Smallfandom Big bang, Say something, Part 5
Title: Say something
Summary: Roman Wilde, ice skater, has died, on the ice he loved so much.This is the after.
~
Acceptance
~At times it really seems like everything is perfectly fine, that somehow Deniz and Florian are actually moving forward. Vanessa knows that her cousin is taking care of Florian - and really, she barely knows the boy, so trying to help him through something like this would just be incredibly awkward. Perhaps if Florian had no help at all, she would consider it, but since he does, she doesn’t even try. (Maybe that is wrong, maybe she should be trying to help him, but this is the way it is.) Besides, supporting her best friend is just more natural. Really though, the more time passes, the better they seem, and she thinks the worst might be behind them. But then there are times when she’ll see Deniz and she’ll know, instantly, that he’s not alright, not at all. Sometime it’s because something has happened but mostly, mostly she thinks it’s just the way grief works. (One step forward, two steps back.)
Thinking about it, it seems logical that watching Katja skate across the ice on which Roman had died, was not a good idea. It really, really does. But when she was convincing him to go, all she was thinking about was the fact that Kaja is his friend. And she’d thought, at the time, that he needed to go because he couldn’t hide away from the world forever. It had not even occurred to her that Deniz would not be able to deal with the situation. She knows he hasn’t even been able to walk into the ice rink before and she’s not sure he’ll ever be able to stand on the ice again. (He doesn’t need to, not really, it’s not part of his job anymore. Besides, skating had never been that important to him. At least not the way it had been to Roman, to Jennifer.)
It’s not until Katja skates across the ice, and Deniz suddenly runs out, that she realizes ‘oh, of course.’ Of course, he can’t deal with this, but why didn’t he say something? If he had then they could have avoided this moment all together. They’ve never talked about any of it, she’d always assumed he wasn’t ready yet and he would talk to her when he finally was. And it seems like this moment has finally opened the flood gates and suddenly Deniz is talking about all of it. (And of course, of course Deniz would always see Roman skating across the ice, regardless of who is actually skating.) She says nothing, just holds him while he describes to her how Roman looked the last time he stood on the ice. She can imagine it, that moment, how beautiful it must have been. She wonders, briefly, if he has ever allowed himself to remember that specific moment, or if it had been completely forgotten by what came right after. It doesn’t really matter.
Three days later she drags Deniz to the ice rink and forces him to stand on the ice. He doesn’t want to, she knows that, but he has to do it. Because he can’t ignore the place forever. Because the ice rink had been one of the most important places in Roman’s life and that meant it was important to Deniz too, even if right now he wants to ignore it. At first Deniz just stands there, staring at the ice, but eventually he puts his feet on it. (She’s not sure how long it takes, she didn’t exactly time it.)
Before she knows it they’re skating across the ice, laughing as they do so.
For just a moment she can almost hear Roman laugh as well. And maybe, maybe he does, maybe he’s even skating across the ice beside them.
She likes that idea.
~
When your greatest dream come true, you are the happiest person in the world. And Florian is, he is. After all, they want him to play professional hockey in Canada, and it’s what he’s always wanted. Many people knew that was his dream, but only Roman always believed he could do it. Only Roman told him to keep trying, to never give up because “Someday,” he said, “your dreams will come true.” Deniz is so proud of him, everyone is, and Florian is happy, he is. But Roman is not here to share this moment with him, Roman will never know that he actually managed to achieve his dream. His big brother has been dead for almost a year now and he still can’t quite believe it sometimes. There are days where he still expects him to walk through that door as if nothing has happened, even if everything has changed. He knows Roman would be proud of him, he does, but it’s not the same as hearing him say it. But he promises him this: if he’s is looking down on him, Florian is going to make sure his brother will be nothing but proud of him.
