The other thing we learned from the discovery weekend
The Discovery Weekend is a "pre-marriage" seminar sponsored by the CEFAM of Center for Family Ministries. As a marriage requirement, couples are either required to attend the half-day seminars in their parishes or attend other "popular" pre-marriage seminars like the DW. I've heard many couples rave about the "wonders" of the DW, how they claim it was the best thing that happened to their relationship and how that weekend has somehow tested their union. The DW is actually quite infamous for separating couples after going through the weekend and realizing that a marriage is really not for them..
So last August, when Bryan and I got engaged, I immediately signed us up for the Oct. 3-5 weekend. I was looking forward to it, because we would have a whole weekend beginning Friday evening to Sunday afternoon just talking about our relationship and being prepped up for the upcoming marriage. I looked forward to learning things about how to become a supportive wife and him being a responsible father, so after all that drama that ensued leading up to the weekend (the leaves he filed were not granted..blah blah blah)...
.. we finally made it to the DW on Friday night. After dinner, we sat down to the 1st of the many talks that would course through over the weekend, and the first talk was called "FOCUS ON FEELINGS" with a tag-line of "Feelings are neither right or wrong". Bryan and I kept smirking at each other because we have talked about how feelings are misleading and can cause misguidance in relationships. After that talk, a couple went forward and talked about the first fight they ever had because the guy couldn't understand the girl's feelings. Anyway, bryan and I felt like we were listening to 89.1 on a Friday Night (Dr. Love) and couldn't help but wrinkle our noses at how weird the seminar was starting to out. Did I mention that the 1st talk started by the whole group singing a song? "You & I". Hello. I was seriously beginning to doubt this.
So after each talk, couples are asked to write down their thoughts about the talk and the topic along with a series of guide questions. After that, they will ask the couple to sit quietly in a corner and talk about their answers and stuff like that. Each of the questions are followed by another question that goes like this, "HOW DOES THIS MAKE ME FEEL?". I never answered that question.
That night, before going to our separate rooms, Bry and I enjoyed a nice conversation not related to the guide questions but more about how we are past talking about feelings. We both wished that Saturday's talks would be more inspiring and more about how to manage married life with children, etc.
I woke up on Saturday with a fever but still managed to peel myself out of bed and attend breakfast and 2 talks. One talk was about how one couple had a problem when they first got married. The problem was that the husband wanted to live a simple life as a doctor in the province while the wife wanted a more glamorous life that would definitely not be achieved in living in the province. I found this funny. They were together for 5 years and they didn't know that that was what each other wanted? Then the same couple demonstrated how they "fight constructively". And the wife revolved about how the couple resented the father of the husband because they left him a bad business.
I was so turned off with this talk. First of all, the wife said a completely contradictory statement. She said that she's a supportive and caring wife but when they talk about her father-in-law, it's just something she can't be nice about. Isn't that when being supportive and caring is really proven? When you are put in a position you really don't want to be in and yet you still choose to do what is right? I thought to myself, how can this couple preach about a good marriage when they share so much hatred for their father?
After lunch, Bry and I were just becoming more and more disappointed with how the weekend was turning out. My fever was getting worse and my cough was getting more violent so after a 10 minute discussion, we talked to the head of the seminar and said goodbye. They asked us why and we said that it just wasn't what we expected it to be and that we didn't feel it was right for us. For other couples, yes, for us, maybe something else.
The point of the DW was to assure couples that they are ready for marriage and I had a vision of leaving the DW with that feeling and assurance. Our decision to leave for me was an assurance that Bryan and I have the same idea of what a marriage should be about but on our way out of that place, when we got to Commonwealth Ave., Bryan said, "The thing that turned me off the most about it was when I found out that DW was derived from ME (Marriage Enrichment). My parents took ME and it never helped them because it never talked about family values. What they don't realize that we are preparing for families that we are about to have, not about the feelings a couple has" Bry attended some get togethers in Petron and he was looking for more sound advice like, 'no matter how busy you are- make sure you eat dinner with your kids at least once a week, excluding weekends" and I was hoping to hear more advice on "how to keep the romance even with the kids around" and things like that. We discussed it for a few more minutes and that moment, I knew. And I was sure. More sure than I have ever known, that I'm ready to take him as my husband and that he is the man I would like to lead the family that we will soon have.
Well there was one good part about the DW that we really liked. It was during the very beginning when people were asked to go up front and introduce their partner by telling them their most endearing quality. Bryan said, "this is my fiancee pammy, and what i love most about her are her family values and how she brought me closer to God." And I said, "this is my fiance Bryan, and what I love the most about him is that even though he is not the most romantic guy on earth, his love is constant through and through, and something i can always depend on, and I know that no matter what happens,I can always rely on bryan to choose the high road and make decisions that are best for the 2 of us,no matter how difficult it is".
