Tears of Mourning Sink Beneath the Sun [Part 2 of 2]

[panbutnotpeter]

Back to Part 1



~~~~~

Kurt wonders if it’s strange that he keeps finding himself caught up in big musical numbers with his boss. It just happens naturally, at least twice a week - but this time is the most outrageous by far.

It started when Isabelle and Kurt - just five minutes before everyone else in the office went home for the day - stumbled upon a sort of mutual epiphany about a whole new angle for an article on sheer fabrics. Kurt offered to stay late to help Isabelle print off new sample looks and compile them in presentation folders for tomorrow’s staff meeting. While they were standing together in the copy room an hour later, waiting for the printer to spit out fifteen copies of every new sample look they found, Isabelle mentioned an upcoming dinner date with a handsome man - an old high school friend from Columbus. Kurt immediately offered to help style her for the occasion, suggesting that for her hair they should go with more relaxed, sexy, tousled curls a la Madonna circa 1998, like she had in her Ray of Light music video…

And that’s how they naturally got to this point - dancing wildly around the cramped copy room, alternating between running their hands over their bodies and waving their arms in the air, all while belting out Ray of Light at the top of their lungs.

“Quicker than a ray of light then gone, for someone else will be there through the endless years-ohhh-ohhh-ohhhhh-ohhhhhh-” Kurt sings, dragging out the ‘oh’s and almost moaning them, losing himself completely.

“She's got herself a universe, she's got herself a universe, she's got herself a universe,” Isabelle sings, high and lovely, but with an edge in her voice that Kurt hasn’t heard until now.

He grins at her then shuts his eyes, rubs his hands across his thighs and sways as he continues, “And I feel, and I feel, and I feel like I just got-”

Kurt cuts off his singing abruptly when he steps back and collides into something. He spins around and finds himself face-to-face with Chase. It takes a lot of effort to not sputter, but he successfully holds his tongue. He can’t do anything to hold back his blush, however.

“Caught?” Chase cheekily suggests as the final word of Kurt’s incomplete line of lyrics.

“Very cute, Chase,” Isabelle huffs, straightening her blouse and composing herself. “I thought you left already.”

“I did, but when I got home I realized I left my keys on my desk and had to come back. Do you two always break into song when you’re alone?” Kurt and Isabelle both give him a look that makes him laugh and say, “Your secret is safe with me, I swear. If I did say anything, I would just say that you two sounded fantastic, and looked even better.” For a moment his eyes drift over Kurt’s thighs, tracing the path Kurt’s hands had been making. Then his gaze snaps to Isabelle’s face. “But I won’t say that. Or anything else. My lips are sealed.”

“Thank you,” Isabelle sighs.

“So, boss,” Chase says, smirking playfully at her. “Now that you have two of your loyal subjects present instead of just one, are you going to invoke your power to retire for the evening and leave us to finish the grunt work?”

Isabelle is a smart woman, and she’s been around quite a bit - as Kurt well knows from their many private discussions that probably all crossed the line of professionalism. She blinks at Chase, appraises him, then looks at Kurt, who has been silent and blushing ever since Chase made his presence known. Kurt knows from the look on her face that she’s picked up on the subtext in Chase’s joke, and Kurt can tell that she’s making assumptions about his intentions. Honestly, Kurt is beginning to wonder about Chase’s intentions too.

“Well, you’re obviously offering to take my place,” she says slowly, calling him out. “But I won’t leave unless Kurt would rather have your help binding these pages for tomorrow.”

“Um,” Kurt supplies eloquently. “I don’t really know enough about Chase’s binding skills to make that call…”

Isabelle nods, understanding what he’s really saying. Kurt thinks Chase is great, but he doesn’t know him very well yet, and he’s not sure he wants to be left alone in the building with him at night. It would be nice to get to know him a little better, though, he thinks.

“How about this,” Isabelle says, directing a piercing stare at Chase. “I’ll be in my office, composing a few emails I didn’t get a chance to do earlier. You two finish up in here.” She pointedly shifts her gaze to Kurt and enunciates clearly, “I’ll be right down the hall if you need anything.”

