Fic- "Brittle and Fertile and Ready to Die" - Lily Evans Centric
Fandom: Harry Potter
Characters: Lily Evans and Maryanne MacDonald
Warnings: Hurt/Comfort
Rated: PG13
Author's Notes: This story is an exploration of the friendship between Maryanne MacDonald and Lily Ann Evans. It takes place immediately after their graduation from Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, after they've both begun working for the Oder of the Phoenix, and have acclimated(notreally) to their roles in the Order. This fic deals with an emotionally fragile Mary, and a motherly and concerned Lily.
Brittle and Fertile and Ready to Die
||||
"Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again,
skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts."
||||
Lily couldn't stand being left behind.
She refused to move when the floo lit up and Professor McGonagall stole Mary away without a second glance; no she wouldn't give them the satisfaction of seeing her stand worriedly in the doorway as they left. Instead she stayed put in her overstuffed chair, gripping her book so tightly that her knuckles turned white. Her closest companions would be off saving lives, risking their own, and all she could do was pace like a worried housewife. It was times like those that she deeply resented the Order and everything they stood for. She wouldn't pace.
Instead of pacing she puttered around the house doing things; she cleaned.
Which was no surprise, really. She had been the cleanliest of them all during school. It was just different. Cleaning because Dory tracked in mud after a rainy day of Quidditch practice wasn't as heavy as cleaning while Dory and Mary were both risking their lives to thwart evil. Bit weighty, that. After she had cleaned more thoroughly than their flat had ever experienced, she sat at the kitchen table and drummed her fingers on its surface. Three hours she'd spent cleaning. She wondered what kind of mission it was to keep them so late. She refused to let herself think that maybe the mission was already over. That maybe it was the mission Mary wouldn't return from. That kind of thinking would drive her mad.
Instead she found something else to do to occupy her time.
There wasn't much on the telly at one in the morning, not that she ever watched it when things were on. After switching through channels for twenty minutes she was ready to throw the remote control at the thing. Reigning in her misplaced aggravation, Lily clicked it off and set the remote carefully on the coffee table. She sat on the couch in the semi-darkness for a long time, staring at her hands folded in her lap.
She wouldn't lie to herself. She was angry at being left behind. She knew what she did was important, but she still hated not being out there; facing danger. She hated not being able to fight beside her friends when diplomatic missions went wrong.
When she couldn't take being alone with her thoughts any longer, she gathered up her supplies and set out the cauldron on the kitchen counter. Making potions helped. She couldn't think of anything but the potion; couldn't focus on anything other than the precise slicing, dicing, or chopping of ingredients. She made two batches of dreamless sleep drought before she heard the front door creak open.
She knew it had to be Mary, she was the only other person who had a key to their flat, or who could get through the wards so quickly. She quickly cast a stasis charm over the cauldron, wiping her hands on a wash towel before tossing it in the sink and rushing to the living room. A thousand questions filtered through her head.
Is everyone alright?
Who all was there?
What happened?
Are you alright?
When she saw her roommate, her long time friend, all of those questions died on her lips.
"Oh, Mary," she whispered.
Her friend looked drawn, exhausted. Her face and clothes were speckled with drying blood. Her eyes were red around the rims, her lips a tight, thin line. She looked as though a slight breeze could pull her apart at the seams.
"I'll draw you a bath," Lily said, keeping her voice low, and hurried from the room to fill the tub.
She made the water as hot as it would go, she knew Mary preferred it that way, and poured in copious amounts of bubble bath. She flexed her fingers in a fist while she waited for the tub to fill completely. Worry was just about all she could process at that moment. Worry over what Mary had seen, been forced to do. Had she killed? Where had the blood come from? Lily chewed her thumbnail anxiously. She could hear movement behind her, and turned to see Mary standing in the bathroom door. She looked lost, and a bit frightened.
"Is it ready?" she asked, and Lily almost flinched at the hollow tone to her voice.
"Almost," she responded. "Just another second. Why don't you get undressed?"
Mary nodded slowly, and when she went to unbutton her trousers, Lily noticed her hands were shaking. She set her jaw, fighting the urge to reach out and draw her friend into a hug. The blond girl was slow to undress, and it took a moment for Lily to realize that it wasn't just her fingers shaking, it was her whole body. She shook as though merely standing took all of her effort, sapped all of her energy. Her trousers were kicked off to the side, along with her shirt, her panties, and her bra. Lily took a moment to look over her naked form for injuries. She could see bruises forming on her legs and arms, and a bloody scratch on her breast, but nothing that needed immediate care. Nothing like the gaping holes gouged into her psyche. She helped her into the bath, and sat on the floor at the edge of the tub while she soaked, clutching one of her hands tightly. Nudity meant nothing to Lily Evans; not after the things she'd seen, the wounds she'd healed.
