things i want to say
hmmm....Caven's shift key is sleeping on the job. please forgive my lack of capitals.
so i guess i don't need cigarettes anymore. that's good. i want one, though. just a little.
i find myself constantly sorry for all the times i've planned on calling, writing, or visiting, but never did. i kind of suck at that. it makes it far too easy for me to lose friends...but should i lose friends over something as simple as keeping in touch? i don't think so. of course, i like to think of friendship as something that exists steadfastly without need to be pampered or addressed. i like to think that i can go years without seeing or speaking to someone, then suddenly see them and pick up the very conversation we were last having. that's expecting a little too much out of friendship, though. it is one of those things that you've gotta take care of. like an aloe plant or something. too bad i've never had a green thumb.
i'm full of emotions these days. i feel like a teenager again. i find myself falling in love every day...with the people i see on the street, the ones i watch on facebook, the ones that are far too young for me...and it's all rather silly, because i'm in a dedicated relationship with someone who i truly love. there's something about that, though. it seems like i'm savoring all the bad stuff about being a kid with a crush. that longing, glancing at her photos every few minutes as though that will make her think of me. or lying in bed, aching with the torment of those 'he loves me, he loves me not' thoughts. of course, i know very well that soon i will have that beautiful boy beside me in bed, and he'll wrap his skinny arms around me and i'll be fine, and loved.
silly that i have trust issues after all this time. it's not fair to either of us. sometimes i think he's with me because he wants to be and because he loves me and that's that. i feel like there's nothing to worry about. but then, some whatifs creep into my ear, and that starts the whole thing going again. i mean, he doesn't kill flies. shouldn't he have a hard time breaking up with a girl he doesn't really like? he can get much better, and he knows this. i know he does. i guess it's just the blind trust that i have to hope for and cherish. he seems honest and genuine. i'm the one getting all heart-achy over a few text messages.
speaking of heart-achy, there's something that's made me want to write more recently. for the past month or so, i've been dreaming about ghostie again. not anything dramatic...he's just...there. it's weird because i haven't thought about him for a long time, and suddenly he's back in my head again. i think it's been ever since my grandma died. i've been thinking a lot about death again.
woo!!!1 love, death, relationship woes...i'm getting this lj thing started off right!
like an EMO KID!!!
so caps lock works. i don't think it's worth hitting twice for every capital letter, though. oh, well.
i look adorable in my profile picture, btw. is that me? it's like, 12-year-old-boy-core! did i really ever look like that, or is that just a creatively angled picture like the rest of 'em?
fiver and i were playing with the webcam on caven's computer, and i realized how weird i look when i smile. i don't like it. i know it makes me sound even more emo, i just don't like the face i make. maybe i should spend several days with a webcam in front of me and learn to control my facial expressions better. do you think that's possible? i know i look a lot less attractive when i clench my teeth, which i do quite a lot. if i can catch myself in weird expressions, maybe i can make them go away.
and less on the subject of vanity, i'm kind of in the mood to go searching for cotton monsters. (it should be noted that one really should not go out looking for cotton monsters. they are vicious creatures.) i saw ellis at lizzie's birfday party last night, and it made me remember our heyday. back when we were major friends. we were so miserable. we had so much fun. we were so honest with each other. then i had to go and eff it up. oh, well. it happens, i guess. and danny and i made up after years of not talking. maybe all it will take is a time of need some time in the future and we'll be okay. when he's really hurting and i know i can cheer him up. and we'll watch movies and tell each other stories and walk in the dark until we're lost in our own neighborhood. then we'll be okay.
what is it that makes me want to be so close to people if i know it's going to hurt so bad? it just about always does, eventually...and it's often times my fault. shadow was texting me for a few days there...and i wanted so badly to be that person to him. i wanted to know everything about him and i wanted to know how to make him smile. i wanted to be that person next to him on the couch. i wanted to kiss his forehead and hair and eyelids, but never his lips. i wonder if he's ever had that person, and if it hurt. i just want to ease his pain, or hurt with him. does that make any sense? ellis and i used to hurt together. so did ghostie and i. with danny and i, it was a little different. we were filled with scalding, angry feelings toward each other...but we still took such great comfort in each other that we would seek each other out regardless. we would never talk. we just looked off in opposite directions. sometimes our hands would brush, though. sometimes our knees would touch and we both knew the comfort that it brought to the other.
fiver? well, i don't know. i certainly don't know how to cheer him up when he's sad. often times, it's my fault. so one strike against me. he's mentioned that he takes comfort in my company even when he's mad at me...and i know what he means and it means a lot to me. it's not reciprocated, though. why not? i certainly care about him.
i love him more than anyone else in the world and he shares so little of this thing i treasure. it doesn't upset me. it just makes me a little concerned with myself.
friendship is a special thing. but i'm kind of a friendship whore. every once in a while i latch on to someone and etch away at them until i've gotten what's inside. sometimes i think about doing so for years. sometimes i forget, and then i remember again. i am quite heartless...
i very much wish i wasn't....but kind of like i wish i was taller. just one of those things.
so, how was that?
wtf, ingrid? since when are you 15 and uber-female?
p.s. somebody said something really little and sweet to me today and it made my day. one of these days i'll tell him who that cd was for.