“Yeah, sounds good,” Kurt mutters, smiling at her gratefully.

“Will do, boss,” Chase declares, grinning at her as she walks past him on her way out. Once she’s gone, he turns the full beam of his broad, white smile on Kurt. “I meant what I said about you two sounding fantastic.”

“Of course you did, we’re fabulous together,” Kurt replies airily, turning away from him to scoop up the finished pages out of the printer tray.

When Chase speaks again, his voice is lower and quietly emphatic. “To be more specific: Isabelle was good, and you were… breathtaking.”

A small shiver runs through Kurt’s body. He ignores it and spins back around to look at Chase, keeping his face guardedly neutral.

“You’re breaking a rule right now, you know,” he informs Chase.

Chase’s smile dims slightly, as though he’s disconcerted about being unable to read Kurt’s masked mood. “Am I?” he asks carefully.

Kurt nods solemnly. “If you’re here after hours, you have to sing. It’s a rule.”

Instantly, Chase’s smile is at full blast again. “Is that so?”

“It is,” Kurt insists, allowing himself to smile back.

Chase doesn’t miss a beat, immediately launching into a song.

Kurt’s eyebrows shoot up as high as they’ll go and his jaw slackens a bit as Chase sings, “What would you think if I sang out of tune, would you stand up and walk out on me? Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song, and I’ll try not to sing out of key.”

His voice is clear and gorgeous and perfectly pitched.

“Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends,” Kurt finds himself singing along without a thought, bright and beaming. Then he interrupts their unexpected duet by blurting out, “Why the hell aren’t you on Broadway with a voice like that?”

Chase shrugs. “I could ask you the same question.”

“Someday I plan to be,” Kurt tells him, unsure why he feels compelled to share something as personal as his delayed Broadway dream. “NYADA just… wasn’t ready for my particular brand of boldness.”

“Their loss,” Chase says. It’s clear he means it.

Between the compliment and the intensity of Chase’s stare, Kurt begins to lose hope that his flushed cheeks will cool down any time soon. He walks past Chase to a small table and clears a space by pushing aside a hole-punch and a stapler. Working in unison, they silently begin to organize the printed materials into fifteen identical stacks.

“So, you like the Beatles then?” Kurt asks after awhile, unable to get Chase’s singing out of his head.

“Some of their songs. You?”

Kurt thinks of his mother and his father singing duets in the car, of his father in the hospital, of a sweet little songbird. “Their music shaped a lot of important moments in my life. They mean a lot to me.”

Chase looks at him sideways and bumps their shoulders together companionably. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but aren’t you a little young to be a diehard fan of theirs?”

“Oh, please,” Kurt scoffs. “I’m not that much younger than you. And I happen to have exquisite taste in music that spans many genres and decades.”

“I guess that explains your interest in Madonna songs.”

“It’s true, she’s amazing in any era,” Kurt says wisely, bumping Chase’s shoulder in return. “It was nice of you to offer to help with this. You really didn’t have to.”

“Well, I didn’t have anything else going on tonight. And I had a lot of fun the last time I got to hang out with you. You’re endlessly fascinating, Kurt Hummel - even when we’re just standing around sorting copies.”

Chase’s fingers brush against Kurt’s wrist when he reaches across to pick up a copy of a sheer dress photograph. The thrill of the contact runs up Kurt’s whole arm like an electric current. Kurt’s pretty certain Chase did it deliberately.

“Can I ask you something?” Kurt begins tentatively. The question threatens to bring up memories of Blaine, so Kurt rushes on, “Why have you gone out of your way to be so nice to me? It’s not a secret ploy to get dirt on me and get me fired, is it?”

“Absolutely not,” Chase laughs. “That said, you’re smart to be suspicious. This is a cutthroat industry. You should always question the motives of every person you meet. But I’m pretty sure you already know what mine are.”

Kurt stops shuffling through copies and turns to stare at Chase. “Do I?”