He wants to go - and he will go, he knows that too because it’s what he’s always wanted - but at the same time, he doesn’t want to at all. He doesn’t want to leave the town in which Roman once lived, doesn’t want to leave the home he built behind. He doesn’t want to leave Deniz here all alone - although he isn’t actually alone. Vanessa and Ingo are still here, his father is here and his uncle Cam - who Florian doesn’t like, at all, but he’s pretending he does to keep the peace - has been living on their couch for about two weeks now. Roman wouldn’t have liked Cam, he knows that; the other man’s feelings about gay people are far too obvious (and they are not good.) But Deniz seems to be ignoring it for the moment, probably because he’s family - and honestly Cam did say he wouldn’t be staying for long, so why create problems? So technically, Deniz will not be alone, but in a way he’ll be. Because Cam, the person who will be living here with him, never met Roman, doesn’t miss him and doesn’t care to find out anything about him. (He knows Roman existed, he’s seen the pictures.) In the end Deniz is the one who tells Florian he’s definitely going, no question about it. Florian will make sure to keep in touch, no matter how hard it might be in years to come, because Deniz is his brother and he can’t lose another one.
“It’s ok, Flo, “ Deniz says. “You will be brilliant, and Roman would be so incredibly proud. And always remember: you have a home here, and I am always here for you. I am just one call away if you need anything.”
And so, a few days later, they say their goodbyes at the airport, he boards the plane and he leaves his life in Essen behind. But his big brother? His big brother he takes with him wherever he goes.
~
There are moments when Deniz does nothing but think about what might have been. Where he imagines the future he and Roman could - should - have had. It’s hard to imagine a completely, perfect future though, but it would have been perfect for them. Because any future in which Roman lives is perfect.
There are times when these thoughts creep up on him, taking him by surprise, and there are times when he imagines that future deliberately.
But that’s not his life, it will never be his life, and he’s come to accept that (it’s taken him a while, but he’s gotten there.) He might wish for different, better times, but this is his world now. In a strange way, he’s glad his uncle Cam is here - despite the problems the other man creates - because otherwise he’d be living alone now. And he thinks that would make the apartment to empty, too silent, and it would make it all so much more real, so much worse. At times it’s difficult that Cam never met Roman and as such doesn’t understand the depths of his grieve, but at the same time it’s also a good thing. He wonders, sometimes, what Cam thinks about it. After all to him, Roman is nothing but a picture and a name. It must be weird to watch your nephew grieve for man you’ve never known. And isn’t that a strange thought? That for some people, people that are important to him and Flo, Roman will never be anything but an old picture and a name. He’ll never be real.
~
Roman is still everywhere. A few weeks after Roman died Deniz got rid of most of his clothes - no point in keeping all of them after all - but some of them, mostly his favourite shirts, still hang in the closet. On the nights he misses him the most, Deniz wears his favourite shirt to bed and sometimes he can still imagine it smells like Roman. Pictures are still scattered everywhere - Cam had tried to convince him to move all of them to his room, but Deniz didn’t: this was their apartment and Roman would be where he’s always been. Roman’s ice skates - which he takes care of, making sure that someone can still use to should someone want to (not that he would allow it) - are in box in his closet. Roman’s cell phone - with his voicemail - is still there, he still pays the bill every month, he doesn’t even know why. (He does know why: because it’s Roman’s voice and he can’t let it go.)
He is there, right by his side, in so many ways. But in the ways that truly matter, he has faded away. There are people in Deniz’s life that matter to him, that never mattered to Roman. New people have taken over the Steinkamp centre - they left ice skating behind just a few weeks after Roman died and they’d moved to dancing for a while. But eventually, over the years, it’s become all about football. And he hates that Roman is no longer a part of everything, but at the same time, it’s also better. It makes it easier to move on, easier to spend a full day without feeling like he’ll burst into tears at any point. So far, he hasn’t fallen in love again though. He’s not sure he can or wants to.
