it's October!
Hawaii was really great. Probably our best family vacation ever. I only wish I could have stayed longer. 4 days in Maui was certainly not enough! Also, almost everyone was sick and we all went to bed at like 9pm every night. I didn’t get sick until the last day, and I’m just now getting over it. I basically wasted all of this past weekend at home in bed, sleeping for hours, watching that Airbender cartoon, and playing Left 4 Dead/watching Christian play Dragon Age.
Life feels way different now that I have a much tinier social life. I’m not trying to whine about it anymore or anything. I’m just trying to settle into my new rhythm, which includes a lot more downtime. It’s scary b/c my non-stop social life was really a part of my self-actualized identity. And without it, I’m left feeling a bit lost. I feel like I’m peeling away the layers of myself (identity and personality) and rebuilding. My reluctance to do this has been based in a fear that the interesting and fun side is only in the outer layers, as defined by other people, and that the core is just a shitty selfish, confused person. But as I spend each day taking deep breaths, finding peace in what blessings I have, and trying not to be afraid of change, I’m beginning to feel the relief of knowing that my fears are silly and I’m not actually a shitty person. Apparently the middle layers were a lot of self-doubt and insecurity. Nowadays, with love & support from C & family, and faith in myself, I’m certain that I’ll be okay, and that a still-quite-interesting-and-fun Pam is there at the heart.
Baby steps of rebuilding are marks of progress. I‘ve been reading more. I turned down a gig right after Thanksgiving so I could leave the weekend open to spending time w/ family. I’m generally just feeling better about accepting the newly acquired hours and hours of leisure time. You’d think it would be easy, haha! I’m also enjoying my dance classes, and looking for a gym (I’m so flabby, yuck).
That said… October is shaping up to be an extremely busy month! With the new gig proving intermission entertainment for Solas Nua’s Improbable Frequency, I’m performing 2-4 times each week. I also have several friends visiting this month - last week Kristin aka Trixie Sparx swung in for lunch (sadly I was feeling under the weather, but we enjoyed lobster & wine anyhow!), tomorrow my buddy Kris will be in town for work, and at the end of the month I expect to see Mike and several other friends who are coming to DC for the Stewart-Colbert rally (and Halloween!) Plus, C and I are planning a trip to NYC and Philly this weekend… and I’m very excited to be heading back to Chicago for a little visit Oct 14-18, where I will be performing w/ Vaudezilla again at the Lincoln Fair on Friday night!