“You do if you’ve been paying attention,” Chase responds, mirroring Kurt by dropping the sheets he’s holding and turning to look directly at him. “And I know you have been. You’re sharp. And you’re a lot less naïve than people assume when they first get a look at that angelic face.”

Chase is completely right, of course. Kurt isn’t dull-witted or innocent. He’s felt vibes of possible interest from Chase right from the start - but he ignored it for as long as he could, because they’re coworkers and he’s unavailable, and that is nothing but a recipe for awkward tension around the office. Not to mention how steadfast Kurt is in his effort to never make assumptions about people’s feelings for him. He learned that lesson the hard way in the early days of his friendship with Blaine.

Now that Chase has acknowledged the attraction, Kurt needs to address it. He just isn’t exactly sure how to do that.

“Chase, you know I’m dealing with relationship issues right now,” Kurt says slowly.

“Yes, I do. And the last thing I wanna do is pressure you. If it works out for you and Cutest Guy, then I’ll back off, and be happy for you, and just be your friend. But if it doesn’t work out - well, you can’t blame me for wanting to submit myself for consideration… for that point in the future when you might be ready to give someone else a shot.”

Kurt looks at Chase sharply, deliberating.

“So… if I ran off and got married tomorrow and told you there was no chance of us ever having sex, you’d still want to be my friend and help me do boring work projects?”

“Yes,” Chase replies seriously, reaching out to touch the hand Kurt has resting on the table. “I would definitely still be your friend.”

There’s no way for Kurt to be certain that’s the truth, but it makes him relax a little anyway. He pulls his hand away, rests both hands on his hips.

“Good answer,” he says, tilting up his chin a little, feeling slightly more in control of the situation now. “Sadly, however, I simply cannot be your friend if you keep breaking the after hours singing rule.”

“Not into bad boys, huh?”

“Nope. So don’t think you can get away with only singing one verse of a song just because the song choice was perfect.”

Chase snorts and bites his lip, like Kurt is the cutest thing he’s ever seen. “Alright. What do you want me to sing?”

“Sing me something you think I’ve never heard before,” Kurt dares him, raising a goading eyebrow. “Impress me.”

“Ah, but my dancing is much more impressive than my singing,” Chase says. He holds out a hand to Kurt in invitation. “Care to assist me in dazzling you?”

Kurt laughs, the sound breathier and higher than it should be. “I said ‘impress me’ not ‘embarrass me with your ill-timed attempt at romance’,” he sasses.

“Hey, friends dance together all the time,” Chase retorts lightly. “Just a little spin around the copy room without any touching below the waist - what could be friendlier than that?”

Chase gives Kurt that charming smirk - the one he gave Kurt last week, when he challenged Kurt to help him choose an outfit. Unsurprisingly, the effect it has on Kurt is exactly the same now as it was then. It flips a switch inside him. He feels powerful and playful and open to a new experience. He feels like nothing Chase does right now could possibly fluster him or catch him off guard.

Then Chase waggles his eyebrows teasingly, and that does it. Kurt’s up for the game Chase wants to play.

Just like before, Kurt makes a point of rolling his eyes dramatically.

“You’re ridiculous. Luckily for you, I’m accustomed to associating with ridiculous people.” He steps into the center of the room, holding his arms up in a rigid dance frame with practiced ease. “Ready when you are, Madison. Let’s see what you’ve got.”

Kurt isn’t sure what to expect regarding how Chase might approach the challenge. Maybe Chase will swing dance him to a hip hop number, or ludicrously tango him to an Italian aria. What he certainly doesn’t expect is for Chase to respect the classical waltz stance Kurt is holding himself in - but that’s exactly what happens.

Chase approaches Kurt slowly and leaves an appropriate amount of space between them. He stands still for a beat, just watching Kurt with care, like he’s trying to determine Kurt’s reaction to their proximity. When Kurt initiates contact by resting a hand on Chase’s upper arm, Chase smiles. It’s a different kind of smile than Kurt’s seen on him before, though - warm and understated and openly affectionate.

