A bunch of stuff has happened =o
As I write this, it's been like, 5 months since I last posted something in here, and even longer since I posted something visible to everyone. I guess a lot of my feelings tend to be pretty personal that I put in here, so almost everything goes in a friends-only entry... and who knows, maybe by the end of this one I'll feel like this one should be too.
Where to start... well, the biggest thing that's happened to me recently (or rather, I took the initiative in making happen) was that I moved to Seattle a little over a week ago. Talk about a total shock to all of my senses.... nothing that I've ever experienced was enough to prepare me for this place. There's just so much of everything going on that it has honestly blown parts of my mind that I'm not sure are ever going to come back to me. >_>
For those not in the know, the main reason why I moved here was because I knew that I needed to leave eastern Oregon and college and all that, but the only place in the world that I know even one person is here in Seattle. And that's exactly how many people I knew moving here -- one. Luckily, the person I know happens to be like, my best friend of all time, so that's a bit of a comfort. The only kinda sucky part of that deal is that he's really, really busy all the time so he can't exactly be like, that person that I hang out with all the time. Too bad since he's so much fun to hang out with.
Anyway, being up here has really been..... well, actually, not a whole lot of fun so far. It's really put into sharp focus how lonely I can get when I don't really know enough people to spend my days with, so I've been hitting the online furry personals and stuff pretty hard looking for people to hang out with and stuff... There's *got* to be people around here who like the same kinds of things that I do and that wouldn't mind hanging around someone for a while. And, y'know, maybe actually be the kind of person who is actually as interested in me as I am in them.
Whiiiiiiich brings me to my main reason why I started thinking about writing in this thing again... Just today I hung out with a bunch of guys who were, I swear, pretty cool to be around. We went and had um..... bubbling tea or something like that, and that was tasty and yum. The guy I had initially talked to and knew the most about actually brought one of his roommates (also a fur) along for the ride and he certainly was a character. I don't believe I know anyone who talks in their falsetto voice as much as this guy did. ^_^
Anyway, we go and have this weird bubbling tea thing, and while we're in that place, he breaks out this board game which I can't remember the name of, which was basically like a practical version of Sim City 2000 or something. ^^ I was surprised because I normally don't like board games very much as I prefer video games as a source of enjoyment like that, but this one turned out to be pretty fun overall. We played for a few hours, packed up our stuff, and headed on back to his place.
It was starting to get kinda dark when we got to his place, but he told me that if I didn't mind sleeping over at someone else's apartment, it would be perfectly alright with him if I did, so I wasn't worried about needing to navigate dark and scary streets in the middle of the night in an unfamiliar neighborhood. Anyway, we get up to his room and it's..... it's honestly pretty hard to describe how I felt at this moment because it just seemed like exactly the kind of place I'd always want to live in....
...which, I'm sure, is hardly how most people I know would describe it because it wasn't like, huge, or excessively clean, or anything like that, but it had..... character. The walls had cool furry artwork all over them and there were like, cool tiger cloths hung about here and there and they were using like, furry art magnets ont he fridge (not all of them exactly PG or anything) and there were framed drawings elsewhere and plushies all over the place and.... it was just great to look at. It looked a lot like the people who live there wanted to be there and they had set things up so that they could be comfortable and also reminded about who they are... because I was certainly reminded about who I was, being in there.
Perhaps I underestimated this part of myself before, and how important it was, but... I believe that the furry side of myself is equally as important and also equally as influential in how I live and see things as things like my sexuality and intelligence are. So seeing all of this just reminded me of how much I love the culture and appreciation of these things and all the little cute things that people in the fandom tend to do and say and.... man. It was really neat...
There were five people living there, and up until today, I've never heard people say things like "my paws" or talking about themselves as being an animal or anything like that in anything resembling a casual tone of voice, but there it was, and all over the place. The people who lived there just seemed so comfortable and at-ease with all that that it just immediately set me at ease with everything... I could talk about someone like Doug Winger or Dark Natasha and they'd immediately know what I was talking about, or I could mention something about Zeta Creations without getting blank stares and just...... yeah. All that..... and one of them showed me their tail that they were making and this was not viewed as something weird. It's just everything that I've always wanted to experience.
