(no subject)
okay...so it's like this. i have had a set date of when i'm gonna turn myself in...but it's not til next week. i've been coming and saying it's my last night for two reasons. One: I don't plan on coming back and having "one last night". i always plan on staying in hemet and waiting it out. Two: I'm afraid if i say that it isn't my last night, that it actually would be. i could get rolled at anytime. when i do, i wanna be sure that there are no loose ends...
actually i don't really know why i'm putting it off... i could drive down there right now and turn myself in and it would probably be for the best...but i think i'm scared. not scared of jail. been there done that and it wasn't that bad at all really. i think what i'm most scared of is being gone. the first time i went to jail as soon as i got out i came straight back to where it all started...PQ. even though i had a house in riverside, i ditched it to be with my friends. i've moved out of my mom's place so many times so i could stay in the area where i'm most comfortable. you know what? i think maybe i have a fear of change. yeah...i have a change-o-phobia. i'm afraid that when i come back from being out jail, i'll still be the same but everything else will be different. even more afraid that i'll change and everything else will be the same. friends i had when i went in might not be around or will have moved on to something more. or something might happen and then i'll find out later that i'll never be able to see her again...or that there's someone else...GOD DAMN THE WHAT IF'S...my mind is always stuck in that mode and it hurts on so many different levels. argh, i'm kinda free association writing here. a lot of people call it venting and i would have to agree. blah...i'm done with this for now. til next time...
~yos
Ps. "We fall so we can learn to pick ourselves up." - Batman Begins (awesome movie by the way)
actually i don't really know why i'm putting it off... i could drive down there right now and turn myself in and it would probably be for the best...but i think i'm scared. not scared of jail. been there done that and it wasn't that bad at all really. i think what i'm most scared of is being gone. the first time i went to jail as soon as i got out i came straight back to where it all started...PQ. even though i had a house in riverside, i ditched it to be with my friends. i've moved out of my mom's place so many times so i could stay in the area where i'm most comfortable. you know what? i think maybe i have a fear of change. yeah...i have a change-o-phobia. i'm afraid that when i come back from being out jail, i'll still be the same but everything else will be different. even more afraid that i'll change and everything else will be the same. friends i had when i went in might not be around or will have moved on to something more. or something might happen and then i'll find out later that i'll never be able to see her again...or that there's someone else...GOD DAMN THE WHAT IF'S...my mind is always stuck in that mode and it hurts on so many different levels. argh, i'm kinda free association writing here. a lot of people call it venting and i would have to agree. blah...i'm done with this for now. til next time...
~yos
Ps. "We fall so we can learn to pick ourselves up." - Batman Begins (awesome movie by the way)