“Oh, you've got green eyes. Oh, you've got blue eyes. Oh, you've got grey eyes,” Chase begins to sing, as one hand comes to rest on Kurt’s lower back, the other rising to grip Kurt’s raised hand, gently guiding him into a sensual waltz. “Oh, you've got green eyes. Oh, you've got blue eyes. Oh, you've got grey eyes,” he repeats, more emphatic this time, his voice certain and wondrous as it slowly shifts through the melody. Just as certain and wondrous as his firm hold on Kurt’s body as they shift through the steps. “And I've never seen anyone quite like you before. No, I've never met anyone quite like you before.”

“Is this a real song or are you just making this up as you go along?” Kurt asks breathlessly as Chase sweeps him past the enormous shredding machine. “That would be cheating, you know.”

Perhaps Kurt was wrong about his immunity to becoming flustered at this point. He’s losing the game badly. But maybe that’s okay, because he’s beginning to think Chase isn’t playing a game after all.

Chase doesn’t answer him, doesn’t stop. He just pulls Kurt in a little closer and keeps singing, “Heaven, a gateway, a hope just like a feeling I need, it's no joke. And though it hurts me to see you this way, betrayed by words I'd never heard, too hard to say.” He looks at Kurt a little sadly, but then he’s smiling and carrying on. “Up, down.” His hand strokes a gentle path up and down Kurt’s spine. “Turn around.” He spins Kurt out before reeling him back in a little closer. “Please don't let me hit the ground.” He suddenly dips Kurt low, easily supporting his weight just a couple feet off the ground, and he grins a little more broadly when he hears the way it makes Kurt gasp. “Tonight I think I'll walk alone. I'll find my soul as I go home...”

The song continues, but Kurt begins to lose the thread of the lyrics. Chase’s voice is sweeping through him, warm breath is gusting over his face, and everything is just so close and so soon and so heady with confusing emotion. The lyrics about eye color eventually repeat again, and Kurt’s breath hitches audibly, because Chase is staring so intently into Kurt’s eyes as he sings about them, like he really is marveling at the mysteriousness of their pigmentation.

“Bolts from above hurt the people down below. People in this world, we have no place to go. Oh, it's the last time. Oh, I've never met anyone quite like you before. Oh no, I've never met anyone quite like you before,” Chase concludes, spinning Kurt away from him once again and then pulling him back, closer than ever, pressing their chests together.

This is a moment, Kurt thinks. The way they breathe together and look at each other, so close, with all of Chase’s feelings and intentions laid bare in the most stunningly beautiful way.

“That was… definitely a song I’d never heard before.” Kurt murmurs, making no move to pull away. He’s reeling. “What song was it?”

“Temptation,” Chase breathes out softly.

“Huh?” Kurt asks, his stomach swooping just a little bit.

“That’s the name of the song.”

“Oh. Right.” How fitting, Kurt just barely stops himself from saying. He blinks a few times, tries to clear his head. Finally, he summons the will to drop his arms and step out of Chase’s hold. “We should, um… we should finish this work so you can head out. Find your soul on your way home, or… whatever the words were.”

“Right, of course,” Chase says. He doesn’t look disappointed or discouraged. He seems calm and accepting, like he’s done what he set out to do and is happy to leave the next move up to Kurt, even if the next move never comes.

They spend the next twenty minutes getting all of the materials bound in their presentation folders. When they’re finished, Kurt stacks the folders and gathers them up in his arms.

“I’ll go drop these off with Isabelle. Thanks again. For lending your binding expertise.”

“Any time. And thank you. For the dance and the good company.”

If Kurt were flirting, he would come back with an ‘Any time’ in return. But he isn’t flirting. He isn’t, he tells himself sternly. They’re friends. And, sure, Kurt’s gotten caught up in the moment with Chase a few times now, but the last thing he wants to do is get in over his head with another guy. So it would be wrong of Kurt to say anything that might encourage Chase to advance his pursuit, Kurt reminds himself. Especially since Blaine is still waiting for Kurt’s answer about the fate of their relationship…

“Goodnight, Chase,” is all Kurt says, offering him a small, polite smile before walking away.