Mary didn't question her presence, at any rate, so no way would anything get her to leave. A small part of her was afraid that if she let Mary out of her sight, the girl would crumble to pieces and she'd never be able to put her back together again.
"Do we have any headache potion?"
The question was surprising, and it took Lily a moment to realize that her friend had even spoken. "Yeah. I'll get you one while you dry off. You shouldn't stay in too long. You'll get pruney."
She saw Mary's lips quirk up in a smile, but it didn't reach her eyes. No, her eyes stayed frighteningly empty, frighteningly far away. After a moment Mary stood, her movement jerky and pained. Lily got her the headache potion while she rinsed the bubbles from her body and dried off, rubbing a thick, monogrammed towel across her skin with enough force to turn it bright pink. Lily watched her down the potion in a single swallow; didn't miss her wince at the bitter taste.
"Come on," Lily muttered, taking the empty bottle and setting it on the sink, ignoring it in favor of guiding Mary to their shared bedroom.
"Pajamas," she commanded, pointing Mary towards her dresser and then beginning to pull the covers loose on her own bed.
Mary pulled on a pair of flannel bottoms, and a tank top. Lily didn't give her a chance to escape, and lead her to her bed.
"Lily, this is your bed," the blond said, but didn't fight being pushed onto it and tucked in.
"My bed is bigger, and I'm not letting you out of my sight," Lily said, crawling in beside her.
Mary laid on her back, staring blankly up at the ceiling. Lily curled up on her side, watching her friend with concern. Neither of them spoke. Lily didn't because she was afraid she might say something that would make it worse, or offer up awkward words of comfort. Mary didn't because she was a thousand miles away, reliving every moment of the mission in vivid detail. They stayed like that for a long time, only the sounds of their joint breath breaking the otherwise overwhelming silence. When the horizon out the window began to brighten, Lily saw Mary shift a bit, her eyes fluttering closed. A shudder ran through her body, and Lily reached out to touch her bare shoulder in concern. She immediately regretted her action when Mary jumped violently, her eyes flying open, wide and panicked.
"Just me," Lily said quickly, laying her hand more firmly against Mary's skin. "It's alright. It's just me."
"I'm sorry," Mary said, and her voice broke. "It.. I'm so sorry."
"What happened, Maryanne?" Lily asked, propping herself up on her elbow, her eyebrows furrowed in concern.
Mary inhaled a deep, shaking breath, "It was a trap. We were... there were children, you see? We were supposed to go in and get them out, but they were already dead. Tortured, twisted, broken little corpses, left out behind the house like garbage to be picked up later. Dory was so angry, she stormed the house, but they were there. Bellatrix and Rabastan, and Rodolphus, and others I didn't recognize. They were waiting. They knew we'd go in after them."
"Is Dory alright?" Lily demanded, her hand tightening on Mary's shoulder. The blond hurried to nod.
"Fine, she's fine," she said. "She was too quick for them. None of our team was injured too badly. The Death Eaters, the ones I didn't recognize, they weren't so quick with their wands as we were with ours. They were just a distraction. Bellatrix and the Lestrange brothers, they took a few shots at us and then took off while their cronies distracted us."
Mary's breath hitched, a sound halfway between a sob and a moan working free of her. "But the children, Lily. Christ, the children. So young. They didn't do anything, Lily. They didn't deserve that end."
"Shh," Lily soothed, pulling Mary into her arms and rocking her as she finally broke down and sobbed. "It's going to be alright, Mary. You have to stay strong."
"It just hurts so much," Mary sobbed, and Lily stroked her hair, burying her face in the blond locks and letting her own tears fall silently.
"I know," Lily whispered. "I know it hurts, but... we have to keep fighting. We have to stay strong, and one day we'll win. One day we'll be victorious and all of this war and murder will be done."
Mary didn't answer, she just sobbed. Loud, hitching sobs that shook her entire body in the dim light of their room. She clung to Lily as though she were a lifeline, as if she would drown in the overwhelming sorrow, and regret, and what ifs of the world if she let go. Lily stroked her hair and rocked and muttered empty words of comfort to her, until her sobbing subsided and her breathing evened out in sleep. She slipped from the bed once to close the drapes and block out the sun, and when Mary began to moan and cry in her sleep from the nightmares that undoubtedly plagued her, Lily fetched her a Dreamless Sleep Potion from their stores.