So, I'd say things were going rather nicely for an evening that I'd probably otherwise be spending just sitting around in my room doing more work and such... and then we come to that lovely moment where I'm alone in the room of the guy that I know the best, and we're talking, and he's showing me things, and it's just feeling like a nice way of wrapping up the evening. He puts on an anime that I've never seen or even heard of and it's like, 20 episodes in so of course I can't have any idea what's going on, and we're both watching it in silence.
He's in one of those swivel chairs and I'm sitting next to him on a stool. I kinda... lean in a bit, perhaps a bit closer to him in order to kinda say that I wouldn't mind maybe a bit of.... I dunno, something. No, not sex or anything. I'm not interested in screwing someone that I've only known for a day. But I dunno, maybe some err.... I dunno, cuddling or something? Beats me, anyway, I wanted to let him decide. =P
So anyway, he's kinda swinging back and forth in his chair, and he eventually gets to the point where he's bumped into me and he just kinda stops there. So I'm thinking "Okay, I'll take that as a yes" so I kinda nudge him back a bit, letting him know that I think it's cool, and we kinda keep drifting closer as the anime goes on. I also notice out of the corner of my eye, since I'm sitting further back, that he's eyeballing me every now and then, so I'm kinda thinking "Yeah, I'm here, and yes, I enjoy closeness" and well..... that kinda goes on for the entire length of the anime. The show ends, he tells me that he *really* has to get to sleep since he's just not gotten enough recently for various reasons, and I'm totally cool with that, and so I say g'night and head out into the living room and hopefully talk with someone else who's still up for a while and maybe once they go to bed, like, K/O on the couch for the night.
So, I get out there, and the guy who came with me to the bubbling tea place is playing something on their PS2, so I go and sit next to them and watch for a bit, mostly trying to figure out what game it is he's playing. After a minute or two, though, the guy I had come there to see comes out and says, "Hey... I think it'd be good if you found your way back home tomorrow before I get back from work because I've got some people coming over tomorrow night." He then goes off and talks to one of his other roommates about.... well, I don't know, because I was so.... affected by what he said just then that I was just stunned.
I don't even have any idea if I have any right or reason to feel as hurt as I did, but..... it was like he was telling me, "Hey, I didn't mind hanging out with you today since I called in sick to work (which he did) and had a lot of hours to kill, but now that my *real* friends are coming over, I don't need you here anymore." It just like, slapped me in the face like a brick. I just felt so.... so, like,that he didn't even really care that we had just spent the day together and that as long as he didn't see me tomorrow, he'd be happy.
I started thinking, "Geez, can't I be a part of what you're doing?" But then I thought, "Well, it's not like we've known eachother for a long time and that I have any right to impose myself on things that he's already got planned." But..... the part that just makes it seem so harsh is that we were having a nice sort of... unspoken thing going on in his room, and the next thing I know, it's like that whole thing meant absolutely nothing and that he wasn't interested at all and that I really should just get out of the way of the other people that he actually cares about.
I try to remind myself that there probably wasn't any harsh feelings intended or any malice or anything like that, but... it sure felt that way. I don't think he was trying to hurt my feelings or tell me that other people are more important than me, but I still got hurt and I still got the strong impression that other people most definitely were more important than me to him. Up until then, even we'd had some communication problems thus far and all that, I was still thinking that if he's interested in hanging out more, then I'd love to do that. And I think that I was getting the message that he was interested in being with me more, but then, wham! Maybe not.
I just don't want to be unfair or mean or anything to him if it isn't due since I'm thinking I'm probably just being way too sensitive, but.... it just seems like, in an area like that, he's probably inviting over more furs and that I think it would have been a lot of fun for me to meet more people and kind of get a community going on where I live and stuff... If I were him and I had "the new guy" in my apartment like that, I totally would have invited him along, even if it looked like there was going to be a zillion people there because I hate leaving people out of things...
...just like how I hate being left out..
...which is what has been happening to me a lot lately. Like, last weekend, I went to Bumbershoot 2005 with my friend and we had a pretty good time (though I only knew one person that we saw perform and she did some really awkward material, in my opinion) and when it was over, he calls one of his friends and they're like "Hey! Why don't we get some drinks or something? Bring your friend, it'll be fun!" And then we hit the problem. He tells them that I'm not 21 and suddenly I'm wiped off the map. It was like, 10:30 PM or something at that point and I was totally awake and ready to go and have a good time like that, but no, I'm not old enough so I have to go home and be left out of something that I'm pretty sure I'd enjoy while he gets to do it.
