Lost in the dark and can't see the end
So...it has been one of the longest and most emotional weeks of my life. I waited to post this until I had them more in control and it wouldnt come out like incoherant babbling. So last Saturday night I had the brilliant idea to pull an all nighter because I was supposed to work 8 am to 2 pm sunday. Now I am normally a night owl and will be awake until 4 or 5 am, so this sounded like a pretty good idea. And it was, or so i thought. I go downstairs after a night of reading greys fanfiction(i know dont judge me) to shower before work. I go to get in the shower and somehow my body wash and shampoo are mysteriously missing(my bro gave my nephew a bath the night before and moved everything from the shower so the kid couldnt get it) so after 15 mins of searching i finnally find them, no big deal. So when i get out of the shower and cant find my wallet, cell phone, or keys i think the day cant get much worse. I somehow get to work 30 min early and see that i am in eletronics(which means and easy day most of the time) and i think things are looking up. Until 2 and a half hours into my shift. My manager calls me on our walkies and says will you meet me in the middle of the isle way and so i do. He comes up and looks at me and i just KNOW. He tells me there is something wrong at home and it was an absolute emergency and i needed to go home right away...now as morbid as this seems i have been waiting for this call for a while now. So i go home and what do i see but 2 ambulances and 4 cop cars outside my house. I park and my aunt(who is more like a grandmother to me she is like 22 years older than my parents) tells me my mom passed away. Now lemme go into a little back story here about my mom
My mom was 37 years old when she had a massive stroke affecting the right side of her brain, causeing complete paralaisis of her left arm, leg and left portion of her face and torso muscles. Not only did the stroke affect her physically but she also regressed to the mental capasity of a preteen. At the time I was 12 years old. Even though i was a complete daddys girl it is devistating to find out that you no longer have a mother to guide you through puberty and the like. So after 7 to 9 months in intensive rehab the doctors said she wasnt going to get any better and sent her home. When she came home my father and myself became primary care givers to her. That was ten years ago. Through all the years she was actually pretty healthy all things considered, even though she took like 8 different meds throughout the day, everyday. Up until about 3 months ago. She just stopped eating, got lethargic and started vomiting all the time. We took her to the hospital and found out she had to get her galbladder removed. She had the surgery and everything was ok for a while until she started vomiting again. We took her to the hospital again and after 2 weeks of constant testing they sent her home again and said that she was doing it to herself. About a week later we reallized she could no longer control her right arm the way she did before all the last 2 months happened. I thought she had another stroke but none of the doctors or visiting nurses thought that i was right. Then 2 days before she passed she sounded almost like she had pnemoinia. Then she passed in her sleep and i cant be more thankful that she was atleast peacefull when she died.
So back to my story. I drive up to my house and find out that my mom had died. I am running on zero sleep and find out that the one person my life has pretty much revolved around is gone, i go into the house and hug my dad and comfort him, then seek out my older brother. Now i know that men have a different way of cooping, i get that, but he was just sitting there watching sports center like it was any other fucking day. We talked for a few mins and then he left to go be with his son(cant say that i blame him that kid is the cutest kid i have ever seen and can brighten any day) Then i realized that i was alone, that i had no direction left in my life and i had a major panic attack. After i got myself under control i went back downstairs and had the unfortunate privilege to see the coraner take my mothers body away, the last thing i ever wanted to see. It still shakes me to the core and i will never be able to get that image outta my head. Then i spent the rest of the day at my house in my happy place(the couch watching greys anatomy, go figure right why would an medical drama make me happy? but it does). So tomorrow is the service and all the jazz will be over. It will also mark a turning point in my life..where do i go from here? I am a 22 year old with no money or training to speak of really, all my past class mates are graduating college and where am i? Living at home with a highschool degree and almost no way of getting other education. It is a whole new world, one in which i have to think of myself and whats best for me, not my mother. I dont think im ready for this, but then again i dont ever think i will be.
My mom was 37 years old when she had a massive stroke affecting the right side of her brain, causeing complete paralaisis of her left arm, leg and left portion of her face and torso muscles. Not only did the stroke affect her physically but she also regressed to the mental capasity of a preteen. At the time I was 12 years old. Even though i was a complete daddys girl it is devistating to find out that you no longer have a mother to guide you through puberty and the like. So after 7 to 9 months in intensive rehab the doctors said she wasnt going to get any better and sent her home. When she came home my father and myself became primary care givers to her. That was ten years ago. Through all the years she was actually pretty healthy all things considered, even though she took like 8 different meds throughout the day, everyday. Up until about 3 months ago. She just stopped eating, got lethargic and started vomiting all the time. We took her to the hospital and found out she had to get her galbladder removed. She had the surgery and everything was ok for a while until she started vomiting again. We took her to the hospital again and after 2 weeks of constant testing they sent her home again and said that she was doing it to herself. About a week later we reallized she could no longer control her right arm the way she did before all the last 2 months happened. I thought she had another stroke but none of the doctors or visiting nurses thought that i was right. Then 2 days before she passed she sounded almost like she had pnemoinia. Then she passed in her sleep and i cant be more thankful that she was atleast peacefull when she died.
So back to my story. I drive up to my house and find out that my mom had died. I am running on zero sleep and find out that the one person my life has pretty much revolved around is gone, i go into the house and hug my dad and comfort him, then seek out my older brother. Now i know that men have a different way of cooping, i get that, but he was just sitting there watching sports center like it was any other fucking day. We talked for a few mins and then he left to go be with his son(cant say that i blame him that kid is the cutest kid i have ever seen and can brighten any day) Then i realized that i was alone, that i had no direction left in my life and i had a major panic attack. After i got myself under control i went back downstairs and had the unfortunate privilege to see the coraner take my mothers body away, the last thing i ever wanted to see. It still shakes me to the core and i will never be able to get that image outta my head. Then i spent the rest of the day at my house in my happy place(the couch watching greys anatomy, go figure right why would an medical drama make me happy? but it does). So tomorrow is the service and all the jazz will be over. It will also mark a turning point in my life..where do i go from here? I am a 22 year old with no money or training to speak of really, all my past class mates are graduating college and where am i? Living at home with a highschool degree and almost no way of getting other education. It is a whole new world, one in which i have to think of myself and whats best for me, not my mother. I dont think im ready for this, but then again i dont ever think i will be.