An ephiphanical moment about relationships and love.
I’ve been through a pretty turbulent month. I’ve been dumped from a relationship over the phone, had an emotional breakdown at home and at work, fought with my mum, handed in my resignation letter, and emotionally swung from catatonia, depression, anger to random moments of happiness. In short, I’ve been something of an emotional rollercoaster wreck. But having a talk today with a good friend of mine has helped massively, and it’s affirmed a lot of things that I may have had doubts about or issues that I felt that I needed to deal with, especially the things that stemmed from the breakup of my relationship, and also where I wanted to go with my life. I won’t deal with my professional issues here, as that is more reserved for another long rant about my opinions on the education system, but my personal life is something that I need to write here as a sort of affirmation.
Relationship-wise, I think I’m going in the right direction. There are days that I still feel pain and hurt, but most days I’ve improved a lot from having days where I wake up and I just don’t do anything and I’ve been dead to the world. These days now are more about thinking and dealing with these moments, and from a lost day, I’ve gotten down to maybe an hour, so I’ve made some progress. Writing about it, reading about it, mentally dealing with the reasons, going through a bit of grieving, this all helps a little bit, but there’s still some lingering feelings that are hard to get rid of. There are the moments that pop into my head of the past, of happier times. There are the vivid dreams which leave me sad and emotional when I awake. There are those mental arguments with myself about the future, and what I can do to change it, or move on. I can’t change what’s happened before, but I can definitely do something about the future.
I’ve realized that I’ve got to heal myself before I can even consider the future. There’s all of these problems with me that I’ve got to work on, such as my lack of self-dependence, my loss of self, my retreat into myself and my defensiveness of my flaws and faults and lashing out at these, being lazy and not showing my commitment to a relationship, all my personality flaws and issues that prevented me from progressing as a person. On the flip side, I also realize that I’m not a horrendously bad person. Like all humans, I’m just horrendously flawed and imperfect. This is not bad, in fact, this is very normal. If I was looking for perfection, I would be unhappy for the rest of my life, but I’m looking for some improvement to the self, and emerging from this period in the manner of a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis of a cocoon would be a satisfying result. If my peers and friends come up to me and say afterwards that “You’ve become a different person, the same, but different all the same”, then I would know that I have made some sort of major personal change.
That is the other real challenge. One may work hard at change, but it’s the changes that stick with you and you don’t revert to the old habits, they are the hardest to keep. It shouldn’t even be the ones that you have to think about anymore, they represent a shift in persona, rather than a temporary shift. For example, I’ve been attempting in the last 2 months to stop saying “like”. For me, it has become a religious cauterization. I hear it every day, people randomly using that “l” word, and it has gotten to the point where it is distinctively irritating if I hear it, and if I use it. The problem is that it is hard to remove, and a large part of me says that if I can do this and make it a permanent change, I really can do a lot of other things.
This brings me to an earlier question that I posed in an earlier post. This is the issue of the disposable relationship, or to be more precise, the problem of not only a disposable relationship, but our search for the easy relationship. I fear that, in a way, we’re creating a world where what we seek in love is something that is not something that is built, but we all seek what I have come to say is the “love at first sight” kind of love, the idealized version of love that we all yearn for, but in reality probably could never find. I know of only a few instances where I would say is the case, but most successful relationships in the real world would have been ones where there has been a lot of work between the two people. The main thing has been the desire to commit to the relationship and their willingness to stay and work on the conflicts and differences of opinion that may exist. It may not be one where they end up with consensus, they may maintain their opinions. But they have both made that commitment to continue to work at it, and what they both have had has grown into something spectacular and beautiful, that may lead to a long and fruitful union between two minds.
The thing is that, the current world encourages us to consume and discard when finished with alarming alacrity. In particular, if it does not work, there is no need to fix it, it would cost more, so we dispose of it instead. The question then is this: are we now engaging in the same mindset with relationships? Phenomenon such as speed dating, online dating and flirting, singles or desperate and dateless balls, the objectification of physical appearances, valuing physical features and completely ignoring the emotional, intellectual and mental features of a person, the increase emphasis of sex in the developed world, it makes me question whether all of my work to achieve a level of self-improvement is worth the effort. I have to believe that most people live in the veneer of looking for their great love, but are willing to work on a relationship if they see the value in it, and that my current feeling is more a result of being burnt and not an emerging societal change.
I somehow do doubt that it is an emerging movement, as from my experiences with people, that this opinion may not be true. However, the opinions that I have are from my generation. I am unsure about the new and upcoming generation of young adults and children that have been exposed to a lifetime of easy, casual relationships and the concept of love at first sight. Even the concept of speed dating, that is, knowing whether you would like someone, or finding a serious partner, within the first 5-10 minutes of a conversation, holds some truth but places enormous pressure on the self to perform. In this high-paced, consumer-style world, there should still be a place for romance and love.
