Fic: The Short Life of Hermione Granger (warning: contains spoiler)
Author: Pandaimonia
Title: The Short Life of Hermione Granger
Summary: A parody to the nth degree. Hermione goes looking for Snape because she has an important message to give him.
-Do not read if you do not enjoy black humour or the lambasting of fanfic devices.-
Word Count: 1250
Warning - contains SPOILERS for HBP
Dedicated to junediamanti, for reasons I think she shall understand. :p
Hermione stumbled to her knees, breathless and thoroughly shaken, but with a newfound sense of jubilation filling her. Over land over sea she had hunted him, letting nothing stand in her way. Desecrating corpses, terrifying children, betraying friends and family…well, it was all immaterial. This was True Love, after all. Time and time again she had almost given up, but now she knew, with an unshakable assurance, that her goal was close by. In fact, he was sitting on a decaying stool in the floor of a dank, musty, mossy cave, nursing a dark bottle filled with some liquid. She rushed forward, the taste of victory sweet in her mouth, and fell to her knees.
"Oh my poor, brave, noble Severus," she gasped. "If you had any idea how long and hard I’ve searched for you, desperately, madly, passionately, because I must tell you one thing.”
He stared at her, a look of horror mixed with revulsion on his face.
“Well, actually two. First, I know you were innocent.” When he opened his mouth, she held up a hand and shook her head, barreling on. “Oh, I know everyone else fell for your act, but it was obvious to me from the beginning. Of course you and Dumbledore had agreed upon this, of course he was pleading with you to kill him, not to spare his life. Naturally you two would want to save Draco so he could be redeemed…such a fair creature should not be corrupted by the Dark Arts, after all.” A predatory gleam passed through her eyes. “Not for a second did I believe you were really evil; no, I know you have such delicate sensibilities and are far too noble to commit such an act.”
Again Snape tried to speak, and again she waved his words aside. This time, he let her, leaning back with a look of interest now.
“The second thing I must tell you,” she said hurriedly, “is…I love you. Yes, I’m certain we are soul mates. Who else is my intellectual equal, who else reverberates with the same deep passion that I have?” Hermione crawled forward, reaching for a hand that was quickly retracted. She settled for the hem of his robe, though it was rather slimy. But a little slime is no hindrance to True Love, she reminded herself.
“How you must have suffered, killing your mentor and dear friend Albus Dumbledore. How filled with self-loathing you must be. It's all right, you can stop the cutting and self-inflicted mutilations you put yourself through. I shall comfort you, my Heathcliff, my Rochester, my dark, tormented, brooding lover.” She clasped one hand to her feminine, womanly cleavage which was threatening to pulsate right out of her low-cut school girl blouse.
Before he could respond, she began to unbutton her blouse. He didn’t look up. She continued on, undeterred. “Even now, trying to lose yourself in drink-such a self-destructive habit. You really don’t need to put yourself through this. I’m sure your name will be exonerated once we straighten everything out and everyone will be so proud of you for what you did. Killing Dumbledore like that-it was so selfless and noble, it just brings tears to my eyes. My poor, noble Severus, my heart just breaks for you. At night I whisper dark, classical poetry to myself and weep for you, such a tormented soul.” Hermione stopped, sniffling for a moment. “So please put that bottle of foul spirits down, Severus. It hurts me to watch you do this yourself.”
“Actually, it’s the blood of small children that I’ve killed in service to the Dark Lord,” he said drolly.
“Oh.” For a brief moment she was taken aback, but only a very small one. “You needn’t be so self-deprecating with me. Really, Severus, I see how you pretend to be so misanthropic and black-hearted in an attempt to keep people away, since you feel you don’t deserve their companionship and love. But I’m here to tell you that you do, and to cheer you up. Nothing like a good shag to bring one out of despair and suicidal self-loathing."
Snape snorted ungracefully and spat a mouthful of liquid on the floor. When she saw it, Hermione gave a little wince-it did look uncannily like children’s blood, but she knew her Severus could never perpetrate such a crime. For once he needed someone to believe the best of him, and she would be that person. He must be under great duress, after all, to forget his usual manners and debonair flair.
