(no subject)
Every single day for the past month I've been thinking about giving up on life. I feel so lost despite the fact that I have a wonderful family, good friends and a good life. I hate myself for feeling so down despite knowing the many blessings God has given. Even though I'm aware, and by no means do I take them all for granted I still fuck my life up on purpose for some reason I don't even know of. I don't know what my future is, I am turning 23 and I still don't know what I want and it frustrates me. All the goals I set for myself have not been met. I still haven't made my parents proud and I am ashamed to be their daughter because I don't deserve them. They're a whole league above from me.I put on makeup and try to feel pretty and sometimes I do but deep down inside I feel as if no one will ever want me. I'm surrounded by friends who have been kind to me and have accepted me but I can't even accept myself and I still feel alone and unwanted even when I'm laughing and playing with them. I'm doing everything I can to be happy but still that dark feeling inside me comes back again and again. I try and try and try so hard but I just can't seem to imagine myself 10 years from now and lately, I feel that it is that way because I don't have a future. Maybe my life was meant to end soon. I always keep waiting to find out if I have an incurable disease. sometimes I deliberately just abuse myself because I want to get sick. Sometimes I see the knife or the cutter on my desk and my wrists just burn and I want to slit them open and watch myself bleed. these thoughts scare me but they become more and more tempting every single day. i find more and more reasons to want to do them and i give myself more reasons when i can't find enough. i hate myself. i hate what i have become. i feel like i don't deserve this life and i don't deserve the people who love me. so maybe it's better if I just disappeared.