~~~~~

Later that night Kurt touches himself, slow and tentative, just ghosting his fingers over the front of his underwear to begin with.

He’s very careful not to picture any faces. He only imagines hot breath against his face, a steady hand pressing into his lower back, guiding him, and a low voice singing sweetly about how special he is. After being deprived for so long, that’s all it takes. He grinds his hand down, thrusts up into it a few times, and comes hard, turning his head to bite into his pillow.

Afterward, he tries not to think about what it means. He only lets himself focus on the little lingering sparks of pleasure, the heaviness of his limbs, and the immense feeling of relief. Brimming with a bone-deep satisfaction and that overwhelms any trace of guilt, he quickly drifts off to sleep.

He dreams about trying on studded leather belts in a shop on Madison Avenue. Kurt knows he’s lying to himself the next morning when he pretends not to know the meaning of the dream.

~~~~~

“I notice you’re taking longer showers again. And your skin’s healthy glow has returned,” Rachel comments innocently, grabbing another handful of popcorn out of the bowl in Kurt’s lap. “Groove back?”

Kurt almost chokes on his bite of popcorn. He swallows with some difficulty and clears his throat. “Not… completely. It’s not really the same as it was before. But at least it’s, um… better than it was earlier this week. Much better.”

“Excellent,” she says approvingly, nodding.

“Now that my sad little dry spell is over, it’s probably best if we never discuss our masturbatory habits ever again.”

She smirks at him unabashedly. “Noted.”

They’re cuddled up under a blanket on the couch, marathoning spectacularly terrible reality television. It’s Saturday - the day Blaine was originally scheduled to arrive in town, before he cheated and felt ashamed and bumped up his trip. Rachel has taken it upon herself to spend the entire day making sure Kurt doesn’t think about it.

Really, though, it’s the only thing on his mind. He feels confused, adrift - but, at the same time, he feels like the walls are closing in on him. It’s like a pressure building, bearing down on him, telling him it’s time to act.

“Rachel,” he says, rolling his head against the back of the couch, turning it to look at her directly instead of half-watching the television. “What you said about your thought process back when you were first getting to know Brody… how he made you realize there are possibilities besides Finn… and how he wasn’t the reason you broke up with Finn, because your relationship was practically over already, but he helped you feel like you might be able to move on…”

Rachel looks at him quizzically, waiting for him to continue. When he doesn’t, she prompts him. “Yes, what about it?”

He chews on his lip for a minute, considering. “I think… I know exactly what you were talking about. That feeling.”

Her mouth drops open and she jolts in her seat, lunging to grab at his arm and nearly sending the popcorn flying. “Oh my god,” she gasps. “Who is he?”

“A guy at work. His name’s Chase, and he’s… well, he kind of has a lot of the qualities I saw in Blaine the day I met him and fell for him. Amazing smile, gorgeous voice, nice grooming, poise, charm-”

“Wow,” Rachel laughs. “You’re a little bit smitten, aren’t you?”

“No,” Kurt denies. “I’m just… charmed. He’s charming.”

“So you said,” Rachel trills.

Kurt narrows his eyes. She’s enjoying this development far too much for his liking. But, admittedly, no more than Kurt had enjoyed meeting Brody the night he showed up at their apartment unannounced.

“Go on,” Rachel demands, prodding her bony little fingers into the tender crook of his elbow and poking her tongue out between her teeth.

“Well. He’s a bit older than us, which I don’t really mind, and he’s obviously more experienced, and maybe a little too slick for his own good sometimes, but… he’s been really sweet to me.”

“And he’s interested? Did he say he was?”

“Yes, but I’m… there’s no way I’m going to… act on anything. With him or anyone else. Not while I’m still so wrapped up in my feelings for Blaine. But it’s… nice - like you said. Just knowing that a decent guy wants me, and could possibly be good for me. It’s like… for the first time since all of this happened, I can picture a mystery non-Blaine man in my future without wanting to curl up and die. So that’s something.”

She tilts her head and frowns a little. “You sound like you’ve reached the point I was at right before I went to Lima.”

He has. He knows that now. It’s time.

She rubs over his arm where she’d been poking it before and offers gently, “If you want to call Blaine, I can give you some space… take the rest of this popcorn down to the park for awhile-”

“No, you can stay. You’re going to hear all about it later anyway. No need to subject yourself to the neighborhood crazies.”

“Alright. I’ll just be in my room, then.” She presses a kiss to his forehead before wriggling out from under the blanket. “Good luck.”

~~~~~

It takes Kurt awhile to work up the nerve to call Blaine. Rachel has left him alone in the living room with his turbulent thoughts, and being alone with his thoughts hasn’t worked out very well for him recently.

He struggles with what to say to Blaine. He’s had two weeks to plan out what he should say, and he still has no idea. How is that possible?

After rolling his cell phone between his palms at least a hundred times, he decides to just go for it, and hopes that the right words come to him when Blaine is on the line.

“Kurt. Hi,” Blaine answers on the third ring, sounding out of breath. “I was beginning to think I might never hear from you again.”

“Can you talk now, or are you-?”

“I can talk. I wasn’t doing anything, really. Just had to run across the house when my phone started ringing, because I left it downstairs and I was up in my room reading some comics Sam loaned me,” Blaine rambles nervously.

“Oh. That was nice of Sam.”

Kurt tries not to think about how Sam hasn’t called him since he moved to New York. They used to talk all the time, living in the same house, and now they don’t talk at all. Blaine, on the other hand, could barely tolerate Sam when they first met, yet now they’re running the student counsel together, sharing comics with each other, and Sam will probably be taking Blaine’s side in this mess and commiserating with him and - no, Kurt tells himself, he can’t dwell on that. He can’t get territorial about his Ohio friends. He can’t get upset about how much they’re probably sympathizing with Blaine, just because he’s the one who’s there, right in front of them, in pain every day.

“It’s so good to hear your voice again. I’ve missed it. I’ve missed everything about you.”

“I miss you, too,” Kurt admits, because he really does. It’s been awful, feeling so conflicted over it, longing to be near Blaine while knowing it would hurt to look at him. Even now, just hearing his voice is almost too much for Kurt.

