fuck me sideways
fuck me sideways
well fuck. i finally find the guy i've been fantasizing about for about the past 5 years, and yet when i could've met him, i was hun gup on someone else. i don't regret Will. i never would. who would want to regret someone who bloody worships the ground you walk on? it's jus tthat whenever all i need is a hand to hold, or a hug, he's on the other side of the country and it's something that Daddy can't exactly fix. and neither can dr. feelgoodfromabottle apparently. oh, i'm gonna hate myslef so much when i wake up in the morning. i've done more drinking and thinking tonight than i ever want to again. i'm at that age when i should be enjoying what life has to offer, but the only thing tha treally makes me happy is too far away to be any good. and it's all my fault. you know when you have a problem, and you find the problem at the bottom of a bottle? well, i'm having one of thoses and that's kind of why i'm typing this so i don't forget. i hate myself. i can be outgoing and pretend that everything's okay, but deep down i hate that the one guy that needs me to get farther in life i fall in love with and now i half-regret it. sometimes i wonder who i'd be if i hadn't of gotten back together with him. during that break with Will she met him, and i could be on a whole different path. or would it really have been that different? He's a marine, and may sign up for another contract. Even if by some miracle Will and i broke up, it would only keep me happy for a few months but then he'd be gone, and i'd be alone. again. well fuck me. fuck me sideways. i guess i'm masochistic at some level becuase i put myself through this shit. I knew that Will didn't take school seriously and that he hated his job. Military was exactly what he needed, and Army was the only one that would take him at that point (what's really ironic is that now he's at Air Force weight which is what he originally wanted). I knew that it would be hard, but i was so used to the guys that went to school with me that i didn't think i would find anyone else who made me feel as good as He does. Well fuck was i wrong. the whole thing with Sean, and now Ilya. but at least Ilya told me right off the bat that he wouldn't do anything, which i hate him for and love him for at the same time. I know the decision isn't even a debate, i mean there's a bloody ring on my finger for crying out loud, but the fac tthat he exists kind of kicks my feet out from under me. please, laugh at me. the rest of the universe is, so why not join in? God, i don't know what it was that i did, but i'm sorry. now please stop, it wasn't funny ot begin with, let alone to keep going with. sincerely, the wannabe russian. yep, i'm drunk enough to admit that too. Daddy never learned it because his parents wanted him to be american and mom's an austrian-irish girl. so basically my heritage is Jack Daniels. could explain my current condition.i'm probably the only one in my family even remotely interested in our native language, but teaching yourself any language, let alone russian, is a bitch and a half. so i fucked myself over again. i seem ot bevery good at that. haha, someone told me to go get a vibrator to feel better. you know what's sad? i'm too poor to get one. all my money goes to my parents because of dad's heart. guess who pays for groceries. yep, the eighteen-year-old who used her own money for a tattoo and that was her big gift. as much as i love it, i wish i wasn't so mature. Fuck it, i've had to be an adult since i was five because of the 3 doxen medical conditions that keep my mother incapacitated with meds, pot, or alcohol and my dad at work to pay for her addiction of choice. at least the only one i inherited was the alcohol, it's definitely the cheapest of the three. i'm such a boring person. explain to me how i have friends? i study, work, and take care of my family. then my mom basically adopted Will because he lost his mother at the same age that he lost his. this explains why i never looked outside of my situations for other possible partners. that's about the only truly russian thing tha tgot from my father, i never cross my parents. Will's the only one that mom ever approved of, so he's the only one i ever considered. i'm drunk-rambling, i need to shut up and get some water before i hurt somebody.
well fuck. i finally find the guy i've been fantasizing about for about the past 5 years, and yet when i could've met him, i was hun gup on someone else. i don't regret Will. i never would. who would want to regret someone who bloody worships the ground you walk on? it's jus tthat whenever all i need is a hand to hold, or a hug, he's on the other side of the country and it's something that Daddy can't exactly fix. and neither can dr. feelgoodfromabottle apparently. oh, i'm gonna hate myslef so much when i wake up in the morning. i've done more drinking and thinking tonight than i ever want to again. i'm at that age when i should be enjoying what life has to offer, but the only thing tha treally makes me happy is too far away to be any good. and it's all my fault. you know when you have a problem, and you find the problem at the bottom of a bottle? well, i'm having one of thoses and that's kind of why i'm typing this so i don't forget. i hate myself. i can be outgoing and pretend that everything's okay, but deep down i hate that the one guy that needs me to get farther in life i fall in love with and now i half-regret it. sometimes i wonder who i'd be if i hadn't of gotten back together with him. during that break with Will she met him, and i could be on a whole different path. or would it really have been that different? He's a marine, and may sign up for another contract. Even if by some miracle Will and i broke up, it would only keep me happy for a few months but then he'd be gone, and i'd be alone. again. well fuck me. fuck me sideways. i guess i'm masochistic at some level becuase i put myself through this shit. I knew that Will didn't take school seriously and that he hated his job. Military was exactly what he needed, and Army was the only one that would take him at that point (what's really ironic is that now he's at Air Force weight which is what he originally wanted). I knew that it would be hard, but i was so used to the guys that went to school with me that i didn't think i would find anyone else who made me feel as good as He does. Well fuck was i wrong. the whole thing with Sean, and now Ilya. but at least Ilya told me right off the bat that he wouldn't do anything, which i hate him for and love him for at the same time. I know the decision isn't even a debate, i mean there's a bloody ring on my finger for crying out loud, but the fac tthat he exists kind of kicks my feet out from under me. please, laugh at me. the rest of the universe is, so why not join in? God, i don't know what it was that i did, but i'm sorry. now please stop, it wasn't funny ot begin with, let alone to keep going with. sincerely, the wannabe russian. yep, i'm drunk enough to admit that too. Daddy never learned it because his parents wanted him to be american and mom's an austrian-irish girl. so basically my heritage is Jack Daniels. could explain my current condition.i'm probably the only one in my family even remotely interested in our native language, but teaching yourself any language, let alone russian, is a bitch and a half. so i fucked myself over again. i seem ot bevery good at that. haha, someone told me to go get a vibrator to feel better. you know what's sad? i'm too poor to get one. all my money goes to my parents because of dad's heart. guess who pays for groceries. yep, the eighteen-year-old who used her own money for a tattoo and that was her big gift. as much as i love it, i wish i wasn't so mature. Fuck it, i've had to be an adult since i was five because of the 3 doxen medical conditions that keep my mother incapacitated with meds, pot, or alcohol and my dad at work to pay for her addiction of choice. at least the only one i inherited was the alcohol, it's definitely the cheapest of the three. i'm such a boring person. explain to me how i have friends? i study, work, and take care of my family. then my mom basically adopted Will because he lost his mother at the same age that he lost his. this explains why i never looked outside of my situations for other possible partners. that's about the only truly russian thing tha tgot from my father, i never cross my parents. Will's the only one that mom ever approved of, so he's the only one i ever considered. i'm drunk-rambling, i need to shut up and get some water before i hurt somebody.