(no subject)
Well, clearly I've had a lot of thinking time... I'm in the dorms now, with Ms. Feather. Seems like it's going to be pretty quiet, which is nice I must say. Luckily most of our new students seem great; I've already made a couple of freshman friends.
Strange... I just wrote a large paragraph about something and then erased it. Not ready for that public purging of emotions just yet. I think I'm going to start a private journal too, just pen and paper. I've been writing a bit lately and it's really helped. When I write about my thoughts and feelings they become so clear (sometimes things feel so jumbled when I just let my mind race).
I'm discovering how very little I like myself. I can't really explain that any furthur. I get frustrated with myself. I've been hoping that coming back to school would help. I have a strong sense of responsibility when I'm here: I really want to do well in classes, work on shows, and (now) make SPA something really great.
I guess that's the good news. I'm discovering what I really DO like as well as what I don't: I like being around people (as long as the room isn't too small, claustrophobic, you know), a smile and even a compliment from a stranger, a hug that really says "I'm so happy to see you!", and writing. Gods I missed writing. I didn't know I could do it anymore until I sat down with a full head, a heavy heart and an empty stomach. I poured it all out. Like sucking the poison out of a snake bite.
I dreamt about that. A snake bite. Two deep puncture wounds throbbed inches from my wrist. I could feel the poison coursing through my veins and I told everyone (and indeed, EVERYONE was there) but no one would help me. No one seemed concerned. I was told to simply suck the poison out myself and they were sure I would be fine. I'm still not entirely sure what it means or if it means anything at all.
Auditions tonight.
Strange... I just wrote a large paragraph about something and then erased it. Not ready for that public purging of emotions just yet. I think I'm going to start a private journal too, just pen and paper. I've been writing a bit lately and it's really helped. When I write about my thoughts and feelings they become so clear (sometimes things feel so jumbled when I just let my mind race).
I'm discovering how very little I like myself. I can't really explain that any furthur. I get frustrated with myself. I've been hoping that coming back to school would help. I have a strong sense of responsibility when I'm here: I really want to do well in classes, work on shows, and (now) make SPA something really great.
I guess that's the good news. I'm discovering what I really DO like as well as what I don't: I like being around people (as long as the room isn't too small, claustrophobic, you know), a smile and even a compliment from a stranger, a hug that really says "I'm so happy to see you!", and writing. Gods I missed writing. I didn't know I could do it anymore until I sat down with a full head, a heavy heart and an empty stomach. I poured it all out. Like sucking the poison out of a snake bite.
I dreamt about that. A snake bite. Two deep puncture wounds throbbed inches from my wrist. I could feel the poison coursing through my veins and I told everyone (and indeed, EVERYONE was there) but no one would help me. No one seemed concerned. I was told to simply suck the poison out myself and they were sure I would be fine. I'm still not entirely sure what it means or if it means anything at all.
Auditions tonight.