(no subject)

[pandabear05]

Disowned and alone, Left with out a soul around.I walked central at midnight when one car passed every four minutes..Then bright lights followed slowly down Girard as I was close to home.I staired up at the stars walking slowly while the wind gave me a wave of chills.Knowing that when I got home it was going to be just as lonely as I was at that very moment. My friend has moveda away and I'm alone in my cave. Now it's offically MY CAVE. I hate living alone. I feel just that... alone as fuck! and it bothers the hell out of me. I even went as low as asking brian to come over at two in the morning just so I could fall asleep the night before. And he did. He held me and told me everything would be ok while brushing his thumbs over my cheek bones and running his fingers through my hair. The same way he did on our first date as we stood over the rio grand and watched the back drop of lights from the Burque. I staired up at my cealing still hurt by him but when he asked me if any part of the reason I was so upset was because of him, I lied not lookin him in the eye. To selfish to my own feelings to say fuck ya I'm pissed at u Brian. And I was pissed at him. But I needed him. And he was there when i needed him. So I turned my face towards his looking up and him and kissed him softly pulling back and whispering "I promise" with my eyes not closed but looking down pretending. Sadly smelling whisky on his breath and wondering if the only reason I was getting a part of the brian that I fell in love with back was because he was buzzed. I asked if he'd been drinking and he confessed asking if that was a problem. "No," I replied. The truth is, I was happy to be there with him last night. And when I told him I wasn't in the mood, he respected it. Even if alcohol was in his blood stream at the moment he stopped kissing me pulled away and realized that I wasn't happy. I saw from my side view him staring into my eyes and at the moment I knew he realized I was hurt by him. So many other things were going through my head at the moment he thought when actually all I was thinking about was how the Brian I first met was gone. And he's not coming back. And as hard as I want to continue to date him now that we have made amends.... I can forgive him... But I can't forget what he said when we faught that night. I wish I wasn't as selfish to my own heart as I am sometimes. I don't understand what scares me so much about some of the guys in my life. My father for one. It's now two fifteen am.. 24 hours later. and his taste is still in my mouth.. His fingers wrapped in mine.. His smell is on my pillow. And for the past week he's been the only relief of lonelyness Ive experienced.

Turn out the light.
Just say goodnight to yourself
may i remind you,when you find you
are alones when you.
You've got to be strong.
"Sense Field"