What I wanted to send her
I had been thinking about this since we got the package and I feel like an asshole, prick, selfish, jealous, bitch for even thinking the words below. I typed it out to her and realized that I can't break someone's hopes, dreams, and heart like this....even if I am respectful. I never sent it.....don't think I would.....but I'm going to be late to class now because I have too many things going on in my head and I feel sicker than ever right now....
Gibs- I know you love babydoll....I know your heart is in the right place....but I wish you understood how I felt. You are a good person, someone we consider family... and yet I know you want nothing more than for babydoll to show up on your doorstep and sweep you off your feet. No one wants to see me with her it seems...like me loving her for six years is not good enough for anyone anymore....I don't even get mail to my own apartment...my own dorm...it's all for her...It's all love notes and letters from you and sweet things. I won't even open the deck of cards no matter how curious I am. I tried the other evening and put them down wen babydoll realized that all that would happen is me being upset over someone I have respect for. No mater what our "status" is, babydoll and I still have love for one another, we sleep in the same bed each night, and save her from herself on a number of occasions. All of those who admire my love follow my facebook and look into everything I have because they don't understand me or why she would love me or stay with me....no one takes the timeto ask me how I feel or where I stand.... She told me once that you were going to be at our wedding and we were all going to be happy as the friends and family we should be. I don't want to ruin the respect or friendship I thought we had with one another by sending this but damnit I can't do very much else in my situation. I bust my ass to take care of babydoll so she doesn't have to work and then I come home to a black beauty that the entire internet has fallen in love with. She loves you, and if I weren't around, maybe it would have been you, who knows. Right now though, we are living our life together, so I thought you would just be happy for us...I know you ask about me, maybe out of respect, or curiousity, I am unsure. All I know is, I have a facebook and feelings instilled in all of this too even if I don't read the things that are said, every once in a while I pick up on minor details that remind me that babydoll is polyamorous and has others in her life. One day I hope it is just me....but right now, she is doing her thing and I can't do anything but sit here and type out this message and wonder if youre really going to keep this between us or if I am going to get yelled at for having feelings. fuck I don't even know if I'm going to send this. I'm chickening out....
I really need to stop having so many feelings....I need to get my bike put together so I can go out and sort my thoughts out rather than staring at you loving others within these four walls that I call our home. I love you too much to ever send anything like this, but sometimes it makes me feel good to write things, then burn them or not send them, I know you love her, appreciate her, and I know she cares,,,,I'm just frustrated that I can't do as much in the "cutesy" department because every I want to it feels like too much.... I am just a mix or crazy and heartsick lately...maybe I should just keeo my heart out of the game while you sort out what you want from me. I want to give you the world....I just don't know how yet, but I will. One day, in my own way. "I was born to tell you I love you"......"there's no one in the world like Emily (Allison)"....... I miss singing to you and you singing to me....
<3Beaw
Gibs- I know you love babydoll....I know your heart is in the right place....but I wish you understood how I felt. You are a good person, someone we consider family... and yet I know you want nothing more than for babydoll to show up on your doorstep and sweep you off your feet. No one wants to see me with her it seems...like me loving her for six years is not good enough for anyone anymore....I don't even get mail to my own apartment...my own dorm...it's all for her...It's all love notes and letters from you and sweet things. I won't even open the deck of cards no matter how curious I am. I tried the other evening and put them down wen babydoll realized that all that would happen is me being upset over someone I have respect for. No mater what our "status" is, babydoll and I still have love for one another, we sleep in the same bed each night, and save her from herself on a number of occasions. All of those who admire my love follow my facebook and look into everything I have because they don't understand me or why she would love me or stay with me....no one takes the timeto ask me how I feel or where I stand.... She told me once that you were going to be at our wedding and we were all going to be happy as the friends and family we should be. I don't want to ruin the respect or friendship I thought we had with one another by sending this but damnit I can't do very much else in my situation. I bust my ass to take care of babydoll so she doesn't have to work and then I come home to a black beauty that the entire internet has fallen in love with. She loves you, and if I weren't around, maybe it would have been you, who knows. Right now though, we are living our life together, so I thought you would just be happy for us...I know you ask about me, maybe out of respect, or curiousity, I am unsure. All I know is, I have a facebook and feelings instilled in all of this too even if I don't read the things that are said, every once in a while I pick up on minor details that remind me that babydoll is polyamorous and has others in her life. One day I hope it is just me....but right now, she is doing her thing and I can't do anything but sit here and type out this message and wonder if youre really going to keep this between us or if I am going to get yelled at for having feelings. fuck I don't even know if I'm going to send this. I'm chickening out....
I really need to stop having so many feelings....I need to get my bike put together so I can go out and sort my thoughts out rather than staring at you loving others within these four walls that I call our home. I love you too much to ever send anything like this, but sometimes it makes me feel good to write things, then burn them or not send them, I know you love her, appreciate her, and I know she cares,,,,I'm just frustrated that I can't do as much in the "cutesy" department because every I want to it feels like too much.... I am just a mix or crazy and heartsick lately...maybe I should just keeo my heart out of the game while you sort out what you want from me. I want to give you the world....I just don't know how yet, but I will. One day, in my own way. "I was born to tell you I love you"......"there's no one in the world like Emily (Allison)"....... I miss singing to you and you singing to me....
<3Beaw