~
dream
A series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person’s mind during sleep
~It’s not the dreams that bother him. Because in all honesty, Deniz dreams about Roman constantly. Sometimes it’s just a collection of memories, a collage of happy moments, all woven together in a way only dreams can accomplish. Sometimes those dreams are clear, happy visions about a future they never had (so clear, in fact, that Deniz can still see it when he wakes.) In some futures Roman never gets ill, in others he gets better. In other dreams they’re simply soaring across the ice, just like they’d done before. Sometimes he just dreams of the last time he saw Roman skate (that moment, in which it seemed like he could almost fly.) Waking is always painful, and those dreams always take his breathe away, but he gets used to that. (Deniz wishes, desperately, that he didn’t have to get used to these moments.)
But there are moments - nothing more than seconds really - when he floats between waking and dreaming. When he’s no longer really asleep but he has not fully woken either. Seconds, that sometimes seem like hours, in which everything is still possible, in which the dream he’s just had is still real. Seconds in which it seems that Roman is still just by his side, that he can just reach out to touch him. But then the second passes and he wakes, and he remembers. Because the bed is too cold and empty. Because he can hear voices just outside his room that belong to people that never met Roman.
And he’ll remember: Roman is dead.
And for a moment he won’t be able to breathe, for just a moment the pain an grieve will seem fresh.
But those moments pass, they always do.
~
Whenever Deniz looks at the ice rink he never sees what’s actually there. Sometimes he sees Roman, soaring across the ice, the way he had done that last time he saw him. Deniz likes to remember Roman that way: happy because he’s where he belongs. At other times he’ll see the both of them skating across the ice. (Like the DVD he keeps watching or that first time they skated together when they were so young and happy, so unaware of what was to come.)
Sometimes all he can see is Roman lying dead on the ice.
One thing is always the same though: whenever Deniz looks at the ice rink he sees Roman.
And honestly, he wouldn’t want it any other way. Because he doesn’t want to forget a single thing about Roman. Not the good and not the bad. Not the things they got right (and they got things right, of course they did) and not the things they got wrong. He wants to remember all of it because every single moment is them. He even wants to remember how it ended because that is also a part of them.
Roman Wilde will always be a part of him, Roman will always be by his side.
And Deniz will always love him.
Always.
Summary: Roman Wilde, ice skater, has died, on the ice he loved so much.This is the after.
~
Acceptance
~At times it really seems like everything is perfectly fine, that somehow Deniz and Florian are actually moving forward. Vanessa knows that her cousin is taking care of Florian - and really, she barely knows the boy, so trying to help him through something like this would just be incredibly awkward. Perhaps if Florian had no help at all, she would consider it, but since he does, she doesn’t even try. (Maybe that is wrong, maybe she should be trying to help him, but this is the way it is.) Besides, supporting her best friend is just more natural. Really though, the more time passes, the better they seem, and she thinks the worst might be behind them. But then there are times when she’ll see Deniz and she’ll know, instantly, that he’s not alright, not at all. Sometime it’s because something has happened but mostly, mostly she thinks it’s just the way grief works. (One step forward, two steps back.)
Thinking about it, it seems logical that watching Katja skate across the ice on which Roman had died, was not a good idea. It really, really does. But when she was convincing him to go, all she was thinking about was the fact that Kaja is his friend. And she’d thought, at the time, that he needed to go because he couldn’t hide away from the world forever. It had not even occurred to her that Deniz would not be able to deal with the situation. She knows he hasn’t even been able to walk into the ice rink before and she’s not sure he’ll ever be able to stand on the ice again. (He doesn’t need to, not really, it’s not part of his job anymore. Besides, skating had never been that important to him. At least not the way it had been to Roman, to Jennifer.)
It’s not until Katja skates across the ice, and Deniz suddenly runs out, that she realizes ‘oh, of course.’ Of course, he can’t deal with this, but why didn’t he say something? If he had then they could have avoided this moment all together. They’ve never talked about any of it, she’d always assumed he wasn’t ready yet and he would talk to her when he finally was. And it seems like this moment has finally opened the flood gates and suddenly Deniz is talking about all of it. (And of course, of course Deniz would always see Roman skating across the ice, regardless of who is actually skating.) She says nothing, just holds him while he describes to her how Roman looked the last time he stood on the ice. She can imagine it, that moment, how beautiful it must have been. She wonders, briefly, if he has ever allowed himself to remember that specific moment, or if it had been completely forgotten by what came right after. It doesn’t really matter.