And it's like, no one's fault or anything..... what am I supposed to do, blame my mother for not getting pregnant a year sooner? He even tells me that he's not really even interested in going since he's kinda tired, and I understand what he's doing.... he's honestly the nicest person I know and he knows how much I hate to be left out, but there's just nothing he can do about it.
Somewhere in my mind, I start to think that if I was 21 and I had underage friends that I liked being with, I'd try to find a way to actually please all parties involved.... that is, have some place that we could all go at that time of night where everyone would be able to do what they want. I dunno, am I crazy to think that there's a good, fun bar to be at where they do an armband thing and just not sell alcohol to people wearing the underage color? There was a place like that in La Grande, there has to be a place like that in Seattle.
But see, I also think... I mean, am I really worth all this trouble? Do I have any right to ask my best friend to go out of his way to find something to do with everyone else that he can also do with me instead of just leaving me at home? I don't know, but I'd like to think that if our roles were reversed, then I'd act differently... I just know how much it really, really hurts me to be put on the side like this, on purpose or not...
I feel like I've been making a really good effort to meet people and try to, y'know, make it clear that I want friends and I want people to do things with *a lot* but I keep running into people who already have enough friends or have enough things to do that they don't need me anywhere as much as I do them. I know I've written about this before, but it just keeps coming back again and again and again. And it still hurts me and I'm still totally clueless as to what I should do about it...
So, my next thing that I'm looking forward to is Conifur, which I had thought already come and gone before I got up to Seattle, but since it is in fact happening towards the end of October, that means I'll be able to go. In fact, I've already reserved my room (which holds four and I currently only have myself staying in it) and I've paid for my 3-day registration, so... yeah. That reminds me -- if anyone needs a room for Conifur, I most definitely am interested in sharing the space. I think I should send that out to a few mailing lists I'm a part of... hmm... >_>
Aaaaanyway, it kinda sucks that it's so far off from now since I want to get like..... community and togetherness and all that kind of thing really soon, but I dunno.... I'm hoping that I'll be able to find something else soon.
There's supposed to be a fair amount of us living around here, so I just have to find them...
So, yeah, anyway...... I think that's all my fingers can stand tonight, so..... hopefully I'll be able to find what I'm looking for soon. God knows I've been looking for long enough in my life for a few simple things...
G'night.
Where to start... well, the biggest thing that's happened to me recently (or rather, I took the initiative in making happen) was that I moved to Seattle a little over a week ago. Talk about a total shock to all of my senses.... nothing that I've ever experienced was enough to prepare me for this place. There's just so much of everything going on that it has honestly blown parts of my mind that I'm not sure are ever going to come back to me. >_>
For those not in the know, the main reason why I moved here was because I knew that I needed to leave eastern Oregon and college and all that, but the only place in the world that I know even one person is here in Seattle. And that's exactly how many people I knew moving here -- one. Luckily, the person I know happens to be like, my best friend of all time, so that's a bit of a comfort. The only kinda sucky part of that deal is that he's really, really busy all the time so he can't exactly be like, that person that I hang out with all the time. Too bad since he's so much fun to hang out with.
Anyway, being up here has really been..... well, actually, not a whole lot of fun so far. It's really put into sharp focus how lonely I can get when I don't really know enough people to spend my days with, so I've been hitting the online furry personals and stuff pretty hard looking for people to hang out with and stuff... There's *got* to be people around here who like the same kinds of things that I do and that wouldn't mind hanging around someone for a while. And, y'know, maybe actually be the kind of person who is actually as interested in me as I am in them.
Whiiiiiiich brings me to my main reason why I started thinking about writing in this thing again... Just today I hung out with a bunch of guys who were, I swear, pretty cool to be around. We went and had um..... bubbling tea or something like that, and that was tasty and yum. The guy I had initially talked to and knew the most about actually brought one of his roommates (also a fur) along for the ride and he certainly was a character. I don't believe I know anyone who talks in their falsetto voice as much as this guy did. ^_^
Anyway, we go and have this weird bubbling tea thing, and while we're in that place, he breaks out this board game which I can't remember the name of, which was basically like a practical version of Sim City 2000 or something. ^^ I was surprised because I normally don't like board games very much as I prefer video games as a source of enjoyment like that, but this one turned out to be pretty fun overall. We played for a few hours, packed up our stuff, and headed on back to his place.