Each time that she crawled back into the bed, Mary would immediately latch onto her in her sleep. It wasn't the first time that Lily thanked the heavens that they shared a flat. She could only imagine the horrors that Mary saw on her missions for the order, and she was grateful she could be there to help soothe the nightmares and the tears at the end of the day.
||||
The lines of my earth,
So brittle
And fertile,
And ready to die,
I need a drink,
But the well has gone dry.
||||
Characters: Lily Evans and Maryanne MacDonald
Warnings: Hurt/Comfort
Rated: PG13
Author's Notes: This story is an exploration of the friendship between Maryanne MacDonald and Lily Ann Evans. It takes place immediately after their graduation from Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, after they've both begun working for the Oder of the Phoenix, and have acclimated(notreally) to their roles in the Order. This fic deals with an emotionally fragile Mary, and a motherly and concerned Lily.
Brittle and Fertile and Ready to Die
||||
"Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again,
skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts."
||||
Lily couldn't stand being left behind.
She refused to move when the floo lit up and Professor McGonagall stole Mary away without a second glance; no she wouldn't give them the satisfaction of seeing her stand worriedly in the doorway as they left. Instead she stayed put in her overstuffed chair, gripping her book so tightly that her knuckles turned white. Her closest companions would be off saving lives, risking their own, and all she could do was pace like a worried housewife. It was times like those that she deeply resented the Order and everything they stood for. She wouldn't pace.
Instead of pacing she puttered around the house doing things; she cleaned.
Which was no surprise, really. She had been the cleanliest of them all during school. It was just different. Cleaning because Dory tracked in mud after a rainy day of Quidditch practice wasn't as heavy as cleaning while Dory and Mary were both risking their lives to thwart evil. Bit weighty, that. After she had cleaned more thoroughly than their flat had ever experienced, she sat at the kitchen table and drummed her fingers on its surface. Three hours she'd spent cleaning. She wondered what kind of mission it was to keep them so late. She refused to let herself think that maybe the mission was already over. That maybe it was the mission Mary wouldn't return from. That kind of thinking would drive her mad.
Instead she found something else to do to occupy her time.
There wasn't much on the telly at one in the morning, not that she ever watched it when things were on. After switching through channels for twenty minutes she was ready to throw the remote control at the thing. Reigning in her misplaced aggravation, Lily clicked it off and set the remote carefully on the coffee table. She sat on the couch in the semi-darkness for a long time, staring at her hands folded in her lap.
She wouldn't lie to herself. She was angry at being left behind. She knew what she did was important, but she still hated not being out there; facing danger. She hated not being able to fight beside her friends when diplomatic missions went wrong.
When she couldn't take being alone with her thoughts any longer, she gathered up her supplies and set out the cauldron on the kitchen counter. Making potions helped. She couldn't think of anything but the potion; couldn't focus on anything other than the precise slicing, dicing, or chopping of ingredients. She made two batches of dreamless sleep drought before she heard the front door creak open.
She knew it had to be Mary, she was the only other person who had a key to their flat, or who could get through the wards so quickly. She quickly cast a stasis charm over the cauldron, wiping her hands on a wash towel before tossing it in the sink and rushing to the living room. A thousand questions filtered through her head.
Is everyone alright?
Who all was there?
What happened?
Are you alright?
When she saw her roommate, her long time friend, all of those questions died on her lips.
"Oh, Mary," she whispered.
Her friend looked drawn, exhausted. Her face and clothes were speckled with drying blood. Her eyes were red around the rims, her lips a tight, thin line. She looked as though a slight breeze could pull her apart at the seams.
"I'll draw you a bath," Lily said, keeping her voice low, and hurried from the room to fill the tub.
She made the water as hot as it would go, she knew Mary preferred it that way, and poured in copious amounts of bubble bath. She flexed her fingers in a fist while she waited for the tub to fill completely. Worry was just about all she could process at that moment. Worry over what Mary had seen, been forced to do. Had she killed? Where had the blood come from? Lily chewed her thumbnail anxiously. She could hear movement behind her, and turned to see Mary standing in the bathroom door. She looked lost, and a bit frightened.
"Is it ready?" she asked, and Lily almost flinched at the hollow tone to her voice.
"Almost," she responded. "Just another second. Why don't you get undressed?"
Mary nodded slowly, and when she went to unbutton her trousers, Lily noticed her hands were shaking. She set her jaw, fighting the urge to reach out and draw her friend into a hug. The blond girl was slow to undress, and it took a moment for Lily to realize that it wasn't just her fingers shaking, it was her whole body. She shook as though merely standing took all of her effort, sapped all of her energy. Her trousers were kicked off to the side, along with her shirt, her panties, and her bra. Lily took a moment to look over her naked form for injuries. She could see bruises forming on her legs and arms, and a bloody scratch on her breast, but nothing that needed immediate care. Nothing like the gaping holes gouged into her psyche. She helped her into the bath, and sat on the floor at the edge of the tub while she soaked, clutching one of her hands tightly. Nudity meant nothing to Lily Evans; not after the things she'd seen, the wounds she'd healed.
