Things everyone should know
lyzrd is pretty smart.
1) THIS AIN'T "PRETTY WOMAN."
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the
erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get
your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the
ultimate form of foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it,
some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a
difference
between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles
on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING.
You often
forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly
across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to
side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most
men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand
on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why
do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to
deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand
up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is
good. Pretending they're a dogie toy isn't.
6) TWIDDLING HER
NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger
and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on
the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER
PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs:
Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her
body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown
Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
8) GETTING THE HAND
TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in
tangled
fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just
ask her to take the damn things off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE
PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store
it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so
gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
11) STOPPING FOR A
BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop,
they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep
going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12) UNDRESSING HER
AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at
the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant
present, not a kid's toy.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING
FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling
the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is
not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find
the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all
at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen
banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it
can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her
clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger
inside her and see if she likes it.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're
attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands
and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
16) UNDRESSING
PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made
some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of
buttons.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and
underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks fist.
18) GOING TOO
FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can
do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an
assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with
clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your
great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two
weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
20) COMING TOO
SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites
of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure
too.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for
an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely
the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she
has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
22)
ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make
noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.
23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX
TOO GENTLY.
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole
mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on
her clitoris.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this
until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it
will lead very swiftly to
mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged
to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try
talking seductively to her.
25) NOT SHAVING PT.2
Men seem to like
women to be shaved down below. That's fine. But women like that too. That
doesn't mean you have to shave it bare (although, that would be nice), but at
least keep it neat and trimmed. There's nothing that turns a girl off more than
looking at a penis sticking out of a forest.
26) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE
YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody
likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do
what's necessary.
27) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust.
She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie
there. And don't grab
her head.
28) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated
movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it
just means more laundry to do.
29) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR
AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does
all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so
much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
30)
ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a
reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there,
ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.
31) TAKING
PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words
"__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
32) NOT
BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on
her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and
feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no
no.
33) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic
noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
34) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID
POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a
Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual
partner with snapped hamstrings.
35) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read
this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a
prostate. Women don't.
36) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to
exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No
woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on
end.
37) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach
with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
38) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes
you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty
talk, she'll let you know.
39) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have
to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do
the same for you.
40) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than
women, so if you lie on her a bit too
heavily, she will turn blue.
41)
THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is
not a soup kitchen.
1) THIS AIN'T "PRETTY WOMAN."
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the
erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get
your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the
ultimate form of foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it,
some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a
difference
between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles
on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING.
You often
forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly
across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to
side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most
men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand
on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why
do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to
deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand
up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is
good. Pretending they're a dogie toy isn't.
6) TWIDDLING HER
NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger
and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on
the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER
PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs:
Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her
body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown
Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
8) GETTING THE HAND
TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in
tangled
fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just
ask her to take the damn things off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE
PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store
it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so
gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
11) STOPPING FOR A
BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop,
they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep
going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12) UNDRESSING HER
AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at
the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant
present, not a kid's toy.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING
FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling
the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is
not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find
the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all
at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen
banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it
can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her
clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger
inside her and see if she likes it.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're
attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands
and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
16) UNDRESSING
PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made
some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of
buttons.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and
underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks fist.
18) GOING TOO
FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can
do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an
assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with
clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your
great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two
weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.
20) COMING TOO
SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites
of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure
too.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for
an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely
the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she
has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
22)
ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make
noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.
23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX
TOO GENTLY.
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole
mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on
her clitoris.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this
until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it
will lead very swiftly to
mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged
to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try
talking seductively to her.
25) NOT SHAVING PT.2
Men seem to like
women to be shaved down below. That's fine. But women like that too. That
doesn't mean you have to shave it bare (although, that would be nice), but at
least keep it neat and trimmed. There's nothing that turns a girl off more than
looking at a penis sticking out of a forest.
26) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE
YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody
likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do
what's necessary.
27) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust.
She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie
there. And don't grab
her head.
28) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated
movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it
just means more laundry to do.
29) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR
AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does
all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so
much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
30)
ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a
reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there,
ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.
31) TAKING
PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words
"__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
32) NOT
BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on
her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and
feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no
no.
33) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic
noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
34) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID
POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a
Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual
partner with snapped hamstrings.
35) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read
this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a
prostate. Women don't.
36) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to
exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No
woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on
end.
37) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach
with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
38) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes
you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty
talk, she'll let you know.
39) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have
to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do
the same for you.
40) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than
women, so if you lie on her a bit too
heavily, she will turn blue.
41)
THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is
not a soup kitchen.