The catalyst of it all.
So...he and I talked on the phone Saturday night. I told him everything that was going on with me. I told him I loved him, and that I was jealous of certain people in his life, and that I wasn't sure if I could even be friends with him anymore. He replied with "I don't know what to tell you, I'm not that way." So I asked him about the moment where he came out to me. He said that it never happened or that I just heard what I wanted to hear. First of all, why would I make shit like that up? Second of all, that sort of attitude doesn't really mesh with how cynical I am, so...I have a tendency to assume the worst. I didn't confront him about the comments he's made about being my boyfriend, or about how touchy-feely he's been with me lately. Perhaps I should have, but I just didn't have it in me.
He asked me "How can I get it through your thick fucking skull that I'm not gay?" I wanted to reply "The minute you stop acting like a total queen when you're around me is the minute I'll stop thinking that." But I didn't. You never pull someone out of the closet.
This has me questioning everything in my life now. It shouldn't but there's a reason it does. I've prayed and prayed about finding the someone in my life. For some reason, everything kept pointing to him. And it's not like I was even really wanting it to. I want to leave him alone and Lord knows I've tried. I've tried sleeping with other people, hoping that'd maybe it'd make me forget about him. But it only made it worse. Everytime I looked for love somewhere else, things (really unusual things at that) kept happening to bring me back to him. And I don't fucking understand it. Lord knows I've tried to leave him alone, but for some reason this won't go away.
The unfortunate part is that I love him unconditionally, and thus am stuck. I can't just stop being his friend. He doesn't want to stop being my friend either, apparently, but...
This has made me question whether I really want to stay here, or if I even want to get my Ph.D. I just feel like moving to somewhere where no one knows me. There were other signs that I thought showed me that this is where I need to be, but apparently the Lord likes playing tricks on me or something.
I can't help but be angry. I can't make sense out of this situation at all. He seemed so happy (for him, anyway) when I told him that I was staying in Lexington. He remembers the most meaningless minutiae about me-shit that I often don't even remember about myself.
He doesn't fool me. I'm not stupid, no matter how stupid he tries to make me feel in regards to this situation. And I'm not crazy-I don't fucking hear shit and feel shit that didn't happen. I don't feel touches that didn't happen. I don't hear words that weren't said.
Maybe I should just become a slut again. It's apparently all I'm good for.
"What you did to me made me see myself something different.
Though I tried to talk sense to myself, but I just wouldn't listen.
Won't you go away and turn yourself in? You're no good at confession,
Before the image that you burn me in tries to teach you a lesson.
What you did to me made me see myself something awful.
A voice once stentorian is now again meek and muffled.
It took me so long to get back up the first time you did it.
Took all I had to get it back but now it seems that I've been outwitted.
My peace and quiet was stolen from me!
When I was looking with calm affection,
You were searching out my imperfections.
What wasted unconditional love
On somebody who doesn't believe in the stuff.
You came upon me like a hypnic jerk when I was just about settled.
And when it counts you recoil with a cryptic word,
And leave a love belitted.
What a cold and common old way to go!
I was feeding on the need for you to know me,
Devastated at the rate you fell below me.
WHAT WASTED UNCONDITIONAL LOVE...
on somebody who doesn't believe in the stuff.
...Oh well."
He asked me "How can I get it through your thick fucking skull that I'm not gay?" I wanted to reply "The minute you stop acting like a total queen when you're around me is the minute I'll stop thinking that." But I didn't. You never pull someone out of the closet.
This has me questioning everything in my life now. It shouldn't but there's a reason it does. I've prayed and prayed about finding the someone in my life. For some reason, everything kept pointing to him. And it's not like I was even really wanting it to. I want to leave him alone and Lord knows I've tried. I've tried sleeping with other people, hoping that'd maybe it'd make me forget about him. But it only made it worse. Everytime I looked for love somewhere else, things (really unusual things at that) kept happening to bring me back to him. And I don't fucking understand it. Lord knows I've tried to leave him alone, but for some reason this won't go away.
The unfortunate part is that I love him unconditionally, and thus am stuck. I can't just stop being his friend. He doesn't want to stop being my friend either, apparently, but...
This has made me question whether I really want to stay here, or if I even want to get my Ph.D. I just feel like moving to somewhere where no one knows me. There were other signs that I thought showed me that this is where I need to be, but apparently the Lord likes playing tricks on me or something.
I can't help but be angry. I can't make sense out of this situation at all. He seemed so happy (for him, anyway) when I told him that I was staying in Lexington. He remembers the most meaningless minutiae about me-shit that I often don't even remember about myself.
He doesn't fool me. I'm not stupid, no matter how stupid he tries to make me feel in regards to this situation. And I'm not crazy-I don't fucking hear shit and feel shit that didn't happen. I don't feel touches that didn't happen. I don't hear words that weren't said.
Maybe I should just become a slut again. It's apparently all I'm good for.
"What you did to me made me see myself something different.
Though I tried to talk sense to myself, but I just wouldn't listen.
Won't you go away and turn yourself in? You're no good at confession,
Before the image that you burn me in tries to teach you a lesson.
What you did to me made me see myself something awful.
A voice once stentorian is now again meek and muffled.
It took me so long to get back up the first time you did it.
Took all I had to get it back but now it seems that I've been outwitted.
My peace and quiet was stolen from me!
When I was looking with calm affection,
You were searching out my imperfections.
What wasted unconditional love
On somebody who doesn't believe in the stuff.
You came upon me like a hypnic jerk when I was just about settled.
And when it counts you recoil with a cryptic word,
And leave a love belitted.
What a cold and common old way to go!
I was feeding on the need for you to know me,
Devastated at the rate you fell below me.
WHAT WASTED UNCONDITIONAL LOVE...
on somebody who doesn't believe in the stuff.
...Oh well."