Three days later she drags Deniz to the ice rink and forces him to stand on the ice. He doesn’t want to, she knows that, but he has to do it. Because he can’t ignore the place forever. Because the ice rink had been one of the most important places in Roman’s life and that meant it was important to Deniz too, even if right now he wants to ignore it. At first Deniz just stands there, staring at the ice, but eventually he puts his feet on it. (She’s not sure how long it takes, she didn’t exactly time it.)
Before she knows it they’re skating across the ice, laughing as they do so.
For just a moment she can almost hear Roman laugh as well. And maybe, maybe he does, maybe he’s even skating across the ice beside them.
She likes that idea.
~
When your greatest dream come true, you are the happiest person in the world. And Florian is, he is. After all, they want him to play professional hockey in Canada, and it’s what he’s always wanted. Many people knew that was his dream, but only Roman always believed he could do it. Only Roman told him to keep trying, to never give up because “Someday,” he said, “your dreams will come true.” Deniz is so proud of him, everyone is, and Florian is happy, he is. But Roman is not here to share this moment with him, Roman will never know that he actually managed to achieve his dream. His big brother has been dead for almost a year now and he still can’t quite believe it sometimes. There are days where he still expects him to walk through that door as if nothing has happened, even if everything has changed. He knows Roman would be proud of him, he does, but it’s not the same as hearing him say it. But he promises him this: if he’s is looking down on him, Florian is going to make sure his brother will be nothing but proud of him.
He wants to go - and he will go, he knows that too because it’s what he’s always wanted - but at the same time, he doesn’t want to at all. He doesn’t want to leave the town in which Roman once lived, doesn’t want to leave the home he built behind. He doesn’t want to leave Deniz here all alone - although he isn’t actually alone. Vanessa and Ingo are still here, his father is here and his uncle Cam - who Florian doesn’t like, at all, but he’s pretending he does to keep the peace - has been living on their couch for about two weeks now. Roman wouldn’t have liked Cam, he knows that; the other man’s feelings about gay people are far too obvious (and they are not good.) But Deniz seems to be ignoring it for the moment, probably because he’s family - and honestly Cam did say he wouldn’t be staying for long, so why create problems? So technically, Deniz will not be alone, but in a way he’ll be. Because Cam, the person who will be living here with him, never met Roman, doesn’t miss him and doesn’t care to find out anything about him. (He knows Roman existed, he’s seen the pictures.) In the end Deniz is the one who tells Florian he’s definitely going, no question about it. Florian will make sure to keep in touch, no matter how hard it might be in years to come, because Deniz is his brother and he can’t lose another one.
“It’s ok, Flo, “ Deniz says. “You will be brilliant, and Roman would be so incredibly proud. And always remember: you have a home here, and I am always here for you. I am just one call away if you need anything.”
And so, a few days later, they say their goodbyes at the airport, he boards the plane and he leaves his life in Essen behind. But his big brother? His big brother he takes with him wherever he goes.
~
There are moments when Deniz does nothing but think about what might have been. Where he imagines the future he and Roman could - should - have had. It’s hard to imagine a completely, perfect future though, but it would have been perfect for them. Because any future in which Roman lives is perfect.
There are times when these thoughts creep up on him, taking him by surprise, and there are times when he imagines that future deliberately.
But that’s not his life, it will never be his life, and he’s come to accept that (it’s taken him a while, but he’s gotten there.) He might wish for different, better times, but this is his world now. In a strange way, he’s glad his uncle Cam is here - despite the problems the other man creates - because otherwise he’d be living alone now. And he thinks that would make the apartment to empty, too silent, and it would make it all so much more real, so much worse. At times it’s difficult that Cam never met Roman and as such doesn’t understand the depths of his grieve, but at the same time it’s also a good thing. He wonders, sometimes, what Cam thinks about it. After all to him, Roman is nothing but a picture and a name. It must be weird to watch your nephew grieve for man you’ve never known. And isn’t that a strange thought? That for some people, people that are important to him and Flo, Roman will never be anything but an old picture and a name. He’ll never be real.
