Some Emotions Feel Like Others (Chapter 5)
Title: Some Emotions Feel Like Others (Chapter 5)
Author: Pandasobi
Pairing: HoMin
Genre: School Verse, angst
Rating: R, NC-17 in later parts
Length: Chaptered
Warnings: Language, BDSM, Master/Servant play, whipping/spanking, EMOTIONS (All in later chapters)
“I… Are we being completely honest, Changmin? Are we telling each other everything?”
Chapter One: ( Read more... ) Chapter Two: ( Read more... ) Chapter 3:( Read more... ) Chapter 4:( Read more... ) Chapter 5: ( Read more... ) Chapter 6: ( Read more... )
Even before he had pulled his bike into the rack at the café, he was already searching for Yunho. He found him seated in a secluded corner, bespectacled and wrapped in a black and gray striped sweater and a large black scarf, a cup of coffee steaming in his hands. His almond eyes, misted over in thought, pretended to study the trickling stream of people outside. Changmin approached the door slowly, the guilt from the week building up to scream at him that he had no right to even speak to the man now, let alone explain to him the inner workings of his mind.
Yunho’s eyes flashed to him as he entered the café. Changmin let out a soft gasp at the sudden feeling of eyes on his body, and crossed quickly to the table. “Hi.” Yunho said with a gentle smile, gesturing to the seat across from him. “You’re early.” Changmin, shrugged, remembering how he had been too anxious to sleep past 6:00. “So are you.” He responded with a weak smile as he sat down.
Yunho chuckled. “Yeah. I couldn’t sleep.” Changmin blinked. “Neither could I.” Yunho nodded sagely and sipped his coffee. “So, have you thought enough now?” Changmin couldn’t help his bitter snort.
“Think is all I’ve done and I still don’t understand. I… I don’t hate you, Yunho.” He admitted, his face flaming. “I don’t hate you at all. I’ve just got some things to admit to myself.” Yunho rested his head on his hand. “Like?” Fidgeting, Changmin opened and closed his mouth a few times before asking, “When you said you have to hide how you truly feel… what did you mean?”
Yunho seemed to pale a little bit. “I… Are we being completely honest, Changmin? Are we telling each other everything?” The very concept terrified Changmin, but he nodded. “I think that would be best.” Yunho sighed and tugged at his scarf absent-mindedly. “Walk with me?”
The air outside nipped around them. Yunho stayed silent as they started down the street, his long fingers still entangled in his scarf. Changmin thought that, maybe, he liked his hands a little. There was something graceful about them that suggested his personality. “I’m gay.” Yunho stuttered, jerking Changmin out of his reverie. He seemed to shrink into himself when Changmin stopped short, halfway turning to face him.
“…Really?” Yunho nodded, trying to pull his scarf up over his mouth and blinking hard at the pavement. “I’m bi.” Changmin responded quietly. “You’re the first person I’ve ever told that.” He chuckled. “I’m not sure I even told me that. That’s why I redirected the conversation back there. I wasn’t quite ready to say it out loud, I guess. And I think… I think I like guys more. But girls are pretty nice too.”
Yunho’s scarf fell back to his neck. “…Really?” He echoed. Changmin, already flushed, could feel the tips of his ears burning. “Yeah, really.” Yunho shuffled a little closer. “I’ve only told Jaejoong, and he’s gay too.” He threw a hand over his mouth. “I wasn’t supposed to tell anybody.” The way his eyes crinkled up in amusement pulled a smile out of Changmin. “And you don’t hate me?” Yunho asked, hesitance still lurking in his tone.
Changmin nodded. “I don’t hate you. I... um…” He ran slender hand down his face. “Walk with me?” He smiled crookedly. Yunho grinned and turned with him. “You said, the second day you ate lunch with me in the library, that you’d wanted to get to know me as soon as I introduced myself.” He crossed his arms over his stomach. “That first moment was also when I resolved to avoid you at all cost.”
Yunho started, looking over at him, but Changmin couldn’t find the courage to return his gaze, choosing instead to study the cracks on the sidewalk. His voice became quiet. “You were perfect. You were gorgeous. No one had ever quite appealed to me like you did. You exuded leadership, and I could see everyone looking to you for your approval, and I was absolutely certain that you hated me. You looked so cold and poised, and like you detested having to even look at me. I think, and I’ve thought more about this than any other moment, that for a instant before I noticed how cold you looked, all I wanted was for you to like me, and to know me better than anyone else.”
