Feb 03, 2007 03:38
I hope.
Well I've had an eventful; but mostly unpleasant day.
It started off going to see my GP about the major psychotic episode I seemed to be having - she decided I need to see the psychiatric team; so I did.
The SHO and my CPN talked to me at length, and the SHO felt the psychosis wasn't a psychosis but a manifestation of anxiety; especially as most of my erratic and unexplainable states recently started when I came off the propranolol. She also had a look at my rashes, and doesn't think they are either lamotrigine toxicity rash or folliculitis (which is what the GPs have been treating me for) and says I should see a specialist dermatologist about it and that I should have had blood tests and swabs taken long since.
She thought it might be a good idea to decrease the lamotrigine dose in case it is lamotrigine toxicity; but went to check with the consultant who said I should either increase the lamotrigine, or the olanzapine - my choice. I went for the olanzapine; so I'm now on 125% of the maximum the BNF recommends.
I came home, and for an hour or two I was about the same; then my mood started wobbling on a huge scale; again not seen for years. Mainly being depressed, which I can cope with, just incredibly intense. Then started the irrational non-psychotic thoughts; aggressive and homicidal thoughts; this is usually a sign of a typical massive episode starting, so I apologise now if i disappear or distress you in other ways.
The main thing has been avoidance (of life) type thoughts; including having some very well thought out plans on how to 'disappear' - this is a type of thought I have very little precedant of ignoring, or countering. Admittedly the furthest I ever got before being spotted was Cambridge, i guess about 200 miles; but I'm rather more seasoned at disappearing than I was 6 years ago.
I'm just not sure where to go from here; most of the time I'm fully aware, as rational as I ever am and therefore, not really a valid case for being in hospital; but then I instantly become completely irrational and a danger to myself and others. The additionally strange thing is that my rational state is fully aware of the thoughts I have in the irrational states - normally my states are completely independant, even to the point of not knowing the other states occurred until pointed out to me - this should at least help me explain what's going on to my CPN on Monday.