First Kingdom Hearts addiction of the year.

Jun 05, 2007 01:39

Fortunately, this time I've dragged Milix into it as well. For now, anyway...I'm sure as soon as James is back in town, Milo will be spending most of the time with her. Eh...it's good for him. Alix and I can drown our sorrows in the one videogame that exploits our near-obsessive desire to go to Disney World.

Speaking of which, I'm going to go before school starts again. I've decided. This is the way things have to be. I'll save up some money or something. It'll be great.

Everybody's itching to get out of here. I am too...'specially since KTXT (as it is today) means very little to me, and I can't take school in the direction I'd like at Tech, and that my friends group has kind of shattered and I've ruined two perfectly good potential relationships with people that are way out of my league, but seemed to like me anyway at the time. Space 1110 is officially torn down as of...well, just noticed it today, really (it was standing three days ago)...and it's kind of like a metaphor for everything I had going for me here. Long sentence. Sentance. Too tired to remember proper spelling. Anyway, summary: If I don't find something new to dedicate myself to, I will kill myself. That means I gotta get the hell away from this place.

Kind of hard now, though...now that I've got a new roommate and a new high-paying job...and that I'm starting to realistically see the attachments that will be hard to get rid of, and those that are going to fade anyway whether I'm here or not.

I've thought about going back to Cincinnati, but no real plans. No, I take that back. I don't really know where to go. Cincinnati does have an awesome natural history museum, though. And Kings Island. Wait, that's not grounds for making an important life decision...

...anyway, I had a good day today. I've been really down about the station, especially since Dave said he thought I really deserved an Invisible College shift, so I was really hoping that I might finally get one. FINALLY. Anyway, it got my hopes up, a lot...but then I went to sign the schedule--and first of all, I didn't get one (though everyone on the exec. staff seems to have those now, including SammiWTF??!) and then I'm still stuck on Mondays, and I thought at the very least I'd get my Thursdays back again. So, I'll admit it: I was sad. Sad sad sad. Sad because I'd done everything within my power this year to become TEN TIMES the DJ I used to be. Yet...DJ's that make me cringe to hear them on-air are still ranking above me. It's not about rank, I guess...it's about achievement. Sometimes its better to think that maybe I just suck. Which is believable, and that's what I like to tell myself: I'm not as good of a DJ as I think I am. It makes these repeated failures much easier to swallow...because honest "you'renotgoodenough" is a million times better than knowing that I've been ignored and given up on.

But even if I wasn't...

I dunno. I was sad. And I missed the Station, and I missed the lifestyle, and I've been pissed off about the arrogance and self-importance that was displayed at the most recent hiring meeting. And that our listeners hate us. And whatnot.

I couldn't sleep the night before...I was in bed for hours trying to force myself to think of anything but how shitty things were. I mean...things have been shitty before. Things have always been shitty, and always will be shitty. But there's always been something to fall back on...and for the longest time, that something was KTXT. But it's not my radio anymore.

I don't know how things got all fucked up. I don't understand how people can believe everything they hear. Maybe that's a lie. Maybe I'm just as bad as everyone else, and I'm naive and gullible. But...maybe not.

REGARDLESS, I went into the station, and did my shift, and got WAY too many requests to possibly fit in (yeah, that means I couldn't play a damn thing of my own, but I guess I'm used to that by now) and most of my callers treated me like a friend who had been gone a long time. Most of them called me by name, which is always flattering, because it means they're actually paying attention to who they're listening to. Many of them said they missed me. Lots of compliments. Talking about how great it was to hear my voice--and my music--again. It's not my music...I don't think they understand that. Very rarely do I get to play anything remotely close to a DJ's choice. Sometimes I get the first double-shot of the shift...but my calls have been through the roof and aside from picking specific songs, it's all the listener's call. But that doesn't bother me too much...only when I get really excited about what I want to play, or if they'll let me bring something new in. But usually, I'm glad to get the calls. It made me remember what I like about being on-air, and I need that these days...up until right before my shift, I've been thinking about just quitting. No last shift, no goodbye playlist...just telling them that I won't be there, and why. Or maybe just not show up at all. Just to get it off my shoulders...and out of my life.

But then I remember how amazing it is to be able to interact with people. And how radio has been such a big part of my life, and how I feel like independent radio is my ultimate cause. How much I love music, and that 88.1 creates this musical energy in myself...to seek it out, to criticize...to discover and even create it myself.

I started to play Milo's keyboard along to Ix's Indie Mix and Ben Folds. I wanted my piano real bad. I thought about getting another upright--one that works!--and putting my stereo on top of it and playing along with the radio and my favorite CD's. I'm getting a lot better on the mandolin...especially since Milo and I started taking Antares with us everywhere. I've never really gotten to that second-nature playing by ear thing on a guitar or mandolin like I have with piano...but I think I could, and that's exciting.

I really want to write songs with Milo. I mean...we're ALWAYS singing...half the time we've got instruments in our hands or have found some way to make noise. To some people, it's entertaining. To some people, it's annoying. But I have a musical chemistry (or at least the same desire for music's presence in my life) with Milo (weirdly) that I never had with John, and I hope it doesn't go to waste. It's almost at a Chance level, but in a more whimsical way. Because I know that there doesn't have to be a purpose or a goal...I have the feeling that we could get lost in music for days together. But...his girlfriend's way more talented than me, so I should probably step down and go back to my baby grand. Far away.

I think I want to try to see if I could live my life--even for a day--without music. Maybe a week. Maybe even a month. No music whatsoever. People have done it. I want to see what happens to me, and I want to know what it feels like to finally hear music again. But...I hear music everywhere. I hear rhythms and melodies everywhere. So I don't think I'd be able to do it purely without...just without external music. While I was sneaking around Jessie's house a few nights ago (when we went to New Mexico), I was totally writing a song in my head to the oil-move-thingy, and the sounds it made. I'd sing it for you, but I didn't get to lyrics. Lyrics aren't my strong point. Words are, but not poetry. I don't quite know how to explain it.

Life has become a musical, though. Finally.

Aidan has been haunting us quite nicely. Lots of unexplained noises, lots of dreams and things ending up in places where they weren't the night before. But...I thought it was just at my house. He visited Jessie...she dreamed where it was written that he was leaving and that he was angry, and she looked to read it again, and a knock on her door woke her up. It was in the wee hours of the morning, in the middle of nowhere outside Levelland. No one was there.

I sure am an odd duck.

Sorry. Sometimes I just realize that. It's just that I do have a strange way of dealing with my problems.
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