alive
just came back from the theater. leslie took me out to see "pirates..". i had seen it already, but it was more enjoyable with her because we were both drooling over johnny depp. he looks way good with the black eye make up. *drool*
i did encounter a few moments of sadness, but, for the most part, i was a happy person today.
i would see a few things that brought back his memory and i'd want to cry, but i didn't want to make lelie sad (otherwise, i'd be sad for making her feel bad). i held it back. i felt powerful for being able to control myself and concentrate on the present. i felt powerful for laughing and smiling and having fun. that is a power that most others take for granted, but i relished it. it tasted like the sands of the shore i was reaching for. for a moment, i was no longer stranded in the middle of the ocean. i was rescued.
i had almost forgotten what it meant to be happy. i thought that it was a dream, a fantasy, science fiction, something that is talked about but never really experienced. it is heaven - a myth. but, i now remember it. the myth was true. it was real. it wasn't a story that is told to people who want to believe that tears are not the only thing in this world. they were right for believing in it. it's rare, but it exist, like an animal that we think is extinct until we later find out that there is a place where they flourish, a place were they are not dying out, fading out, disappearing from the face of the earth. they are alive. and now, so am i.
i am glad that i never gave up. i'm glad that i never gave in. i am glad that i woke up and, even though the road ahead is long and bleak, it's a road i'm willing to take. i want to reach the end of it. whether it is hope or just more emptiness, i want to see it. i want to know that i tried.
i did encounter a few moments of sadness, but, for the most part, i was a happy person today.
i would see a few things that brought back his memory and i'd want to cry, but i didn't want to make lelie sad (otherwise, i'd be sad for making her feel bad). i held it back. i felt powerful for being able to control myself and concentrate on the present. i felt powerful for laughing and smiling and having fun. that is a power that most others take for granted, but i relished it. it tasted like the sands of the shore i was reaching for. for a moment, i was no longer stranded in the middle of the ocean. i was rescued.
i had almost forgotten what it meant to be happy. i thought that it was a dream, a fantasy, science fiction, something that is talked about but never really experienced. it is heaven - a myth. but, i now remember it. the myth was true. it was real. it wasn't a story that is told to people who want to believe that tears are not the only thing in this world. they were right for believing in it. it's rare, but it exist, like an animal that we think is extinct until we later find out that there is a place where they flourish, a place were they are not dying out, fading out, disappearing from the face of the earth. they are alive. and now, so am i.
i am glad that i never gave up. i'm glad that i never gave in. i am glad that i woke up and, even though the road ahead is long and bleak, it's a road i'm willing to take. i want to reach the end of it. whether it is hope or just more emptiness, i want to see it. i want to know that i tried.