Guess who’s back with a brand new rap~
I’m so excited that summer is coming! You would think after eight years of living in Florida that I wouldn’t be so eager to get away from my first winter back, but NOPE it was too cold! >~<
I miss wearing cute outfits that show off my tattoos- which I am too excited about getting back to working on! I had to take a few years off while dealing with cancer. I’m so grateful to be healthy again.
Maybe that’s a good starting point on catching everyone up on what has been happening with me? I feel this post already getting a bit scattered, so, let’s dive into that?
I think most people know I had a bout with cancer if you’re following me on Instagram, but if you aren’t here is the run down.
Everything started when I went up north to visit my family before the holiday season set in. My mom and I went to Friendly’s and during our mother-daughter lunch she asked me, “What’s up with your neck Sar?” She pointed to her own neck so I knew where to feel on my own. To me, nothing felt different, and when I looked in the mirror about two or three hours later nothing looked different. I didn’t stress it and honestly thought it might just be allergies since mine had been bugging me with the seasons changing. I did, however, promise my mom that I would go to my primary care physician for him to decide when I returned to Florida. I will admit I waited a couple weeks, set a few reminders on my phone, and then when I did call to make the appointment I just scheduled my normal medication check so they didn’t rush me in or anything. Now it is the end of October and I’m going to the doctor. I mentioned to him what my mom had said and after palpitating my neck for all of about a minute he grunted out a dad noise and said he didn’t like the way “that” felt. I try to get blood work or scans done the same day as they were ordered because if I push it off chances are I will keep pushing it off. (Nurses really are the worst patients. I would be so mad if one of my loved ones handled their health this way~) I got to the hospital for the ultrasound. I remember my technician pretty well because she had such a beautiful Haitian accent, and long gorgeous braids. We chatted about music, and art while she got started with the scan. As both of us looked at the screen her facial muscles seemed to go lax. I saw what she did too. Big spots all over the screen that even looked like they didn’t belong there. My face went slack too. Anyone who has gotten a test done at a hospital knows that usually the person administering the test cannot tell you the results, that’s what your doctor does in case you have some in depth questions. I’m going out on a limb here, but I am guessing since we had made a connection through similar interests that she placed her hand on my forearm, lightly, as if to say what she needed to without words. “It’s ok. I’m fine.” I said. Truthfully, I didn’t know what to say so that big fat lie left my lips. It was about the farthest thing from ok, and I knew that. So why did I say that? Maybe because I felt the need to console someone who felt sad even though they were sad for me? Soon enough I would come to realize that would soon be the lie I would tell every day to anyone who asked how I was doing.
My doctor called me, from his cell, when he got my images. He didn’t wait for my follow up appointment. He simply scheduled the biopsy. This is where everything starts to get real fun....because I didn’t have health insurance. This is an important factor because these tests are NOT considered to be a life saving procedure- it’s reconnaissance to find out if anything life saving needs to be done. Crazy right? Fucking America. SO I ended up only being able to come up with the amount for the biopsy itself. I couldn’t even reason with the concept of $1000-$2000 for lidocaine. The surgeon performed the biopsy without anesthesia. A needle guided biopsy, which uses an ultrasound, for the doctors to see where they are collecting from. Again, the room fell silent when my image pulls up on the monitor. Six adult human beings all knowing the same thing. Sometimes I wonder how many of them were thinking “Yoooo that’s cancer!!?” I try not to to think about this too much, but laying there, and having to keep myself still with only my force of will was harder than I thought. They took six samples and I was sent home. By this time it is December, and I was working as a studio manager of an Arthur Murray.
December 21st of 2017 I got the phone call from my doctor’s office on a client lunch. I let the phone go to voicemail. I figured I was going to make an appointment or something so I called them back from my parking space at the studio. It was there at around 2:30 in the afternoon that I was diagnosed with Thyroid cancer. I felt numb. I went into work and didn’t tell anyone until after Christmas. There was a huge Christmas dance at the studio and I just didn’t want to ruin it? Sounds insane....I know. I remember going through the parties and get togethers feeling as though I was standing frozen while everyone moved double time around me. “Would this be my last Christmas party?” Came scrolling through my brain at photo ops and gifts being given. “Is this the last gift I’ll be given before I die?” My boss, and coworkers could tell something had shifted in my personality. They asked if I was ok, and the lie bubbled up again, “I’m fine.” I would always reply. A lie I would be telling myself constantly, soon enough. I imagine people assumed I was having relationship struggles, or was feeling under the weather. I don’t think I would have guessed cancer. Certainly not for someone in their 20s.