“There are no words for how sorry I am,” Blaine says, sounding more agonized than Kurt has ever heard him. “I am so, so sor-”

“I didn’t call to hear you apologize some more,” Kurt cuts him off. “It won’t help. I understand that you regret what you did. Message received. It just doesn’t change anything.”

“I get that. I do. I just… don’t know what else to say. I need to fix this. Please tell me how to fix this.”

“I don’t know, Blaine. I don’t think you can. I don’t think either of us can while we’re still so far apart.”

“But I have to. I’ll do anything, whatever you need me to do, just tell me and I’ll do it.”

“I’m not going to make any demands,” Kurt says, his voice becoming more strained by the second. “I know that you sort of have a hero complex - I’ve known that since the day we met, and it’s part of what made me fall in love with you - but you can’t… we’re not in a Greek myth, okay, I’m not going to list a series of trials for you to overcome in order to… win me back, or-”

“That’s not - Kurt, you know I didn’t mean it like that. This isn’t a game to me.”

“Well, it certainly isn’t real life to you, either,” Kurt snaps, his emotions wildly vacillating between grief and frustration. “You don’t see this as the reality in which I suddenly have an overwhelming amount of work and responsibilities, and a crowd of ruthless coworkers breathing down my neck just waiting for me to screw this up, because most of them think I got too far too fast without really proving my qualifications, and at least half of them want to see me replaced with one of the thousands of other people who would kill for this opportunity. I can’t always answer personal calls when I want to, and I can’t always mess around on Skype when I finally get home at night and my roommate is just on the other side of a hanging sheet, and I just…” He sighs, feeling drained all of a sudden. He didn’t mean to allow himself to get so heated about it. “Look, we knew this would be hard, Blaine,” he says, as calmly as he can. “I assumed this is the kind of stuff you were promising to faithfully cope with when you sent me on my way.”

“That is what I was promising. But I never expected it to be so…” Blaine struggles for words and Kurt lets him gather his thoughts. Eventually, he continues, “When I did what I did, I was in a really dark place - worse than I ever thought I could be - and I wasn’t prepared for it, because I didn’t… when we made those promises, I didn’t realize that you would suddenly become a grownup and I would still be a kid. I’m a world away from you now, Kurt. I’m focusing on trivial crap like Glee Club drama and lunchroom politics, while you’re off meeting really important people and doing really big things, and it made me start to feel like… like maybe a year from now you’d be a whole new adult person, and I’d never be able to catch up to you or fit in with your new life or… I don’t know. I just freaked out. And I messed up. I regret it more than anything I’ve ever done in my whole life.”

Kurt listens attentively, tries to absorb it, tries desperately to understand. In his head he hears the audio of that video Tina sent him, hears Blaine crying out the words to Criminal. It makes him ache, because none of Blaine’s words are fixing anything, no matter how much he’d like them to.

“Was that the ‘good defense’ you were singing about needing?” Kurt asks as a sick, sour feeling begins to settle in his stomach.

“No,” Blaine says tremulously. “I know there’s no defense. I just wanted to try to explain, but I’m not saying there’s an excuse. And I shouldn’t have… that night in the park, I shouldn’t have made it sound like I thought it was your fault as much as mine. It was about me and my issues. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were… making me feel like you weren’t very interested in my life anymore, but you didn’t mean to do that, and I should’ve just been open with you about it. With hindsight, that’s obviously what I should’ve done. If I could go back and-”

“No hypotheticals, Blaine,” Kurt reminds him.

“You’re right, sorry. Wishing won’t change things.”

“No, it won’t.”

They fall silent for a minute, and it’s torturous. Kurt listens the harsh sound of Blaine’s breathing, and suspects Blaine is trying to keep himself from crying. That makes two of them.

“I need you to know…” Blaine starts again haltingly. “I didn’t do what I did because I stopped loving you for even a second, or stopped thinking you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. So please don’t… don’t think that I thought that.”

“Okay,” Kurt breathes out. His eyes prickle, and he squeezes them shut. “Thank you for telling me that. It… helps a little, I think.”

“Good,” Blaine replies. His voice is still weak, but there’s an undercurrent of hopefulness as he continues, apparently encouraged by Kurt’s somewhat positive response. “I want things to be better, and I’m aware that they can’t be better right away, but I think we could… work on it. Slowly, over time. Together.”