It was starting to get kinda dark when we got to his place, but he told me that if I didn't mind sleeping over at someone else's apartment, it would be perfectly alright with him if I did, so I wasn't worried about needing to navigate dark and scary streets in the middle of the night in an unfamiliar neighborhood. Anyway, we get up to his room and it's..... it's honestly pretty hard to describe how I felt at this moment because it just seemed like exactly the kind of place I'd always want to live in....
...which, I'm sure, is hardly how most people I know would describe it because it wasn't like, huge, or excessively clean, or anything like that, but it had..... character. The walls had cool furry artwork all over them and there were like, cool tiger cloths hung about here and there and they were using like, furry art magnets ont he fridge (not all of them exactly PG or anything) and there were framed drawings elsewhere and plushies all over the place and.... it was just great to look at. It looked a lot like the people who live there wanted to be there and they had set things up so that they could be comfortable and also reminded about who they are... because I was certainly reminded about who I was, being in there.
Perhaps I underestimated this part of myself before, and how important it was, but... I believe that the furry side of myself is equally as important and also equally as influential in how I live and see things as things like my sexuality and intelligence are. So seeing all of this just reminded me of how much I love the culture and appreciation of these things and all the little cute things that people in the fandom tend to do and say and.... man. It was really neat...
There were five people living there, and up until today, I've never heard people say things like "my paws" or talking about themselves as being an animal or anything like that in anything resembling a casual tone of voice, but there it was, and all over the place. The people who lived there just seemed so comfortable and at-ease with all that that it just immediately set me at ease with everything... I could talk about someone like Doug Winger or Dark Natasha and they'd immediately know what I was talking about, or I could mention something about Zeta Creations without getting blank stares and just...... yeah. All that..... and one of them showed me their tail that they were making and this was not viewed as something weird. It's just everything that I've always wanted to experience.
So, I'd say things were going rather nicely for an evening that I'd probably otherwise be spending just sitting around in my room doing more work and such... and then we come to that lovely moment where I'm alone in the room of the guy that I know the best, and we're talking, and he's showing me things, and it's just feeling like a nice way of wrapping up the evening. He puts on an anime that I've never seen or even heard of and it's like, 20 episodes in so of course I can't have any idea what's going on, and we're both watching it in silence.
He's in one of those swivel chairs and I'm sitting next to him on a stool. I kinda... lean in a bit, perhaps a bit closer to him in order to kinda say that I wouldn't mind maybe a bit of.... I dunno, something. No, not sex or anything. I'm not interested in screwing someone that I've only known for a day. But I dunno, maybe some err.... I dunno, cuddling or something? Beats me, anyway, I wanted to let him decide. =P
So anyway, he's kinda swinging back and forth in his chair, and he eventually gets to the point where he's bumped into me and he just kinda stops there. So I'm thinking "Okay, I'll take that as a yes" so I kinda nudge him back a bit, letting him know that I think it's cool, and we kinda keep drifting closer as the anime goes on. I also notice out of the corner of my eye, since I'm sitting further back, that he's eyeballing me every now and then, so I'm kinda thinking "Yeah, I'm here, and yes, I enjoy closeness" and well..... that kinda goes on for the entire length of the anime. The show ends, he tells me that he *really* has to get to sleep since he's just not gotten enough recently for various reasons, and I'm totally cool with that, and so I say g'night and head out into the living room and hopefully talk with someone else who's still up for a while and maybe once they go to bed, like, K/O on the couch for the night.
So, I get out there, and the guy who came with me to the bubbling tea place is playing something on their PS2, so I go and sit next to them and watch for a bit, mostly trying to figure out what game it is he's playing. After a minute or two, though, the guy I had come there to see comes out and says, "Hey... I think it'd be good if you found your way back home tomorrow before I get back from work because I've got some people coming over tomorrow night." He then goes off and talks to one of his other roommates about.... well, I don't know, because I was so.... affected by what he said just then that I was just stunned.
I don't even have any idea if I have any right or reason to feel as hurt as I did, but..... it was like he was telling me, "Hey, I didn't mind hanging out with you today since I called in sick to work (which he did) and had a lot of hours to kill, but now that my *real* friends are coming over, I don't need you here anymore." It just like, slapped me in the face like a brick. I just felt so.... so, like,that he didn't even really care that we had just spent the day together and that as long as he didn't see me tomorrow, he'd be happy.