Breaking the news to my friends, family, and coworkers was a mixed bag of reactions. I told my fiancé, and in the same conversation we decided to end things. (Well. He did. Now that I’m glad he did I like to think I passively agreed with him. I mean, who wants to be with someone who doesn’t want to “deal with” them having cancer and possibly losing them....) There were family members and friends who didn’t believe me, which was the hardest part. It made people I love ask me if I was in some kind of trouble, or needed money because even I agree me having some kind of substance abuse issue is more likely than expecting me to say I have cancer. It hurt and I wish I could say I didn’t lash out at people but I did. A lot. I had four times the amount of hormones needed in my system, and my medical team projected I had cancer silently growing since 2012-2013!!!? That is STILL INSANE TO ME!!! I was a hormonal mess, and anyone who is still in my life I am forever grateful for. Many, many people in my life agree that the change is night and day. Got off track there....where were we? Oh! Right- the biopsy result of my thyroid was clear, but this lead to more tests which showed more red flags which lead to more biopsies which lead to more surgical procedures- and now I am out a decent amount of my bladder, an ovary, my thyroid, parathyroid glands, and lastly some lymph nodes/lymphatic tissue in my neck! I did chemo once and decided to just “melon ball” out the cancer. Chemo was terrible. Disgusting. Frustrating, and made me feel trapped. Radiation was unavoidable but only made me feel trapped so a much better trade off. I did six courses of radiation and then surgery to remove my thyroid. It wasn’t until July 28th of 2019 that I received my result of “clean margins” meaning the cancer was gone. However, my adventure was not. I am now on hormone replacement therapy. No, not the kind that transitions you from female to male or male to female. These are the hormones that help your brain communicate to the rest of your body, functions your metabolism, and many other body system’s functions that are triggered by these hormones. Just like sex hormone replacement therapy you cannot just go to a high dose from nothing. You work your way up to the dose that feels right for you. Turns out after close to ten years with four times the amount of hormones in my system my body runs a bit fast needing a higher dose. I slowly worked my way up from 50MCG to 225MCG. What does that mean? That it took a damn long time for me to feel “like myself again”. I can’t even explain how messed up you will feel if you don’t have the correct amount of those hormones in your body. I had anxiety the likes I had never even heard of before my cancer removal. Afterwards, I was depressed like I had never been before, and I hardly ate anything. I felt so scared or sad all the time I had no desire to do anything. I remember so clearly I would use ALL my body’s inner effort to take care of my cats. I didn’t care about me. There was ZERO drive to do anything other than breathe. Those months after my cancer those surgeries were dark, and honestly defined what misery really is.
I’m now off the rollercoaster and feeling better than I think I can ever remember feeling. I used to have to take Xanax for anxiety, ambien to sleep, and a beta blocker because my resting heart rate would sit in the 110s. Now, I’m happy to say I am not a very anxious person, I no longer have trouble sleeping, and my heart rate is back in the 80s. All three without any medication. I FEEL like me, a me I didn’t know until 2020. A level headed, hard working, and happy person. I have been diagnosed with Atypical Depression since having my hormones leveled out, and I feel like that is the best diagnosis I have gotten for how I feel/how it appears I feel. When I am depressed, simply put, it doesn’t look like what we all imagine depression to manifest as. We think of the sad little Zoloft blob, grey clouds, and slow moving sadness. I dive head first into work, and I force myself to be the polar opposite in appearance than I feel. Sometimes when someone would think I’m on cloud nine I’m actually struggling with thoughts of not being good enough. While it is something I deal with most days it is so much easier to talk about, and ask for help now that my body is not being run by a very hormonal organ taken over by cancer!
I will now take any comments or questions haha! <3 thanks for reading.
TLDR; I kicked cancer’s ass. Bitch ass cancer.