the last breath? Now its been built up, as though I've lost control over the situation and I have no choice. The truth is I could never do it because I would definatly try heroin first. I would go on a long journey to find the 60's and heroin.
But there are so many pills, just right there. I can see them.
Can I transport myself to memories like a reel of my life just to say goodbye to those memories that made up me and would only ever make sense to me. Back in Verulum, on a big, rectangular, sunny porch I devour fresh, sweet mango. I walk inside and go downstairs to look at the fish's in the huge fishtank, between the living room and the kithen. Part of me wants to stay alive just so I could go back to that house in the middle of Verulum. So I could drive around with my cousins and sneak smokes out the windows. Those feel like the only moments that ever mattered. The only ones who will cry when I'm gone are those I'm blood related too. Somehow my parents managed to allow their family to know me. I'm kind of glad they haven't gotten to see me go crazy. They were partly what kept me sane for so long. Just the belief that there would be a nice south african boy that would come whisk me off my feet (that is the fantasy my mother drove into my head).
Speaking of mothers. Mom I am sorry. I want to call you this very instant but something won't allow me too. I'm wearing those new green pants. I really like them. And I really love you. And dad. Why do I have to be such a failure? I'm a failure to everyone. I think I should take some sedatives and go to sleep.
I hope that works, Dr. Jablonowski, that you for trying.
But there are so many pills, just right there. I can see them.
Can I transport myself to memories like a reel of my life just to say goodbye to those memories that made up me and would only ever make sense to me. Back in Verulum, on a big, rectangular, sunny porch I devour fresh, sweet mango. I walk inside and go downstairs to look at the fish's in the huge fishtank, between the living room and the kithen. Part of me wants to stay alive just so I could go back to that house in the middle of Verulum. So I could drive around with my cousins and sneak smokes out the windows. Those feel like the only moments that ever mattered. The only ones who will cry when I'm gone are those I'm blood related too. Somehow my parents managed to allow their family to know me. I'm kind of glad they haven't gotten to see me go crazy. They were partly what kept me sane for so long. Just the belief that there would be a nice south african boy that would come whisk me off my feet (that is the fantasy my mother drove into my head).
Speaking of mothers. Mom I am sorry. I want to call you this very instant but something won't allow me too. I'm wearing those new green pants. I really like them. And I really love you. And dad. Why do I have to be such a failure? I'm a failure to everyone. I think I should take some sedatives and go to sleep.
I hope that works, Dr. Jablonowski, that you for trying.