a slight immobility inside the skull
I have a few confessions to make. To myself and to others.
I haven't been completely honest with you recently. I've led you to believe that I was in check, in control, a-ok. When in fact, I haven't been.
Carla pointed out that she thinks I've sort of been having these episodes of mania and depression. Not that she thinks I'm manic-depressive because my outburts are different (I think) from traditional manic-depressive disorder. She says my extreme escapism isn't normal.
In my depressive stage I isolate myself completely, or at least from some people. The worse it gets, the more people I isolate myself from and the more intense it is. I tend to be impulsive and easily angered at this time, too. Sleeping and eating both diminish significantly.
The mania makes me do things that are actually quite normal, but completely the opposite of the depression. I tend to go above and beyond normal expectations, being particularly helpful, as if to make up for what I've done, but won't admit to having had done. I'll also go about my life as if nothing was ever wrong.
There are some other things I don't care to mention. This is all my mommy's assesment, and while I don't think it's 100% accurate, I don't think it's 100% inaccurate either. In hindsight, I can see this pattern in my behavior last year, too.
I've kind of been telling myself that because this is different than last year and because I've been able to hide it, whereas last time I couldn't even if I tried, that I'm still ok. (Because I genuinely was for a while.)
Having nowhere to run to, doesn't stop me from hiding. I've perfected it as an art. I know everything I don't say is written across my face, mirrored in the depths of my eyes, but still, I keep quiet and hope and pretend that it's my little secret and no one else knows.
Nothing is more devastating than to give everything you have; all that's inside you and still fail.
I'm not really untrusting, just protective.
But I don't want to be so alone inside myself. And I want to feel that I can allow myself to let someone else be something I can run to.
I don't want to hide from you anymore, but I can't promise that I won't revert to my old tried and true ways.
*sigh*
You probably won't notice the difference in me.
I haven't been completely honest with you recently. I've led you to believe that I was in check, in control, a-ok. When in fact, I haven't been.
Carla pointed out that she thinks I've sort of been having these episodes of mania and depression. Not that she thinks I'm manic-depressive because my outburts are different (I think) from traditional manic-depressive disorder. She says my extreme escapism isn't normal.
In my depressive stage I isolate myself completely, or at least from some people. The worse it gets, the more people I isolate myself from and the more intense it is. I tend to be impulsive and easily angered at this time, too. Sleeping and eating both diminish significantly.
The mania makes me do things that are actually quite normal, but completely the opposite of the depression. I tend to go above and beyond normal expectations, being particularly helpful, as if to make up for what I've done, but won't admit to having had done. I'll also go about my life as if nothing was ever wrong.
There are some other things I don't care to mention. This is all my mommy's assesment, and while I don't think it's 100% accurate, I don't think it's 100% inaccurate either. In hindsight, I can see this pattern in my behavior last year, too.
I've kind of been telling myself that because this is different than last year and because I've been able to hide it, whereas last time I couldn't even if I tried, that I'm still ok. (Because I genuinely was for a while.)
Having nowhere to run to, doesn't stop me from hiding. I've perfected it as an art. I know everything I don't say is written across my face, mirrored in the depths of my eyes, but still, I keep quiet and hope and pretend that it's my little secret and no one else knows.
Nothing is more devastating than to give everything you have; all that's inside you and still fail.
I'm not really untrusting, just protective.
But I don't want to be so alone inside myself. And I want to feel that I can allow myself to let someone else be something I can run to.
I don't want to hide from you anymore, but I can't promise that I won't revert to my old tried and true ways.
*sigh*
You probably won't notice the difference in me.