~
Roman is still everywhere. A few weeks after Roman died Deniz got rid of most of his clothes - no point in keeping all of them after all - but some of them, mostly his favourite shirts, still hang in the closet. On the nights he misses him the most, Deniz wears his favourite shirt to bed and sometimes he can still imagine it smells like Roman. Pictures are still scattered everywhere - Cam had tried to convince him to move all of them to his room, but Deniz didn’t: this was their apartment and Roman would be where he’s always been. Roman’s ice skates - which he takes care of, making sure that someone can still use to should someone want to (not that he would allow it) - are in box in his closet. Roman’s cell phone - with his voicemail - is still there, he still pays the bill every month, he doesn’t even know why. (He does know why: because it’s Roman’s voice and he can’t let it go.)
He is there, right by his side, in so many ways. But in the ways that truly matter, he has faded away. There are people in Deniz’s life that matter to him, that never mattered to Roman. New people have taken over the Steinkamp centre - they left ice skating behind just a few weeks after Roman died and they’d moved to dancing for a while. But eventually, over the years, it’s become all about football. And he hates that Roman is no longer a part of everything, but at the same time, it’s also better. It makes it easier to move on, easier to spend a full day without feeling like he’ll burst into tears at any point. So far, he hasn’t fallen in love again though. He’s not sure he can or wants to.
~
dream
A series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person’s mind during sleep
~It’s not the dreams that bother him. Because in all honesty, Deniz dreams about Roman constantly. Sometimes it’s just a collection of memories, a collage of happy moments, all woven together in a way only dreams can accomplish. Sometimes those dreams are clear, happy visions about a future they never had (so clear, in fact, that Deniz can still see it when he wakes.) In some futures Roman never gets ill, in others he gets better. In other dreams they’re simply soaring across the ice, just like they’d done before. Sometimes he just dreams of the last time he saw Roman skate (that moment, in which it seemed like he could almost fly.) Waking is always painful, and those dreams always take his breathe away, but he gets used to that. (Deniz wishes, desperately, that he didn’t have to get used to these moments.)
But there are moments - nothing more than seconds really - when he floats between waking and dreaming. When he’s no longer really asleep but he has not fully woken either. Seconds, that sometimes seem like hours, in which everything is still possible, in which the dream he’s just had is still real. Seconds in which it seems that Roman is still just by his side, that he can just reach out to touch him. But then the second passes and he wakes, and he remembers. Because the bed is too cold and empty. Because he can hear voices just outside his room that belong to people that never met Roman.
And he’ll remember: Roman is dead.
And for a moment he won’t be able to breathe, for just a moment the pain an grieve will seem fresh.
But those moments pass, they always do.
~
Whenever Deniz looks at the ice rink he never sees what’s actually there. Sometimes he sees Roman, soaring across the ice, the way he had done that last time he saw him. Deniz likes to remember Roman that way: happy because he’s where he belongs. At other times he’ll see the both of them skating across the ice. (Like the DVD he keeps watching or that first time they skated together when they were so young and happy, so unaware of what was to come.)
Sometimes all he can see is Roman lying dead on the ice.
One thing is always the same though: whenever Deniz looks at the ice rink he sees Roman.
And honestly, he wouldn’t want it any other way. Because he doesn’t want to forget a single thing about Roman. Not the good and not the bad. Not the things they got right (and they got things right, of course they did) and not the things they got wrong. He wants to remember all of it because every single moment is them. He even wants to remember how it ended because that is also a part of them.
Roman Wilde will always be a part of him, Roman will always be by his side.
And Deniz will always love him.
Always.