(no subject)
I wish I had Brandston (the band) on this computer for times like this. Sitting in a house all alone again. There is nothing like hearing an amazingly awsome emo band to break your spirits over and over again when your sitting alone in the dark drinking whiskey again.
I feel like im being cold to cloak my weaknesses. Will I grow into a selfish bastard? Doubtful, I do have a wonderful daughter who tells me she loves me all the time... But what about cold torwards women?
Thinking about it, the only 2 serious relationships that I had that lasted over 6 months ... both of them left me for another man. Is it me? Do I give too much? Do I care so little? I want to know this things to help me improve. But in all honesty, I end up feeling bitter either way it goes, though I dont know the answers myself.
I feel both of those relationships have made the largest impact of my life. But aren't most relationships? I mean, how your mother treats you when your young changes your outlook completly, so why is it so strange to see that a women you care about does the same?
Whats going to stop me from thinking the next women will leave me? Will I be an asshole knowing they are going to leave me anyway? Or do I give my all just for them to leave me again? Do I want an honest women who will tell me? Or do I just play the waiting game and hope their is an amazing women out there looking for me?
I wake up every morning and I have just one thing on my mind ... Sophie. I make all my daily decisions on whats best for her. I only live for whats best for her. I have my whole week planned out around her schedule ... where that would scare most people, it gives me comfort. I know there is foundation in my life and that keeps me happy.
I do have one concern with that though... choising my next ... significant other? What will she think of my daughter? What about my past life? What about her future? Will she care enough about me and my daughter that she will want to live with me? ... to love me? A child is a concrete life decision ... you cant up and move to Greece, or Poland becuase you have always wanted to live there. What about the childs needs? What about income? Will you make enough money to keep the child feed and changed? The thought scares me. I need the comfort of a solid house and a solid income to make sure the baby is ok. I feel that will hamper any serious relationship I get into .... Oh, what if she wants to give birth to another child? Will I be okay with that? What if she doesn't even want a child?
Ugh, this complicates so many things. . . but what do I care? I have a wonderful daughter who cares about me.
I know she loves me, but I also want someone to love. There is a security there that helps you sleep at night ... knowing there is someone who cares about you as much as you do them.
And I guess that leads me to my final point .... I have lost my comfort
I feel like im being cold to cloak my weaknesses. Will I grow into a selfish bastard? Doubtful, I do have a wonderful daughter who tells me she loves me all the time... But what about cold torwards women?
Thinking about it, the only 2 serious relationships that I had that lasted over 6 months ... both of them left me for another man. Is it me? Do I give too much? Do I care so little? I want to know this things to help me improve. But in all honesty, I end up feeling bitter either way it goes, though I dont know the answers myself.
I feel both of those relationships have made the largest impact of my life. But aren't most relationships? I mean, how your mother treats you when your young changes your outlook completly, so why is it so strange to see that a women you care about does the same?
Whats going to stop me from thinking the next women will leave me? Will I be an asshole knowing they are going to leave me anyway? Or do I give my all just for them to leave me again? Do I want an honest women who will tell me? Or do I just play the waiting game and hope their is an amazing women out there looking for me?
I wake up every morning and I have just one thing on my mind ... Sophie. I make all my daily decisions on whats best for her. I only live for whats best for her. I have my whole week planned out around her schedule ... where that would scare most people, it gives me comfort. I know there is foundation in my life and that keeps me happy.
I do have one concern with that though... choising my next ... significant other? What will she think of my daughter? What about my past life? What about her future? Will she care enough about me and my daughter that she will want to live with me? ... to love me? A child is a concrete life decision ... you cant up and move to Greece, or Poland becuase you have always wanted to live there. What about the childs needs? What about income? Will you make enough money to keep the child feed and changed? The thought scares me. I need the comfort of a solid house and a solid income to make sure the baby is ok. I feel that will hamper any serious relationship I get into .... Oh, what if she wants to give birth to another child? Will I be okay with that? What if she doesn't even want a child?
Ugh, this complicates so many things. . . but what do I care? I have a wonderful daughter who cares about me.
I know she loves me, but I also want someone to love. There is a security there that helps you sleep at night ... knowing there is someone who cares about you as much as you do them.
And I guess that leads me to my final point .... I have lost my comfort