"As a matter of fact," she said off-hand, “I could use a little cheering up, really. On my way here I had to extricate myself from an extremely jealous Ron who had become an abusive rapist, then I had to get past Harry...you know, I do worry about him sometimes. I'm not sure Ginny ever really recovered from her bout with the diary, and their blood play and use of Crucio for fun was rather unnerving. I didn't really want to participate in their Dark Revel, but I suppose sometimes one must go along with their friends. Really though, it was nothing compared to being gang-raped by werewolves led by Fenrir Greyback." She gave a little, wistful sigh... "I'm not sure poor Professor Lupin will ever recover from the shock. I attempted to comfort him afterward and assure him that there was really no harm done. Funny though, he kept calling me Sirius as we made passionate love in the grove under the moon and stars. I guess Tonks isn’t keeping him satisfied after all."
At last her shirt hit the floor, and Hermione began to work on her bra. It was a back-clasp and rather awkward to do seductively, but she persevered. She had hoped that by this point Snape would be helping her, but he was just standing there, staring blankly at her. Poor man; likely his self-esteem was so low he was simply flabbergasted that an intellectual, attractive, and very mature young woman like herself was expressing interest in him.
“I want you to stop this nonsense, this instant, Hermione Granger.”
Hermione gave an adjusting tug at her voluminous bosom, hoping he would appreciate the Enlarging charm while it lasted. "I understand that you have principles, that you wouldn't want a relationship with a pupil or an underage witch because that would be immoral and taking advantage of your power," she said breathlessly, "but I'm not a student anymore, and I'm of age. And believe it or not, I want you, Severus Snape. I saw through the façade, the greasy, oily hair, the sallow skin, the enormous hooked nose…” He did give a little wince now, but she was oblivious. “Because I love you, and each moment that our hearts do not beat as one is agony to me. I want to be ravished, I want to be consumed by your dark passions, I want…”
Snape blinked finally. “You really have been reading too many trashy novel, you stupid, deluded girl. As I feel that you are too far gone to listen to my explanations, which might come as something of a vile shock to your pathetic fantasies…” He gave a bored flick of his wand. “Avada Kedavra.”
Hermione Granger hit the floor with a thud. Snape waved a hand toward the back of the cave. “For God’s sake, Peter, stop skulking in the shadows. Come and clean this mess up before it starts to stink.”
Title: The Short Life of Hermione Granger
Summary: A parody to the nth degree. Hermione goes looking for Snape because she has an important message to give him.
-Do not read if you do not enjoy black humour or the lambasting of fanfic devices.-
Word Count: 1250
Warning - contains SPOILERS for HBP
Dedicated to junediamanti, for reasons I think she shall understand. :p
Hermione stumbled to her knees, breathless and thoroughly shaken, but with a newfound sense of jubilation filling her. Over land over sea she had hunted him, letting nothing stand in her way. Desecrating corpses, terrifying children, betraying friends and family…well, it was all immaterial. This was True Love, after all. Time and time again she had almost given up, but now she knew, with an unshakable assurance, that her goal was close by. In fact, he was sitting on a decaying stool in the floor of a dank, musty, mossy cave, nursing a dark bottle filled with some liquid. She rushed forward, the taste of victory sweet in her mouth, and fell to her knees.
"Oh my poor, brave, noble Severus," she gasped. "If you had any idea how long and hard I’ve searched for you, desperately, madly, passionately, because I must tell you one thing.”
He stared at her, a look of horror mixed with revulsion on his face.
“Well, actually two. First, I know you were innocent.” When he opened his mouth, she held up a hand and shook her head, barreling on. “Oh, I know everyone else fell for your act, but it was obvious to me from the beginning. Of course you and Dumbledore had agreed upon this, of course he was pleading with you to kill him, not to spare his life. Naturally you two would want to save Draco so he could be redeemed…such a fair creature should not be corrupted by the Dark Arts, after all.” A predatory gleam passed through her eyes. “Not for a second did I believe you were really evil; no, I know you have such delicate sensibilities and are far too noble to commit such an act.”
Again Snape tried to speak, and again she waved his words aside. This time, he let her, leaning back with a look of interest now.
“The second thing I must tell you,” she said hurriedly, “is…I love you. Yes, I’m certain we are soul mates. Who else is my intellectual equal, who else reverberates with the same deep passion that I have?” Hermione crawled forward, reaching for a hand that was quickly retracted. She settled for the hem of his robe, though it was rather slimy. But a little slime is no hindrance to True Love, she reminded herself.