“Blaine… I appreciate what you’re saying. I really do,” Kurt says carefully, picking fretfully at a loose thread in the blanket over his lap. “But none of it negates the reason for my call. I wish it could, but… I still need to say what I called you to say.”

“Oh…” Blaine rasps out. He sounds a little panicky, but all he says is: “Okay.”

Kurt takes a long breath and steels himself.

“First of all, I need to say that I shouldn’t have kept you waiting this long before calling. I made you think - and I made myself think - that I was weighing a decision that could go either way. But that was just… denial. It was me wishing I could magically think of a way to press a reset button. But really I was just delaying the inevitable.”

“Kurt,” Blaine utters his name like a supplication full of hushed distress.

Kurt waits a moment to see if Blaine has anything to add, but nothing else comes out. It was just Blaine trying to reach out to him, with no real way of reaching him. Kurt swallows roughly and pushes on.

“It’s been two weeks since you were here. If things had gone according to plan, today would’ve been the start of your first weekend visit.”

“I know,” Blaine whispers. “I’ve been thinking about it all day.”

“Me too,” Kurt admits. “I was looking forward to it so much. It was like a lifeline for me, having today to think about when I got tired and frustrated. Before you came here… I had plans for us, Blaine. Right now Rachel would be out at a show for the evening, and we’d be here in the apartment, full of wine and chocolate.” Kurt pauses, blinks back the threat of tears, then forces himself to keep going, fighting past the growing lump in his throat. “You’d be in my bed right now, and my tongue would be exploring every single inch of your body, because I’ve missed it so much - the warmth of it and how it tastes and the way the muscles shift when I-”

“Kurt, please-” Blaine tries to interject, clearly wounded, but Kurt doesn’t let him.

“I’m not… I swear I’m not saying this stuff to punish you or taunt you or… I just want you to understand that today meant a lot to me. I’m mourning the loss of today. And the loss of every other visit we would’ve had, and every bit of the shared future I always imagined. I’m dealing with the death of all those possibilities for us. And I keep thinking about all the days I spent looking forward to today, and how I got through those days just fine because I was one hundred percent bone-deep certain that you were missing me just as much as I was missing you, and that we were both counting down the days until you could be here with me… where I thought you belonged-”

“It’s still where I want to belong, Kurt,” Blaine cuts in, his words laced with barely restrained panic now. “I lost sight of things when I started to feel like I was losing you, and I flipped out because you promised that I wouldn’t lose you, and I realized that if that wasn’t true then maybe we weren’t really meant for each other, but now I’m so certain, I’ve never been more certain that I’ll love you forever. No one else. You’re it for me, please, Kurt, I-”

“It’s not enough anymore, Blaine,” Kurt interrupts, stricken. He swipes angrily at the tears flowing freely over his cheeks now. “I love you, too, and I’ll ache every time I remember what we had, because… no one could touch it. Remember when I told you that? No one could touch what we had. Only us. Only one of us could break it, and you did. I know you didn’t mean to, but it’s all broken now, and I can’t see a way for it to get better… because if we can’t trust each other then there’s nothing. Just a few weeks of me living here made you do something I never thought you’d do, and there’s still a long way to go before your graduation, and it’s not going to magically get any easier, so… I can’t… I just can’t see it working, no matter how I try to rationalize or simplify the situation. Can you? Really, Blaine, can you tell me a realistic way for us to rebuild all this messed up trust and communication while we’re hundreds of miles apart, busy with our own schedules?”

On the other end of the line, Blaine sniffles harshly, but says nothing. For the first time in their relationship, Kurt feels like an adult dealing with an upset kid. He understands now just how far apart they are, living in totally different eras of their lives. He understands, a little bit, how that must have made Blaine feel when he realized it.

“I didn’t think so,” Kurt sighs out despondently. “It’s just… not the right time for us anymore. Maybe… if you still want to come to New York after graduation, maybe we can… meet up and have a talk and… if we’re both single then and willing to try again… I don’t know. Maybe it’ll seem easier when we’re both grownups.”

Kurt isn’t sure if he means what he’s saying, or if he’s just still a little in denial, not fully ready to let go. But he doesn’t regret saying it. It feels like the right thing to say.

“So… I guess that was everything I needed to tell you.” As soon as the words are out of Kurt’s mouth, he realizes there’s still one more thing he needs to get out. Now it’s his turn to take back the biggest promise he ever made to Blaine, because it doesn’t mean anything anymore. It’s been completely nullified. He inhales a shuddering breath, and then slowly, deliberately says what he vowed to never say. “Goodbye, Blaine.”