(no offense to people who loved the DW or who have parents who are active in ME, this is just all from our point of view - to each his own ;) )
So last August, when Bryan and I got engaged, I immediately signed us up for the Oct. 3-5 weekend. I was looking forward to it, because we would have a whole weekend beginning Friday evening to Sunday afternoon just talking about our relationship and being prepped up for the upcoming marriage. I looked forward to learning things about how to become a supportive wife and him being a responsible father, so after all that drama that ensued leading up to the weekend (the leaves he filed were not granted..blah blah blah)...
.. we finally made it to the DW on Friday night. After dinner, we sat down to the 1st of the many talks that would course through over the weekend, and the first talk was called "FOCUS ON FEELINGS" with a tag-line of "Feelings are neither right or wrong". Bryan and I kept smirking at each other because we have talked about how feelings are misleading and can cause misguidance in relationships. After that talk, a couple went forward and talked about the first fight they ever had because the guy couldn't understand the girl's feelings. Anyway, bryan and I felt like we were listening to 89.1 on a Friday Night (Dr. Love) and couldn't help but wrinkle our noses at how weird the seminar was starting to out. Did I mention that the 1st talk started by the whole group singing a song? "You & I". Hello. I was seriously beginning to doubt this.
So after each talk, couples are asked to write down their thoughts about the talk and the topic along with a series of guide questions. After that, they will ask the couple to sit quietly in a corner and talk about their answers and stuff like that. Each of the questions are followed by another question that goes like this, "HOW DOES THIS MAKE ME FEEL?". I never answered that question.
That night, before going to our separate rooms, Bry and I enjoyed a nice conversation not related to the guide questions but more about how we are past talking about feelings. We both wished that Saturday's talks would be more inspiring and more about how to manage married life with children, etc.
I woke up on Saturday with a fever but still managed to peel myself out of bed and attend breakfast and 2 talks. One talk was about how one couple had a problem when they first got married. The problem was that the husband wanted to live a simple life as a doctor in the province while the wife wanted a more glamorous life that would definitely not be achieved in living in the province. I found this funny. They were together for 5 years and they didn't know that that was what each other wanted? Then the same couple demonstrated how they "fight constructively". And the wife revolved about how the couple resented the father of the husband because they left him a bad business.
I was so turned off with this talk. First of all, the wife said a completely contradictory statement. She said that she's a supportive and caring wife but when they talk about her father-in-law, it's just something she can't be nice about. Isn't that when being supportive and caring is really proven? When you are put in a position you really don't want to be in and yet you still choose to do what is right? I thought to myself, how can this couple preach about a good marriage when they share so much hatred for their father?
After lunch, Bry and I were just becoming more and more disappointed with how the weekend was turning out. My fever was getting worse and my cough was getting more violent so after a 10 minute discussion, we talked to the head of the seminar and said goodbye. They asked us why and we said that it just wasn't what we expected it to be and that we didn't feel it was right for us. For other couples, yes, for us, maybe something else.
The point of the DW was to assure couples that they are ready for marriage and I had a vision of leaving the DW with that feeling and assurance. Our decision to leave for me was an assurance that Bryan and I have the same idea of what a marriage should be about but on our way out of that place, when we got to Commonwealth Ave., Bryan said, "The thing that turned me off the most about it was when I found out that DW was derived from ME (Marriage Enrichment). My parents took ME and it never helped them because it never talked about family values. What they don't realize that we are preparing for families that we are about to have, not about the feelings a couple has" Bry attended some get togethers in Petron and he was looking for more sound advice like, 'no matter how busy you are- make sure you eat dinner with your kids at least once a week, excluding weekends" and I was hoping to hear more advice on "how to keep the romance even with the kids around" and things like that. We discussed it for a few more minutes and that moment, I knew. And I was sure. More sure than I have ever known, that I'm ready to take him as my husband and that he is the man I would like to lead the family that we will soon have.
Well there was one good part about the DW that we really liked. It was during the very beginning when people were asked to go up front and introduce their partner by telling them their most endearing quality. Bryan said, "this is my fiancee pammy, and what i love most about her are her family values and how she brought me closer to God." And I said, "this is my fiance Bryan, and what I love the most about him is that even though he is not the most romantic guy on earth, his love is constant through and through, and something i can always depend on, and I know that no matter what happens,I can always rely on bryan to choose the high road and make decisions that are best for the 2 of us,no matter how difficult it is".
(no offense to people who loved the DW or who have parents who are active in ME, this is just all from our point of view - to each his own ;) )