Mary didn't question her presence, at any rate, so no way would anything get her to leave. A small part of her was afraid that if she let Mary out of her sight, the girl would crumble to pieces and she'd never be able to put her back together again.
"Do we have any headache potion?"
The question was surprising, and it took Lily a moment to realize that her friend had even spoken. "Yeah. I'll get you one while you dry off. You shouldn't stay in too long. You'll get pruney."
She saw Mary's lips quirk up in a smile, but it didn't reach her eyes. No, her eyes stayed frighteningly empty, frighteningly far away. After a moment Mary stood, her movement jerky and pained. Lily got her the headache potion while she rinsed the bubbles from her body and dried off, rubbing a thick, monogrammed towel across her skin with enough force to turn it bright pink. Lily watched her down the potion in a single swallow; didn't miss her wince at the bitter taste.
"Come on," Lily muttered, taking the empty bottle and setting it on the sink, ignoring it in favor of guiding Mary to their shared bedroom.
"Pajamas," she commanded, pointing Mary towards her dresser and then beginning to pull the covers loose on her own bed.
Mary pulled on a pair of flannel bottoms, and a tank top. Lily didn't give her a chance to escape, and lead her to her bed.
"Lily, this is your bed," the blond said, but didn't fight being pushed onto it and tucked in.
"My bed is bigger, and I'm not letting you out of my sight," Lily said, crawling in beside her.
Mary laid on her back, staring blankly up at the ceiling. Lily curled up on her side, watching her friend with concern. Neither of them spoke. Lily didn't because she was afraid she might say something that would make it worse, or offer up awkward words of comfort. Mary didn't because she was a thousand miles away, reliving every moment of the mission in vivid detail. They stayed like that for a long time, only the sounds of their joint breath breaking the otherwise overwhelming silence. When the horizon out the window began to brighten, Lily saw Mary shift a bit, her eyes fluttering closed. A shudder ran through her body, and Lily reached out to touch her bare shoulder in concern. She immediately regretted her action when Mary jumped violently, her eyes flying open, wide and panicked.
"Just me," Lily said quickly, laying her hand more firmly against Mary's skin. "It's alright. It's just me."
"I'm sorry," Mary said, and her voice broke. "It.. I'm so sorry."
"What happened, Maryanne?" Lily asked, propping herself up on her elbow, her eyebrows furrowed in concern.
Mary inhaled a deep, shaking breath, "It was a trap. We were... there were children, you see? We were supposed to go in and get them out, but they were already dead. Tortured, twisted, broken little corpses, left out behind the house like garbage to be picked up later. Dory was so angry, she stormed the house, but they were there. Bellatrix and Rabastan, and Rodolphus, and others I didn't recognize. They were waiting. They knew we'd go in after them."
"Is Dory alright?" Lily demanded, her hand tightening on Mary's shoulder. The blond hurried to nod.
"Fine, she's fine," she said. "She was too quick for them. None of our team was injured too badly. The Death Eaters, the ones I didn't recognize, they weren't so quick with their wands as we were with ours. They were just a distraction. Bellatrix and the Lestrange brothers, they took a few shots at us and then took off while their cronies distracted us."
Mary's breath hitched, a sound halfway between a sob and a moan working free of her. "But the children, Lily. Christ, the children. So young. They didn't do anything, Lily. They didn't deserve that end."
"Shh," Lily soothed, pulling Mary into her arms and rocking her as she finally broke down and sobbed. "It's going to be alright, Mary. You have to stay strong."
"It just hurts so much," Mary sobbed, and Lily stroked her hair, burying her face in the blond locks and letting her own tears fall silently.
"I know," Lily whispered. "I know it hurts, but... we have to keep fighting. We have to stay strong, and one day we'll win. One day we'll be victorious and all of this war and murder will be done."
Mary didn't answer, she just sobbed. Loud, hitching sobs that shook her entire body in the dim light of their room. She clung to Lily as though she were a lifeline, as if she would drown in the overwhelming sorrow, and regret, and what ifs of the world if she let go. Lily stroked her hair and rocked and muttered empty words of comfort to her, until her sobbing subsided and her breathing evened out in sleep. She slipped from the bed once to close the drapes and block out the sun, and when Mary began to moan and cry in her sleep from the nightmares that undoubtedly plagued her, Lily fetched her a Dreamless Sleep Potion from their stores.
Each time that she crawled back into the bed, Mary would immediately latch onto her in her sleep. It wasn't the first time that Lily thanked the heavens that they shared a flat. She could only imagine the horrors that Mary saw on her missions for the order, and she was grateful she could be there to help soothe the nightmares and the tears at the end of the day.
||||
The lines of my earth,
So brittle
And fertile,
And ready to die,
I need a drink,
But the well has gone dry.
||||