A choked sob on the other end of the line makes Kurt flinch. He knows the finality of his words has made this breakup real to Blaine on a whole new level, and he knows it must be killing Blaine to hear it as much as it kills him to say it. But he can’t take it back. Not for a very long time, at least.

“Goodbye, Kurt,” Blaine murmurs croakily. “I love you so much.”

“Always,” Kurt whispers hoarsely before hanging up.

And that, sadly, is a declaration that Kurt knows he really means. The knowledge that his feelings for Blaine will never fully fade - no matter what happens - sits heavy on his mind as he collapses sideways onto the couch and allows himself one final breakdown.

~~~~~

“Rough weekend?” Chase asks as he takes up his usual position, leaning against the entryway of Kurt’s modest workspace.

Kurt glares at him halfheartedly. “Is that your way of saying I look like crap?”

“No, you look gorgeous as ever, I promise,” Chase assures him with a grin. “Just way too world-weary for a wunderkind in the big city. And maybe a little hungover.”

“Well, a painful breakup with your high school sweetheart followed by an epic binge of gourmet cheesecake muffins and cheap wine will do that to a person, I suppose,” Kurt says as offhandedly as possible, oversharing yet again. It’s becoming a bad habit around Chase. “Alas, no amount of face cream could’ve hidden it.”

“That sucks, I’m sorry,” Chase says, cringing sympathetically, just like he did the first day flowers arrived at the office. “Clean break, though, right? That’s almost always a better choice than staying in relationship limbo, not really knowing what to expect.”

“I hope so,” Kurt sighs. “Right now it’s just… hollow. Like I’ve lost something vital… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be dumping this on you.”

“Hey, I’m the one who brought it up,” Chase says, shrugging. “And, besides - I said I’d be a friend to you first and foremost, right?”

“I know, but… I don’t share my feelings with many people. For some reason I trust you enough to admit that I’m not okay, even though I should probably think it’s risky to expose my vulnerability to anyone around here.”

Chase’s smile softens. “I’m really glad you do. Trust me, I mean. I’m glad you trust me at least a little.”

“Me too,” Kurt says, managing a small smile in return. “Thank you, again. For… everything, I guess. Mostly for caring.”

“Of course. And thank you for all your help around here. We make good allies, I think.”

“Yeah, we do,” Kurt agrees.

Chase checks his watch and sighs. “I’ve gotta head out for my follow-up with Gustav. See you at the meeting later?”

Kurt nods. Chase winks affably and turns on his heel to head out.

“Chase, wait,” Kurt calls out, compelled to say something else to him while he has the guts. Chase turns back around with his eyebrows raised questioningly, and Kurt forces himself to spit out, “I’m not… ready. Obviously. I won’t be ready for awhile, I don’t know how long, and I don’t want to lead you on, but… when I’m okay again… if you’re still interested by then, you can… ask me out. If you still want to by then, whenever I’m-”

“Kurt,” Chase says, taking a step forward. There’s a slack, awed expression on his handsomely chiseled face. “I’ll still want to. There’s no question about that. I’ll be interested when you’re okay again. So just… let me know. Whenever that is. No pressure, I promise. No rush.”

“Okay,” Kurt breathes out. “I’ll, um… talk to you later.”

“Later,” Chase echoes, and it sounds like a promise of something bigger than just chatting in the conference room after today’s staff meeting ends.

Kurt still isn’t sure if he can really believe Chase - but he wants to believe him. Maybe Chase will get bored or frustrated by Kurt’s lack of romantic attention, and go after some other guy instead. If Kurt couldn’t keep Blaine from doing it, how can he keep someone he barely knows from doing it? And he knows he’d have no right to be upset if Chase loses interest, because Kurt hasn’t offered him anything at all. There’s no commitment here.

But later, gazing out a window, soaking in the view of bright sunlight gleaming against the Manhattan buildings, Kurt ignores his doubts for a little while. He allows himself to imagine Chase coming to him, weeks or months from now, and asking him out after waiting for him. The thought makes a small, hopeful smile pull at the corners of his mouth.

He can’t help it, really. He’s always been a sucker for a guy who thinks he’s worth waiting for.

~x~x~x~x~

Songs:
Fiona Apple - "Criminal"
Madonna - "Ray of Light"
The Beatles - "A Little Help From My Friends"
New Order - "Temptation"

Link to the tumblr listing in case you feel inclined to like and/or reblog. <3
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