so i guess i don't need cigarettes anymore. that's good. i want one, though. just a little.
i find myself constantly sorry for all the times i've planned on calling, writing, or visiting, but never did. i kind of suck at that. it makes it far too easy for me to lose friends...but should i lose friends over something as simple as keeping in touch? i don't think so. of course, i like to think of friendship as something that exists steadfastly without need to be pampered or addressed. i like to think that i can go years without seeing or speaking to someone, then suddenly see them and pick up the very conversation we were last having. that's expecting a little too much out of friendship, though. it is one of those things that you've gotta take care of. like an aloe plant or something. too bad i've never had a green thumb.
i'm full of emotions these days. i feel like a teenager again. i find myself falling in love every day...with the people i see on the street, the ones i watch on facebook, the ones that are far too young for me...and it's all rather silly, because i'm in a dedicated relationship with someone who i truly love. there's something about that, though. it seems like i'm savoring all the bad stuff about being a kid with a crush. that longing, glancing at her photos every few minutes as though that will make her think of me. or lying in bed, aching with the torment of those 'he loves me, he loves me not' thoughts. of course, i know very well that soon i will have that beautiful boy beside me in bed, and he'll wrap his skinny arms around me and i'll be fine, and loved.
silly that i have trust issues after all this time. it's not fair to either of us. sometimes i think he's with me because he wants to be and because he loves me and that's that. i feel like there's nothing to worry about. but then, some whatifs creep into my ear, and that starts the whole thing going again. i mean, he doesn't kill flies. shouldn't he have a hard time breaking up with a girl he doesn't really like? he can get much better, and he knows this. i know he does. i guess it's just the blind trust that i have to hope for and cherish. he seems honest and genuine. i'm the one getting all heart-achy over a few text messages.
speaking of heart-achy, there's something that's made me want to write more recently. for the past month or so, i've been dreaming about ghostie again. not anything dramatic...he's just...there. it's weird because i haven't thought about him for a long time, and suddenly he's back in my head again. i think it's been ever since my grandma died. i've been thinking a lot about death again.
woo!!!1 love, death, relationship woes...i'm getting this lj thing started off right!
like an EMO KID!!!
so caps lock works. i don't think it's worth hitting twice for every capital letter, though. oh, well.
i look adorable in my profile picture, btw. is that me? it's like, 12-year-old-boy-core! did i really ever look like that, or is that just a creatively angled picture like the rest of 'em?
fiver and i were playing with the webcam on caven's computer, and i realized how weird i look when i smile. i don't like it. i know it makes me sound even more emo, i just don't like the face i make. maybe i should spend several days with a webcam in front of me and learn to control my facial expressions better. do you think that's possible? i know i look a lot less attractive when i clench my teeth, which i do quite a lot. if i can catch myself in weird expressions, maybe i can make them go away.
and less on the subject of vanity, i'm kind of in the mood to go searching for cotton monsters. (it should be noted that one really should not go out looking for cotton monsters. they are vicious creatures.) i saw ellis at lizzie's birfday party last night, and it made me remember our heyday. back when we were major friends. we were so miserable. we had so much fun. we were so honest with each other. then i had to go and eff it up. oh, well. it happens, i guess. and danny and i made up after years of not talking. maybe all it will take is a time of need some time in the future and we'll be okay. when he's really hurting and i know i can cheer him up. and we'll watch movies and tell each other stories and walk in the dark until we're lost in our own neighborhood. then we'll be okay.
what is it that makes me want to be so close to people if i know it's going to hurt so bad? it just about always does, eventually...and it's often times my fault. shadow was texting me for a few days there...and i wanted so badly to be that person to him. i wanted to know everything about him and i wanted to know how to make him smile. i wanted to be that person next to him on the couch. i wanted to kiss his forehead and hair and eyelids, but never his lips. i wonder if he's ever had that person, and if it hurt. i just want to ease his pain, or hurt with him. does that make any sense? ellis and i used to hurt together. so did ghostie and i. with danny and i, it was a little different. we were filled with scalding, angry feelings toward each other...but we still took such great comfort in each other that we would seek each other out regardless. we would never talk. we just looked off in opposite directions. sometimes our hands would brush, though. sometimes our knees would touch and we both knew the comfort that it brought to the other.
fiver? well, i don't know. i certainly don't know how to cheer him up when he's sad. often times, it's my fault. so one strike against me. he's mentioned that he takes comfort in my company even when he's mad at me...and i know what he means and it means a lot to me. it's not reciprocated, though. why not? i certainly care about him.
i love him more than anyone else in the world and he shares so little of this thing i treasure. it doesn't upset me. it just makes me a little concerned with myself.
friendship is a special thing. but i'm kind of a friendship whore. every once in a while i latch on to someone and etch away at them until i've gotten what's inside. sometimes i think about doing so for years. sometimes i forget, and then i remember again. i am quite heartless...
i very much wish i wasn't....but kind of like i wish i was taller. just one of those things.
so, how was that?
wtf, ingrid? since when are you 15 and uber-female?
p.s. somebody said something really little and sweet to me today and it made my day. one of these days i'll tell him who that cd was for.