The way things are
Once again I thought I had rid myself of this thing, and yet again I have come back to it, needing an outlet that I can trust. I love my blogs, but the list of people that have access may prove problematic.
Anyhow, this last weekend I went on a trip. I went north with a friend. I knew it might not be the smartest idea in the world given certain aspects of our relationship (not like that!), but I decided 'what the hell'. Well, at times I was right - "hasta las narizes" as Aroha would say. But other times it was cool. But there was always something else there, my brain just wouldn't let me be. The guy I was travleing with is an adventurer, he's one of those with all the fun stories, etc - and everytime I'm there wishing I could say the same.
But there in, as the bard would say, is the rub - my perpetual problem. I am always wishin, and rarely doing. I am forever cautious, forever trained to be the good child, and quite honestly the everyday inhibitions of my brain have become a cage and I am sick and tired of them. I am constatly quoting PWT and saying "What IF" - and as the character Anna Foster (thank you saen for the intro) put it "I'm sick and tired of living my life in theory".
Why am I so completely incapable of saying what I want, of making a move, of going outside the lines?
Then there's the issue of my suppossed "independence" - which thanks to modern technology is shrinking everyday. I'm sorry but I don't need to hear from home every damn DAY! Especially when there's not a lot to say, and when I'm traveling. It's bull shit! If you want me to be independent then let me go!!!!!!!! But it seems like every time I get used to it, just as I'm finding my place, I get sent back to start. Just when I thought I was going forward, moving on, doing what I wanted, I look around and I'm back on Gray Street.
And of course, lurking in the back of my mind, is the ever present truth that if I could overthrow even half of my over-cautious mentality life would be a lot easier and funner. Or at the very least less boring!
I want to follow my instincts and impulses, I want to follow my curiosity - after all, I'm not a freakin' cat. I am supposed to like my life, not envy those around me. Life is about action, not watching others act. I feel trapped in a box of my own limitations (phys amd mental) where all I can do is watch it all go by. IT BLOWS!
Anyhow, this last weekend I went on a trip. I went north with a friend. I knew it might not be the smartest idea in the world given certain aspects of our relationship (not like that!), but I decided 'what the hell'. Well, at times I was right - "hasta las narizes" as Aroha would say. But other times it was cool. But there was always something else there, my brain just wouldn't let me be. The guy I was travleing with is an adventurer, he's one of those with all the fun stories, etc - and everytime I'm there wishing I could say the same.
But there in, as the bard would say, is the rub - my perpetual problem. I am always wishin, and rarely doing. I am forever cautious, forever trained to be the good child, and quite honestly the everyday inhibitions of my brain have become a cage and I am sick and tired of them. I am constatly quoting PWT and saying "What IF" - and as the character Anna Foster (thank you saen for the intro) put it "I'm sick and tired of living my life in theory".
Why am I so completely incapable of saying what I want, of making a move, of going outside the lines?
Then there's the issue of my suppossed "independence" - which thanks to modern technology is shrinking everyday. I'm sorry but I don't need to hear from home every damn DAY! Especially when there's not a lot to say, and when I'm traveling. It's bull shit! If you want me to be independent then let me go!!!!!!!! But it seems like every time I get used to it, just as I'm finding my place, I get sent back to start. Just when I thought I was going forward, moving on, doing what I wanted, I look around and I'm back on Gray Street.
And of course, lurking in the back of my mind, is the ever present truth that if I could overthrow even half of my over-cautious mentality life would be a lot easier and funner. Or at the very least less boring!
I want to follow my instincts and impulses, I want to follow my curiosity - after all, I'm not a freakin' cat. I am supposed to like my life, not envy those around me. Life is about action, not watching others act. I feel trapped in a box of my own limitations (phys amd mental) where all I can do is watch it all go by. IT BLOWS!