(no subject)
God, I feel like complete and utter crap.
I got sick over the weekend, and now I feel even worse. Both physically and emotionally.
Physically, I'm sore, have a snotty nose, my throat burns, my head hurts, and I have this pathetic weezing cough. Not to mention I switch between pale as a sheet to red as a tomato within a minute.
But that, I can deal with.
Emotionally, I don't think I can just make go away with a vicodin and a Popsicle.
Today, I was happy at first; optimistic. But as I got to theatre, I felt like crying. My body hurt, I was cold, and Mark was there, so I couldn't even really cry or anything without feeling like a complete loser. Then, I sucked at the improv bit, dragged my team down, and felt like a failure for generally the rest of the class.
Cue English.
My body feels even worse, and even if this sorta-cute guy was talking to me as opposed to the two bimbos we sit with, I could barely hear him, because my ears keep on switching from hyper-sensitive to muffled. Which made me want to cry again, because one of the few times a guy pays attention to me, and I can only nod along and forget what he says after the next wave of headaches.
Lunch was okay, I guess. Having Laur near me helped a bit, and eating helped a little, too. But the entire time I was freaking out again because I had seen Mark walking around. Lame to worry about, I know, but I desperately don't want to end up turning into a crying, wibbling mess if he's going to be seeing me.
Bio and History went by, no problem 'cept for pain. But that was to be expected.
Then, after school.
Laur went off to her bus, like normal, and I started walkin' down to the pick-up point, equally as normal.
But then my mom calls to tell me that she's going to be a bit late, she's picking me up chicken noodle soup and medicine. Which is cool, I tell her, I'll be able to wait.
Well, I stand against the wall of the school (the only place with shade), and sorta just stare at the sky, my eyes watering up because it hurts to look at anything so bright.
Then Mark walks by (as I knew he would) with his friend CJ and his little sister. He says, "That's Amanda," and I wave, forcing what I imagine was a pathetic smile onto my face. He waves back, and keeps walking, talking with them.
...that's about the time I started crying.
I knew that I'd never be able to date him, or anything. I'm too pathetic, too needy, and then when I'm not, I push everything away with a grimace that I don't even mean.
I can't tell funny jokes- they may be funny to my friends, but to people who don't know me, they think I'm dumb.
And I can't muster up the nerve to say anything to anyone about my feelings about them. I'm glad that I told Mark that I liked him (albeit, it was using the most cowardly method ever, once again reinforcing my opinion that I lack the necessary backbone to date anyone), but I'm starting to wish that I hadn't, so I'd at least get a hug from him without me thinking 'is this a real hug, or is he just doing it to be nice to the little sophomore that has a crush on him?'
...I don't know, this is a huge wall of text, and I'm starting to feel like crying again.
I thought this would help, and maybe it will, in the long run, but for now, I think I'll end this here.
I got sick over the weekend, and now I feel even worse. Both physically and emotionally.
Physically, I'm sore, have a snotty nose, my throat burns, my head hurts, and I have this pathetic weezing cough. Not to mention I switch between pale as a sheet to red as a tomato within a minute.
But that, I can deal with.
Emotionally, I don't think I can just make go away with a vicodin and a Popsicle.
Today, I was happy at first; optimistic. But as I got to theatre, I felt like crying. My body hurt, I was cold, and Mark was there, so I couldn't even really cry or anything without feeling like a complete loser. Then, I sucked at the improv bit, dragged my team down, and felt like a failure for generally the rest of the class.
Cue English.
My body feels even worse, and even if this sorta-cute guy was talking to me as opposed to the two bimbos we sit with, I could barely hear him, because my ears keep on switching from hyper-sensitive to muffled. Which made me want to cry again, because one of the few times a guy pays attention to me, and I can only nod along and forget what he says after the next wave of headaches.
Lunch was okay, I guess. Having Laur near me helped a bit, and eating helped a little, too. But the entire time I was freaking out again because I had seen Mark walking around. Lame to worry about, I know, but I desperately don't want to end up turning into a crying, wibbling mess if he's going to be seeing me.
Bio and History went by, no problem 'cept for pain. But that was to be expected.
Then, after school.
Laur went off to her bus, like normal, and I started walkin' down to the pick-up point, equally as normal.
But then my mom calls to tell me that she's going to be a bit late, she's picking me up chicken noodle soup and medicine. Which is cool, I tell her, I'll be able to wait.
Well, I stand against the wall of the school (the only place with shade), and sorta just stare at the sky, my eyes watering up because it hurts to look at anything so bright.
Then Mark walks by (as I knew he would) with his friend CJ and his little sister. He says, "That's Amanda," and I wave, forcing what I imagine was a pathetic smile onto my face. He waves back, and keeps walking, talking with them.
...that's about the time I started crying.
I knew that I'd never be able to date him, or anything. I'm too pathetic, too needy, and then when I'm not, I push everything away with a grimace that I don't even mean.
I can't tell funny jokes- they may be funny to my friends, but to people who don't know me, they think I'm dumb.
And I can't muster up the nerve to say anything to anyone about my feelings about them. I'm glad that I told Mark that I liked him (albeit, it was using the most cowardly method ever, once again reinforcing my opinion that I lack the necessary backbone to date anyone), but I'm starting to wish that I hadn't, so I'd at least get a hug from him without me thinking 'is this a real hug, or is he just doing it to be nice to the little sophomore that has a crush on him?'
...I don't know, this is a huge wall of text, and I'm starting to feel like crying again.
I thought this would help, and maybe it will, in the long run, but for now, I think I'll end this here.