“How you must have suffered, killing your mentor and dear friend Albus Dumbledore. How filled with self-loathing you must be. It's all right, you can stop the cutting and self-inflicted mutilations you put yourself through. I shall comfort you, my Heathcliff, my Rochester, my dark, tormented, brooding lover.” She clasped one hand to her feminine, womanly cleavage which was threatening to pulsate right out of her low-cut school girl blouse.
Before he could respond, she began to unbutton her blouse. He didn’t look up. She continued on, undeterred. “Even now, trying to lose yourself in drink-such a self-destructive habit. You really don’t need to put yourself through this. I’m sure your name will be exonerated once we straighten everything out and everyone will be so proud of you for what you did. Killing Dumbledore like that-it was so selfless and noble, it just brings tears to my eyes. My poor, noble Severus, my heart just breaks for you. At night I whisper dark, classical poetry to myself and weep for you, such a tormented soul.” Hermione stopped, sniffling for a moment. “So please put that bottle of foul spirits down, Severus. It hurts me to watch you do this yourself.”
“Actually, it’s the blood of small children that I’ve killed in service to the Dark Lord,” he said drolly.
“Oh.” For a brief moment she was taken aback, but only a very small one. “You needn’t be so self-deprecating with me. Really, Severus, I see how you pretend to be so misanthropic and black-hearted in an attempt to keep people away, since you feel you don’t deserve their companionship and love. But I’m here to tell you that you do, and to cheer you up. Nothing like a good shag to bring one out of despair and suicidal self-loathing."
Snape snorted ungracefully and spat a mouthful of liquid on the floor. When she saw it, Hermione gave a little wince-it did look uncannily like children’s blood, but she knew her Severus could never perpetrate such a crime. For once he needed someone to believe the best of him, and she would be that person. He must be under great duress, after all, to forget his usual manners and debonair flair.
"As a matter of fact," she said off-hand, “I could use a little cheering up, really. On my way here I had to extricate myself from an extremely jealous Ron who had become an abusive rapist, then I had to get past Harry...you know, I do worry about him sometimes. I'm not sure Ginny ever really recovered from her bout with the diary, and their blood play and use of Crucio for fun was rather unnerving. I didn't really want to participate in their Dark Revel, but I suppose sometimes one must go along with their friends. Really though, it was nothing compared to being gang-raped by werewolves led by Fenrir Greyback." She gave a little, wistful sigh... "I'm not sure poor Professor Lupin will ever recover from the shock. I attempted to comfort him afterward and assure him that there was really no harm done. Funny though, he kept calling me Sirius as we made passionate love in the grove under the moon and stars. I guess Tonks isn’t keeping him satisfied after all."
At last her shirt hit the floor, and Hermione began to work on her bra. It was a back-clasp and rather awkward to do seductively, but she persevered. She had hoped that by this point Snape would be helping her, but he was just standing there, staring blankly at her. Poor man; likely his self-esteem was so low he was simply flabbergasted that an intellectual, attractive, and very mature young woman like herself was expressing interest in him.
“I want you to stop this nonsense, this instant, Hermione Granger.”
Hermione gave an adjusting tug at her voluminous bosom, hoping he would appreciate the Enlarging charm while it lasted. "I understand that you have principles, that you wouldn't want a relationship with a pupil or an underage witch because that would be immoral and taking advantage of your power," she said breathlessly, "but I'm not a student anymore, and I'm of age. And believe it or not, I want you, Severus Snape. I saw through the façade, the greasy, oily hair, the sallow skin, the enormous hooked nose…” He did give a little wince now, but she was oblivious. “Because I love you, and each moment that our hearts do not beat as one is agony to me. I want to be ravished, I want to be consumed by your dark passions, I want…”
Snape blinked finally. “You really have been reading too many trashy novel, you stupid, deluded girl. As I feel that you are too far gone to listen to my explanations, which might come as something of a vile shock to your pathetic fantasies…” He gave a bored flick of his wand. “Avada Kedavra.”
Hermione Granger hit the floor with a thud. Snape waved a hand toward the back of the cave. “For God’s sake, Peter, stop skulking in the shadows. Come and clean this mess up before it starts to stink.”