Sweet Zombie Jesus
My cousin Vanessa had her third baby this past September, I think it was around the same time Victoria Fay was born. She named the little creature Ivan and so far he's the most well behaved of her 3 progeny.
Some of you might recall in past entries I talked about the first two baptisms...baptismals?...baptimisisms, whatever the fuck! The point is I went to both and posted entries about them. Remember how at both, the babies wouldn't shut up until the priest sprinkled the holy piss on 'em and declared them "new creatures"? That was just plain scary. Them kids were as quiet as a raped corpse after the priest did that. Well, I guess they were as quiet as any kind of corpse.
Anyway, Vanessa asked me to be the godfather for little chipmunk faced Ivan and I agreed. I know what you're thinking: "But Aramis, aren't you and atheist? How can you be the godfather? You'd have to make a vow to the church and swear before God"
Well, it's actually quite simple:
Vanessa doesn't know I'm atheist so I'm just gonna get up there and lie. Lie like a corpse on the ground about to get raped. I don't mind lying to the church, I'm Aramis, the whole thing is meaningless hocus pocus anyway.
She didn't tell me until a few hours before it actually started, but Leonela(my cousin and the godmother)and I had to go to a sermon that everyone has to attend before being allowed to become godparents. This was about 2 weeks ago. We got to the place late(my fault) and it was just some guy's house. The guy(I think he was a preacher or a minister or whichever is allowed to marry)started talking to us about Adam & Eve. No, not the porn company, the story from the bible. Oh man, did he make that story sexist as hell. Talking about how it's the fault of woman that we all must suffer. This guy actually started pissing me off. He finished every sentence with "Ok?" That got annoying fast.
I had to poop bad. The fucking bathroom was right behind the guy and I was in the front row. I couldn't get up go poop because I would have to get up and everyone would see me go in. And I would probably be in there for a while and when I came out people would know what I was doing. My biggest fear would be that if I missed part of the sermon I would have to come back later. Fuck that!
So, one church-authorized certificate of completion and a massive headache later, Leonela and I were out of there and at a burger joint having a late dinner and talking about Wall-E.
I actually forgot I had to poop until I got home later.
That's not all I wanted to mention actually. Vanessa told me that I have to go to confession the day of baptisery. That's right folks, Aramis has to go to confession.
And there be the point of this post. You guys all know me pretty well, what the hell should I confess? I mean, the priest has to keep everything secret so there are no worries there. But what the hell do you guys think I should talk about? I mean, obviously the whole thing with Sara is at the top of the list, I'm pretty sure participating in mutual masturbation with a married woman in public is a sin. But what else?
I was talking to my boss at work about it(he's an atheist too) and he told me to just make shit up.
"I shot heroin between my toes"
"I sold a dead bird to a blind kid and told him it was a hamster"
"I jacked-off in a church confessional...do you have a kleenex?"
"I had impure thoughts about children. They're just so damn tempting. But look who I'm telling. You know what I'm talking about, right padre?"
Do I have to confess to just stuff I did or is it stuff I said too? Cuz if that's the case, I'm gonna be in there for a while.
C'mon guys, help me out. What should I confess to?
- Aramis
Some of you might recall in past entries I talked about the first two baptisms...baptismals?...baptimisisms, whatever the fuck! The point is I went to both and posted entries about them. Remember how at both, the babies wouldn't shut up until the priest sprinkled the holy piss on 'em and declared them "new creatures"? That was just plain scary. Them kids were as quiet as a raped corpse after the priest did that. Well, I guess they were as quiet as any kind of corpse.
Anyway, Vanessa asked me to be the godfather for little chipmunk faced Ivan and I agreed. I know what you're thinking: "But Aramis, aren't you and atheist? How can you be the godfather? You'd have to make a vow to the church and swear before God"
Well, it's actually quite simple:
Vanessa doesn't know I'm atheist so I'm just gonna get up there and lie. Lie like a corpse on the ground about to get raped. I don't mind lying to the church, I'm Aramis, the whole thing is meaningless hocus pocus anyway.
She didn't tell me until a few hours before it actually started, but Leonela(my cousin and the godmother)and I had to go to a sermon that everyone has to attend before being allowed to become godparents. This was about 2 weeks ago. We got to the place late(my fault) and it was just some guy's house. The guy(I think he was a preacher or a minister or whichever is allowed to marry)started talking to us about Adam & Eve. No, not the porn company, the story from the bible. Oh man, did he make that story sexist as hell. Talking about how it's the fault of woman that we all must suffer. This guy actually started pissing me off. He finished every sentence with "Ok?" That got annoying fast.
I had to poop bad. The fucking bathroom was right behind the guy and I was in the front row. I couldn't get up go poop because I would have to get up and everyone would see me go in. And I would probably be in there for a while and when I came out people would know what I was doing. My biggest fear would be that if I missed part of the sermon I would have to come back later. Fuck that!
So, one church-authorized certificate of completion and a massive headache later, Leonela and I were out of there and at a burger joint having a late dinner and talking about Wall-E.
I actually forgot I had to poop until I got home later.
That's not all I wanted to mention actually. Vanessa told me that I have to go to confession the day of baptisery. That's right folks, Aramis has to go to confession.
And there be the point of this post. You guys all know me pretty well, what the hell should I confess? I mean, the priest has to keep everything secret so there are no worries there. But what the hell do you guys think I should talk about? I mean, obviously the whole thing with Sara is at the top of the list, I'm pretty sure participating in mutual masturbation with a married woman in public is a sin. But what else?
I was talking to my boss at work about it(he's an atheist too) and he told me to just make shit up.
"I shot heroin between my toes"
"I sold a dead bird to a blind kid and told him it was a hamster"
"I jacked-off in a church confessional...do you have a kleenex?"
"I had impure thoughts about children. They're just so damn tempting. But look who I'm telling. You know what I'm talking about, right padre?"
Do I have to confess to just stuff I did or is it stuff I said too? Cuz if that's the case, I'm gonna be in there for a while.
C'mon guys, help me out. What should I confess to?
- Aramis