One day I'll grow a forrest in the dirt you left me with

[panda_hare]

Before I get back to writing my resume and coverletter, I thought that I would share some very appropriate lyrics for my life right now. You know what I have learned since August? Never put yourself out there. Never trust that someone will follow through with their word. Know, in your heart of hearts, who you love and who loves you and let go

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[panda_hare]

It means that planning a wedding lets your know which friends you can depend on and certainly which you can't. It also shows you which friends would die by your side holding your heart and those that would run to save themselves.

It means that being 'class representative' for a group of 35 24year olds can be a lot like being a mother of a group of 3 year olds who are incapable of thinking or doing anything for themselves. It also means that those who say thank you and lend a hand are only 2 in 35.

It means that being in a classroom filled with new people and trying to maintain your persona of being the 'cheerleader' for the group when you just want to scream is absolutely exhausting. It also means that those who notice you screaming behind your eyes deserve the recognition of a thousand saints.

It means letting go of those friends who may not deserve you. It means recognizing that you are worth deserving. It means finally seeing what others see in you and not accepting anything else. It means crying when you want to, laughing when you want to, singing when you want to, dancing when you want to, yelling when you want to and realizing that you are never alone when doing any of these things.

Hard to explain without writing a script for the past 6 months... but I know now that I want to be me. I want to be fearless... and that means letting go of being miss perfect. Screw being perfect! Screw censoring myself! Screw trying to get people I can't stand to like me! It's exhausting.... and completely unnecessary. There are plenty of people who love me. Plenty of people who will stand by me without having to be convinced to like me.

It means I had a realization after another night of conversations with my true friends and my true love which ended with the bullshit of someone who doesn't deserve to talk about being 'honoured' by me. Why do I have to listen? Why do I have to polite?

From now on I will be fearless. That's what it means....