Somewhere Caught Between Hope
It's been quite an emotionally overwhelming month
and some odd weeks.
I am somewhere I never thought I'd be, caught in
the throes of hope. It's where I feel safe at the moment.
i am also experiencing a strange relief.
Not because we are trying to work things out, but
because for the first time in a long time I am focusing
on me, but able to give the love I want to give.
I'm not asking for advice. I have felt this strange
need to explain myself and my motives and my
feelings and my and my and my...
But I realized the other day. I don't have to.
Soul mates. Did you guys really watch Hedwig?
I have contemplated this subject a lot the past month.
The ideas of science and love. The beauty that is found there, but the knowledge as well.
The addiction we have of each other.
But I am not hell bent on letting this knowledge make me believe that love does not exist in
some pure form. it does, but it's less of the whole soul mate and we were meant for each other
idea...it's a choice.
What starts out as and continues as an addiction forms and reshapes every single day.
All relationships.
We spend so much time trying to make someone happy, trying to prove ourselves to
someone, that we forget about ourselves. We rely on others so much to give us our
happiness and where does that get you, when they leave? Whether by death or
breaking up or moving or...it's devastating is what it is.
And the funny thing is, is that when you make yourself happy, no one can take that away
from you. No one. NO ONE. NO ONE.
When you are in control of your own happiness, you are more free to give love.
You are more free to be vulnerable to others.
I've heard a lot of "Well, god has a plan, and if you guys make it work, blah blah,
god god"
I don't want to love someone because of fear. That's not love. I don't fear god and
I don't fear being alone. So, look deeper than? What is it exactly?
Why am I willing to reach out my hands and my heart again?
Because, I want to. :P And it's my choice.
I have no idea where the future wants me/us to land, but I am not afraid to take
the steps towards something I want with my whole heart.
If it blows up in my face tomorrow, I will be okay. Trust that. Trust me to make my own
decisions. And really, I won't view it as a mistake. This is not a mistake. It's just what
I am doing. Because, at the end of the day I know I am a good person. I am worthy of
love and I am worthy of respect. I am worthy of all of the beautiful things in life.
And no one can take that knowledge away from me.
I am finding out more about myself through this process than I ever have and it's
scary and beautiful and hard. It's really fucking hard to stop mulling over someone
else's missteps and look in that mirror at your own. And I believe in people and
if that's my failing, so be it. If I didn't forgive and believe in the good that people harbor
I would be a lonely sad person. And I have done my fair share of asking for forgiveness.
This summer has really had such a complete life changing effect on me.
When my cousin jumped out of that 18 wheeler, when Charlie spiraled,
when Lola passed away, when my baby cousin was born too early.
Seeing her the other day. Seeing something so alive that was barely over
a lb. That moved me. It moved me to stop worrying about all these little things
and step back and enjoy.
Please do not accept this as my own blind spot. It is by no means a blind spot,
just forgiveness and healing. I have to heal and unlearn a lot on my own with or
without him. I am taking steps to take care of myself and no one can twist my arm,
i have to do this on my own. Just like he does. He has to take these steps on
his own. All of us do really. No matter what those steps are, ultimately your
happiness is in your hands. What you get out of life is what you put into it.
There is no destined pathe that awaits to fall in our lap at the right moment.
It's work and it's love and it's understanding and it's pain and it's death and
it's patience and it's cruel and it's beautiful and it's scary and it's courage and
it's cowardice and it's most of all up to you to make happen.
To sum up this long winded epiphany I am having these days:
I make this decision with my eyes and heart wide open.
It guarantees nothing. I am okay with that.
it's a new kind of odd thing. i can not express the way I feel
properly. It's holding someone's hand and knowing you
love them, not because of what they can do for you, not
because of what they promise, not because of what they
have done, but because you have a hope of something
beautiful. Again, I am not blind. But in order for that beauty
to really shine, we both have a lot of work to do.
okay. Now, on to homework.
yes.
maybe.