He shrunk back from how choked his voice sounded, but continued. “It was a visceral reaction. An intensely deep need to be with you, and then what seemed to be immediate rejection. I managed, without ever speaking a word to you, to convince myself that you had wronged me and I should hate you for it. God, Yunho…” He spoke through his tears, the past year of confusion and negativity unleashing its regret in full force.
“I gave myself every reason to hate you. Everything I loved about you I turned into an annoyance because I couldn’t figure out, and didn’t want to figure out, what I really felt.” He was trembling. “I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything more than to stop telling myself I hate you and just let myself feel properly.”
A warm hand pulled him to a stop. “Changmin…” Changmin shook his head viciously. “No, no, please let me finish. I need to finish or I’m never going to explain everything.” Yunho nodded his consent, but let his hand drift to Changmin’s lower back, bringing them closer together. “I thought I couldn’t have what I wanted so desperately from you, Yunho. I wanted your smiles to be directed at me, and I wanted the sense of safety you give everyone around you. I wanted to be the one you turned to when you needed help, and, God help me, I wanted you to trust me.” Changmin laughed bitterly at the sky, wiping a tear away from his nose.
“I wanted to know you better than anyone. And instead I freaked out and did what I always do, because I’m a cold-hearted bastard, Yunho. I really am. And I’m so fucking sorry. I’m sorry for saying everything cruel I ever said to you, and for treating you like you were no one.” And then the poison creeping through his soul turned to warm, gentle liquid as he was hugged.
Yunho’s steady, strong arms wound their way around his shoulders and pulled him close, prompting Changmin’s head to rest on Yunho’s shoulder. Changmin shuddered as he sobbed, clinging to his anchor and burying his face in the crook of Yunho’s neck.
“Do you know why I looked like that, Changmin? That first day?” Yunho whispered into his ear. Changmin shook his head. “I had never seen anyone more attractive than you. And I’m best friends with Kim Fucking Jaejoong. He’s angelically good looking.” He nosed at Changmin’s neck when he tensed. “But you… I hadn’t fully accepted that I was gay yet. I still felt that it was wrong, and that I couldn’t really like guys. Seeing you… I had to accept it. You were everything I had ever wanted, and I didn’t understand. I looked angry because I was, but not at you. I didn’t want to be gay. I didn’t want to want you so badly. I didn’t want the flash I felt, the driving urge to get to know you and be everything to you.”
He chuckled, the deep vibrations rumbling into Changmin’s chest as Yunho’s long hands stroked slowly up and down his back. “It didn’t help anything that I’m absolutely pathetic when it comes to people I like. I seize up and run away. It took Jaejoong until last week to convince me to talk to you, because I was so scared.” Changmin tugged himself up enough to look Yunho in the face, his eyes red and still watery.
“You like me?” Yunho grinned. “That’s what you got out of what I just said? That’s all?” He shook his head playfully. “Wasn’t it obvious, though? I was pretty sure I was painfully obvious.”
Changmin felt himself blush again. “I’m not a people person. I’m horrible at reading body language and all that… so, no, I didn’t notice.” He looked down, picking a stray hair off of Yunho’s shirt and letting it float to the ground. “You really still like me? Even after how horrible I was?”
Yunho nodded, his fingers twisting knots into the back of Changmin’s shirt. “You thought you had a good reason. You’re still… nothing’s changed. I like you.” Changmin shyly lifted a hand to touch Yunho’s cheek. “You’re crazy, you know that? I’m sadistic, I’m snarky, I’m selfish, and I’m horrible with people.”
“Everything I’m not, then? I think too much about other people. Sometimes I forget that I need things too.” Changmin nodded, but paused. “So if you’re not sadistic…” He grinned like a Cheshire cat when Yunho hesitated and flushed heavily.
“You could say I’m the opposite, I guess.” He finally answered when Changmin prompted him with a poke to the back. He was rewarded with a little hitch in Changmin’s breath and a tongue poking out to swipe at his lower lip.
Almond eyes bashfully met intense, deep ones. “I think this is going to work out wonderfully, once we get there.” Changmin murmured. “Yes sir.” Yunho breathed back.
Changmin thought he could feel his heart stop.
