it's late
my fears and insecurities always get in the way -- my happiness is at stake here. what ever happened to sponteneity?
i feel torn.
when i think of him i wonder if i made the right decision to not open myself up completely. i never thought of myself as guarded, but i guess i am. it's that fear again. could it be that i don't think i'm worthy of that kind of happiness, that love? i don't know what's wrong with me. prudence? fear of failure? or that "my parents would never approve"-feeling? i hate that. feeling i need to please others. that self-inflicted code. fucking wreck.
i want to burst free. no rules and no obligations. no plan. no promises. just me.
p.s.
Orpheus the Cat is snoring. and if he weren't quite so mean or snotty, i'd snuggle-up next to him.
i feel torn.
when i think of him i wonder if i made the right decision to not open myself up completely. i never thought of myself as guarded, but i guess i am. it's that fear again. could it be that i don't think i'm worthy of that kind of happiness, that love? i don't know what's wrong with me. prudence? fear of failure? or that "my parents would never approve"-feeling? i hate that. feeling i need to please others. that self-inflicted code. fucking wreck.
i want to burst free. no rules and no obligations. no plan. no promises. just me.
p.s.
Orpheus the Cat is snoring. and if he weren't quite so mean or snotty, i'd snuggle-up next to him.