But what I’ve learnt is that love is something that is built. Love doesn’t blossom at first sight. That kind of love is not the honest, truthful kind. The truest love is the one that still exists after you have broken off the relationship, months down the track, the pain and suffering is gone, and you can say with conviction in your heart and mind that you love someone, even for all of their faults and flaws, and that you would be happy for them no matter who they’ve become, and wish them all the best. That’s love. That’s what REAL love is all about, and I guess I’m experiencing bits of it now, although I've still a lot to learn.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
Relationship-wise, I think I’m going in the right direction. There are days that I still feel pain and hurt, but most days I’ve improved a lot from having days where I wake up and I just don’t do anything and I’ve been dead to the world. These days now are more about thinking and dealing with these moments, and from a lost day, I’ve gotten down to maybe an hour, so I’ve made some progress. Writing about it, reading about it, mentally dealing with the reasons, going through a bit of grieving, this all helps a little bit, but there’s still some lingering feelings that are hard to get rid of. There are the moments that pop into my head of the past, of happier times. There are the vivid dreams which leave me sad and emotional when I awake. There are those mental arguments with myself about the future, and what I can do to change it, or move on. I can’t change what’s happened before, but I can definitely do something about the future.
I’ve realized that I’ve got to heal myself before I can even consider the future. There’s all of these problems with me that I’ve got to work on, such as my lack of self-dependence, my loss of self, my retreat into myself and my defensiveness of my flaws and faults and lashing out at these, being lazy and not showing my commitment to a relationship, all my personality flaws and issues that prevented me from progressing as a person. On the flip side, I also realize that I’m not a horrendously bad person. Like all humans, I’m just horrendously flawed and imperfect. This is not bad, in fact, this is very normal. If I was looking for perfection, I would be unhappy for the rest of my life, but I’m looking for some improvement to the self, and emerging from this period in the manner of a butterfly emerging from its chrysalis of a cocoon would be a satisfying result. If my peers and friends come up to me and say afterwards that “You’ve become a different person, the same, but different all the same”, then I would know that I have made some sort of major personal change.
That is the other real challenge. One may work hard at change, but it’s the changes that stick with you and you don’t revert to the old habits, they are the hardest to keep. It shouldn’t even be the ones that you have to think about anymore, they represent a shift in persona, rather than a temporary shift. For example, I’ve been attempting in the last 2 months to stop saying “like”. For me, it has become a religious cauterization. I hear it every day, people randomly using that “l” word, and it has gotten to the point where it is distinctively irritating if I hear it, and if I use it. The problem is that it is hard to remove, and a large part of me says that if I can do this and make it a permanent change, I really can do a lot of other things.
This brings me to an earlier question that I posed in an earlier post. This is the issue of the disposable relationship, or to be more precise, the problem of not only a disposable relationship, but our search for the easy relationship. I fear that, in a way, we’re creating a world where what we seek in love is something that is not something that is built, but we all seek what I have come to say is the “love at first sight” kind of love, the idealized version of love that we all yearn for, but in reality probably could never find. I know of only a few instances where I would say is the case, but most successful relationships in the real world would have been ones where there has been a lot of work between the two people. The main thing has been the desire to commit to the relationship and their willingness to stay and work on the conflicts and differences of opinion that may exist. It may not be one where they end up with consensus, they may maintain their opinions. But they have both made that commitment to continue to work at it, and what they both have had has grown into something spectacular and beautiful, that may lead to a long and fruitful union between two minds.
The thing is that, the current world encourages us to consume and discard when finished with alarming alacrity. In particular, if it does not work, there is no need to fix it, it would cost more, so we dispose of it instead. The question then is this: are we now engaging in the same mindset with relationships? Phenomenon such as speed dating, online dating and flirting, singles or desperate and dateless balls, the objectification of physical appearances, valuing physical features and completely ignoring the emotional, intellectual and mental features of a person, the increase emphasis of sex in the developed world, it makes me question whether all of my work to achieve a level of self-improvement is worth the effort. I have to believe that most people live in the veneer of looking for their great love, but are willing to work on a relationship if they see the value in it, and that my current feeling is more a result of being burnt and not an emerging societal change.
I somehow do doubt that it is an emerging movement, as from my experiences with people, that this opinion may not be true. However, the opinions that I have are from my generation. I am unsure about the new and upcoming generation of young adults and children that have been exposed to a lifetime of easy, casual relationships and the concept of love at first sight. Even the concept of speed dating, that is, knowing whether you would like someone, or finding a serious partner, within the first 5-10 minutes of a conversation, holds some truth but places enormous pressure on the self to perform. In this high-paced, consumer-style world, there should still be a place for romance and love.
But what I’ve learnt is that love is something that is built. Love doesn’t blossom at first sight. That kind of love is not the honest, truthful kind. The truest love is the one that still exists after you have broken off the relationship, months down the track, the pain and suffering is gone, and you can say with conviction in your heart and mind that you love someone, even for all of their faults and flaws, and that you would be happy for them no matter who they’ve become, and wish them all the best. That’s love. That’s what REAL love is all about, and I guess I’m experiencing bits of it now, although I've still a lot to learn.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."