Chapter 6: ( Read more... )
A/N:
Yunho's outfit:
Author: Pandasobi
Pairing: HoMin
Genre: School Verse, angst
Rating: R, NC-17 in later parts
Length: Chaptered
Warnings: Language, BDSM, Master/Servant play, whipping/spanking, EMOTIONS (All in later chapters)
“I… Are we being completely honest, Changmin? Are we telling each other everything?”
Chapter One: ( Read more... ) Chapter Two: ( Read more... ) Chapter 3:( Read more... ) Chapter 4:( Read more... ) Chapter 5: ( Read more... ) Chapter 6: ( Read more... )
Even before he had pulled his bike into the rack at the café, he was already searching for Yunho. He found him seated in a secluded corner, bespectacled and wrapped in a black and gray striped sweater and a large black scarf, a cup of coffee steaming in his hands. His almond eyes, misted over in thought, pretended to study the trickling stream of people outside. Changmin approached the door slowly, the guilt from the week building up to scream at him that he had no right to even speak to the man now, let alone explain to him the inner workings of his mind.
Yunho’s eyes flashed to him as he entered the café. Changmin let out a soft gasp at the sudden feeling of eyes on his body, and crossed quickly to the table. “Hi.” Yunho said with a gentle smile, gesturing to the seat across from him. “You’re early.” Changmin, shrugged, remembering how he had been too anxious to sleep past 6:00. “So are you.” He responded with a weak smile as he sat down.
Yunho chuckled. “Yeah. I couldn’t sleep.” Changmin blinked. “Neither could I.” Yunho nodded sagely and sipped his coffee. “So, have you thought enough now?” Changmin couldn’t help his bitter snort.
“Think is all I’ve done and I still don’t understand. I… I don’t hate you, Yunho.” He admitted, his face flaming. “I don’t hate you at all. I’ve just got some things to admit to myself.” Yunho rested his head on his hand. “Like?” Fidgeting, Changmin opened and closed his mouth a few times before asking, “When you said you have to hide how you truly feel… what did you mean?”
Yunho seemed to pale a little bit. “I… Are we being completely honest, Changmin? Are we telling each other everything?” The very concept terrified Changmin, but he nodded. “I think that would be best.” Yunho sighed and tugged at his scarf absent-mindedly. “Walk with me?”
The air outside nipped around them. Yunho stayed silent as they started down the street, his long fingers still entangled in his scarf. Changmin thought that, maybe, he liked his hands a little. There was something graceful about them that suggested his personality. “I’m gay.” Yunho stuttered, jerking Changmin out of his reverie. He seemed to shrink into himself when Changmin stopped short, halfway turning to face him.
“…Really?” Yunho nodded, trying to pull his scarf up over his mouth and blinking hard at the pavement. “I’m bi.” Changmin responded quietly. “You’re the first person I’ve ever told that.” He chuckled. “I’m not sure I even told me that. That’s why I redirected the conversation back there. I wasn’t quite ready to say it out loud, I guess. And I think… I think I like guys more. But girls are pretty nice too.”
Yunho’s scarf fell back to his neck. “…Really?” He echoed. Changmin, already flushed, could feel the tips of his ears burning. “Yeah, really.” Yunho shuffled a little closer. “I’ve only told Jaejoong, and he’s gay too.” He threw a hand over his mouth. “I wasn’t supposed to tell anybody.” The way his eyes crinkled up in amusement pulled a smile out of Changmin. “And you don’t hate me?” Yunho asked, hesitance still lurking in his tone.
Changmin nodded. “I don’t hate you. I... um…” He ran slender hand down his face. “Walk with me?” He smiled crookedly. Yunho grinned and turned with him. “You said, the second day you ate lunch with me in the library, that you’d wanted to get to know me as soon as I introduced myself.” He crossed his arms over his stomach. “That first moment was also when I resolved to avoid you at all cost.”
Yunho started, looking over at him, but Changmin couldn’t find the courage to return his gaze, choosing instead to study the cracks on the sidewalk. His voice became quiet. “You were perfect. You were gorgeous. No one had ever quite appealed to me like you did. You exuded leadership, and I could see everyone looking to you for your approval, and I was absolutely certain that you hated me. You looked so cold and poised, and like you detested having to even look at me. I think, and I’ve thought more about this than any other moment, that for a instant before I noticed how cold you looked, all I wanted was for you to like me, and to know me better than anyone else.”