I started thinking, "Geez, can't I be a part of what you're doing?" But then I thought, "Well, it's not like we've known eachother for a long time and that I have any right to impose myself on things that he's already got planned." But..... the part that just makes it seem so harsh is that we were having a nice sort of... unspoken thing going on in his room, and the next thing I know, it's like that whole thing meant absolutely nothing and that he wasn't interested at all and that I really should just get out of the way of the other people that he actually cares about.
I try to remind myself that there probably wasn't any harsh feelings intended or any malice or anything like that, but... it sure felt that way. I don't think he was trying to hurt my feelings or tell me that other people are more important than me, but I still got hurt and I still got the strong impression that other people most definitely were more important than me to him. Up until then, even we'd had some communication problems thus far and all that, I was still thinking that if he's interested in hanging out more, then I'd love to do that. And I think that I was getting the message that he was interested in being with me more, but then, wham! Maybe not.
I just don't want to be unfair or mean or anything to him if it isn't due since I'm thinking I'm probably just being way too sensitive, but.... it just seems like, in an area like that, he's probably inviting over more furs and that I think it would have been a lot of fun for me to meet more people and kind of get a community going on where I live and stuff... If I were him and I had "the new guy" in my apartment like that, I totally would have invited him along, even if it looked like there was going to be a zillion people there because I hate leaving people out of things...
...just like how I hate being left out..
...which is what has been happening to me a lot lately. Like, last weekend, I went to Bumbershoot 2005 with my friend and we had a pretty good time (though I only knew one person that we saw perform and she did some really awkward material, in my opinion) and when it was over, he calls one of his friends and they're like "Hey! Why don't we get some drinks or something? Bring your friend, it'll be fun!" And then we hit the problem. He tells them that I'm not 21 and suddenly I'm wiped off the map. It was like, 10:30 PM or something at that point and I was totally awake and ready to go and have a good time like that, but no, I'm not old enough so I have to go home and be left out of something that I'm pretty sure I'd enjoy while he gets to do it.
And it's like, no one's fault or anything..... what am I supposed to do, blame my mother for not getting pregnant a year sooner? He even tells me that he's not really even interested in going since he's kinda tired, and I understand what he's doing.... he's honestly the nicest person I know and he knows how much I hate to be left out, but there's just nothing he can do about it.
Somewhere in my mind, I start to think that if I was 21 and I had underage friends that I liked being with, I'd try to find a way to actually please all parties involved.... that is, have some place that we could all go at that time of night where everyone would be able to do what they want. I dunno, am I crazy to think that there's a good, fun bar to be at where they do an armband thing and just not sell alcohol to people wearing the underage color? There was a place like that in La Grande, there has to be a place like that in Seattle.
But see, I also think... I mean, am I really worth all this trouble? Do I have any right to ask my best friend to go out of his way to find something to do with everyone else that he can also do with me instead of just leaving me at home? I don't know, but I'd like to think that if our roles were reversed, then I'd act differently... I just know how much it really, really hurts me to be put on the side like this, on purpose or not...
I feel like I've been making a really good effort to meet people and try to, y'know, make it clear that I want friends and I want people to do things with *a lot* but I keep running into people who already have enough friends or have enough things to do that they don't need me anywhere as much as I do them. I know I've written about this before, but it just keeps coming back again and again and again. And it still hurts me and I'm still totally clueless as to what I should do about it...
So, my next thing that I'm looking forward to is Conifur, which I had thought already come and gone before I got up to Seattle, but since it is in fact happening towards the end of October, that means I'll be able to go. In fact, I've already reserved my room (which holds four and I currently only have myself staying in it) and I've paid for my 3-day registration, so... yeah. That reminds me -- if anyone needs a room for Conifur, I most definitely am interested in sharing the space. I think I should send that out to a few mailing lists I'm a part of... hmm... >_>
Aaaaanyway, it kinda sucks that it's so far off from now since I want to get like..... community and togetherness and all that kind of thing really soon, but I dunno.... I'm hoping that I'll be able to find something else soon.
There's supposed to be a fair amount of us living around here, so I just have to find them...
So, yeah, anyway...... I think that's all my fingers can stand tonight, so..... hopefully I'll be able to find what I'm looking for soon. God knows I've been looking for long enough in my life for a few simple things...
G'night.