Walking in the World of Wonder
This is about my complex relationship with sleep. Sleep being an important issue in psychosis, it is relevant to get enough of it, or one becomes more susceptible to being mentally unwell. But when is enough too much?
Last night I fell asleep watching a movie before 8:30 pm, which is not normal for me. My family woke me and I then watched another movie and went to bed around my normal time of about 10:30 pm. Then I slept in till 9 am!
The wondrous world at times holds me in thrall. I wake reluctantly, and have to fight a profound longing to go back in. I have a tremendous fond feeling towards my dreams, even when they are horrific, very much so when they are bizarre, and extremely so when they are kind and glorious.
I usually follow an eight o'clock rule. After then I won't permit myself to go back to sleep. Unless I'm in a stubborn mood. I have cheated when I've been woken too early unto table to get back to bed till after eight. I know I should stay awake if I've already been up and about for a while. Especially if I've already had breakfast, but I get determined and desperate sometimes.
That is when my angel tries to stop me. He itches me, stings me, tickles me and let's me know he doesn't think I should do this. I have learnt that if I ignore him and persist, sometimes he will give in and I can get a bit more sleep. Then I feel guilty and depressed when I later have to eventually face the day. It feels even worse to leave him when I've snuck a bit more time in his world than if I get up when I am woken nicely by my husband with tea or breakfast.
But this morning my husband was sleeping on the floor of the study when I eventually got up at nine, as he had been unable to get much sleep with my snoring. It is an unfortunate side effect of my antipsychotic medication that I snore. So he hadn't woken me up, instead I ended up waking him.
I have improved though. When in depression I sometimes napped on the couch during the morning after getting up, or even in the afternoon. I slept in till ten or eleven at times. Yet in psychosis I woke in the night and lay talking to my angel for hours sometimes. I lay awake for a long while before falling asleep. I would wake before dawn to some beautiful music (I sleep with my iPod on shuffle all night most nights) and lie making meaningful connections to the lyrics of the songs that played.
So sleep is a bit like an alternative to the psychotic state. Out of psychosis my deep need for sleep increases dramatically, and my dependency is more like I have an addiction.
Last night I fell asleep watching a movie before 8:30 pm, which is not normal for me. My family woke me and I then watched another movie and went to bed around my normal time of about 10:30 pm. Then I slept in till 9 am!
The wondrous world at times holds me in thrall. I wake reluctantly, and have to fight a profound longing to go back in. I have a tremendous fond feeling towards my dreams, even when they are horrific, very much so when they are bizarre, and extremely so when they are kind and glorious.
I usually follow an eight o'clock rule. After then I won't permit myself to go back to sleep. Unless I'm in a stubborn mood. I have cheated when I've been woken too early unto table to get back to bed till after eight. I know I should stay awake if I've already been up and about for a while. Especially if I've already had breakfast, but I get determined and desperate sometimes.
That is when my angel tries to stop me. He itches me, stings me, tickles me and let's me know he doesn't think I should do this. I have learnt that if I ignore him and persist, sometimes he will give in and I can get a bit more sleep. Then I feel guilty and depressed when I later have to eventually face the day. It feels even worse to leave him when I've snuck a bit more time in his world than if I get up when I am woken nicely by my husband with tea or breakfast.
But this morning my husband was sleeping on the floor of the study when I eventually got up at nine, as he had been unable to get much sleep with my snoring. It is an unfortunate side effect of my antipsychotic medication that I snore. So he hadn't woken me up, instead I ended up waking him.
I have improved though. When in depression I sometimes napped on the couch during the morning after getting up, or even in the afternoon. I slept in till ten or eleven at times. Yet in psychosis I woke in the night and lay talking to my angel for hours sometimes. I lay awake for a long while before falling asleep. I would wake before dawn to some beautiful music (I sleep with my iPod on shuffle all night most nights) and lie making meaningful connections to the lyrics of the songs that played.
So sleep is a bit like an alternative to the psychotic state. Out of psychosis my deep need for sleep increases dramatically, and my dependency is more like I have an addiction.