He shrunk back from how choked his voice sounded, but continued. “It was a visceral reaction. An intensely deep need to be with you, and then what seemed to be immediate rejection. I managed, without ever speaking a word to you, to convince myself that you had wronged me and I should hate you for it. God, Yunho…” He spoke through his tears, the past year of confusion and negativity unleashing its regret in full force.
“I gave myself every reason to hate you. Everything I loved about you I turned into an annoyance because I couldn’t figure out, and didn’t want to figure out, what I really felt.” He was trembling. “I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything more than to stop telling myself I hate you and just let myself feel properly.”
A warm hand pulled him to a stop. “Changmin…” Changmin shook his head viciously. “No, no, please let me finish. I need to finish or I’m never going to explain everything.” Yunho nodded his consent, but let his hand drift to Changmin’s lower back, bringing them closer together. “I thought I couldn’t have what I wanted so desperately from you, Yunho. I wanted your smiles to be directed at me, and I wanted the sense of safety you give everyone around you. I wanted to be the one you turned to when you needed help, and, God help me, I wanted you to trust me.” Changmin laughed bitterly at the sky, wiping a tear away from his nose.
“I wanted to know you better than anyone. And instead I freaked out and did what I always do, because I’m a cold-hearted bastard, Yunho. I really am. And I’m so fucking sorry. I’m sorry for saying everything cruel I ever said to you, and for treating you like you were no one.” And then the poison creeping through his soul turned to warm, gentle liquid as he was hugged.
Yunho’s steady, strong arms wound their way around his shoulders and pulled him close, prompting Changmin’s head to rest on Yunho’s shoulder. Changmin shuddered as he sobbed, clinging to his anchor and burying his face in the crook of Yunho’s neck.
“Do you know why I looked like that, Changmin? That first day?” Yunho whispered into his ear. Changmin shook his head. “I had never seen anyone more attractive than you. And I’m best friends with Kim Fucking Jaejoong. He’s angelically good looking.” He nosed at Changmin’s neck when he tensed. “But you… I hadn’t fully accepted that I was gay yet. I still felt that it was wrong, and that I couldn’t really like guys. Seeing you… I had to accept it. You were everything I had ever wanted, and I didn’t understand. I looked angry because I was, but not at you. I didn’t want to be gay. I didn’t want to want you so badly. I didn’t want the flash I felt, the driving urge to get to know you and be everything to you.”
He chuckled, the deep vibrations rumbling into Changmin’s chest as Yunho’s long hands stroked slowly up and down his back. “It didn’t help anything that I’m absolutely pathetic when it comes to people I like. I seize up and run away. It took Jaejoong until last week to convince me to talk to you, because I was so scared.” Changmin tugged himself up enough to look Yunho in the face, his eyes red and still watery.
“You like me?” Yunho grinned. “That’s what you got out of what I just said? That’s all?” He shook his head playfully. “Wasn’t it obvious, though? I was pretty sure I was painfully obvious.”
Changmin felt himself blush again. “I’m not a people person. I’m horrible at reading body language and all that… so, no, I didn’t notice.” He looked down, picking a stray hair off of Yunho’s shirt and letting it float to the ground. “You really still like me? Even after how horrible I was?”
Yunho nodded, his fingers twisting knots into the back of Changmin’s shirt. “You thought you had a good reason. You’re still… nothing’s changed. I like you.” Changmin shyly lifted a hand to touch Yunho’s cheek. “You’re crazy, you know that? I’m sadistic, I’m snarky, I’m selfish, and I’m horrible with people.”
“Everything I’m not, then? I think too much about other people. Sometimes I forget that I need things too.” Changmin nodded, but paused. “So if you’re not sadistic…” He grinned like a Cheshire cat when Yunho hesitated and flushed heavily.
“You could say I’m the opposite, I guess.” He finally answered when Changmin prompted him with a poke to the back. He was rewarded with a little hitch in Changmin’s breath and a tongue poking out to swipe at his lower lip.
Almond eyes bashfully met intense, deep ones. “I think this is going to work out wonderfully, once we get there.” Changmin murmured. “Yes sir.” Yunho breathed back.
Changmin thought he could feel his heart stop.
Chapter 6: ( Read more... )
A/N:
Yunho's outfit: