I have been appealed to for an update
News:
- I've had a really fun weekend. Ty, Chris, Jess, Mike, Phil: ya'll are swell.
- I weighed myself Saturday night and I weighed 155. That was surprising.
- I have homework to do sometime today.
- Crystal is gone for the weekend. Bum! (inserted just for her viewing pleasure)
- I think we're about to go to the Container Store. I promised Dr. Clarke a candy bucket months ago.
- No hangover today! Yay!
The past weeks have been odd. Christmas break was stressful and too short. It sucks when you go home for a reprieve and you just don't get one. The brother I hadn't seen in a year and half came home for Christmas, and even though he wasn't around a majority of the time, I still nearly wished he hadn't come. If it didn't make mom and dad (and maybe most everyone else) so happy to see him, I wouldn't have missed him. He certainly wasn't home for my sake.
Last night around 9:30(?) I was driving by myself to Kroger for Margarita Mix and thinking about the mood I was in. Honestly, nothing appealed. I didn't really feel like drinking, or seeing Patrick, or sleeping. I don't know what to do with that lost feeling. The only thing that I could think of that would have made me happy at that moment was to make an A on a systems test, or something like that. I guess all I really want right now is to make good grades; although, there is a strong possibility that it runs a bit deeper than that. Perhaps I just want to feel comfortable/confident in my own skin. I haven't felt smart or attractive or even fun in a long time. Where does self-esteem/self confidence stream from? When I say this, I don't mean I want other people to find me to be so. I've discovered that's a temporary balm, and sometimes even a burden. I judge myself from the perspective of being someone outside myself and decide what my opinion of myself would be upon interacting with me. I find that the prospects for enjoying my own company are fairly grim. The odds being somewhere along the lines or 10,762 to 1, and those odds being completely fabricated.
Alas, yet another reason to climb into my classic convertible caddy (yay alliteration!) and drive off into the desert with a change of clothes and some cash and leave everything/everyone else behind. How can I complain when I'm my only companion? - especially with the radio turned up.
- I've had a really fun weekend. Ty, Chris, Jess, Mike, Phil: ya'll are swell.
- I weighed myself Saturday night and I weighed 155. That was surprising.
- I have homework to do sometime today.
- Crystal is gone for the weekend. Bum! (inserted just for her viewing pleasure)
- I think we're about to go to the Container Store. I promised Dr. Clarke a candy bucket months ago.
- No hangover today! Yay!
The past weeks have been odd. Christmas break was stressful and too short. It sucks when you go home for a reprieve and you just don't get one. The brother I hadn't seen in a year and half came home for Christmas, and even though he wasn't around a majority of the time, I still nearly wished he hadn't come. If it didn't make mom and dad (and maybe most everyone else) so happy to see him, I wouldn't have missed him. He certainly wasn't home for my sake.
Last night around 9:30(?) I was driving by myself to Kroger for Margarita Mix and thinking about the mood I was in. Honestly, nothing appealed. I didn't really feel like drinking, or seeing Patrick, or sleeping. I don't know what to do with that lost feeling. The only thing that I could think of that would have made me happy at that moment was to make an A on a systems test, or something like that. I guess all I really want right now is to make good grades; although, there is a strong possibility that it runs a bit deeper than that. Perhaps I just want to feel comfortable/confident in my own skin. I haven't felt smart or attractive or even fun in a long time. Where does self-esteem/self confidence stream from? When I say this, I don't mean I want other people to find me to be so. I've discovered that's a temporary balm, and sometimes even a burden. I judge myself from the perspective of being someone outside myself and decide what my opinion of myself would be upon interacting with me. I find that the prospects for enjoying my own company are fairly grim. The odds being somewhere along the lines or 10,762 to 1, and those odds being completely fabricated.
Alas, yet another reason to climb into my classic convertible caddy (yay alliteration!) and drive off into the desert with a change of clothes and some cash and leave everything/everyone else behind. How can I complain when I'm my only companion? - especially with the radio turned up.