Longing....
I hope I can find a way to make myself feel the happiness I felt a few days ago...
No backing out of anything, and have to be outgoing and smile a lot.. I dont know whats up with me lately. I feel soo annoyed or annoying. Its me.. its all my mind. It needs to change before saturday morning or I will have to figure something out.
Anyways...
I ran and ran until my legs wouldnt run anymore and my breathing got too hard. I felt self concious tonight. The reason of it, shouldnt even be a reason, or a good enough reason to make me feel so lonely, so insecure, so ugly, so fat... so worthless. But maybe Im just having a down moment. I dont know Why I love.. I dont. I shouldnt love in this way, I shouldnt admire in this way.. not this person.. no! It bothers me that I can care so much for someone I barely know. I dont think I am in love, maybe I just want to be... All I can focus on is how I need to look a few months from now... Yet it makes me stomach want to eat everything in sight.. yet my mind wants differently. I just need to find my happy medium again. I want to be perfected in a way that a boy will look at me and want me.. a boy will want to take me to a dance, or kiss my lips that I keep soft and smooth... I want to blush at a comment from a boy, I want to hold hands and lay on a grassy hill looking up at stars and talking to a boy forever, maybe some kissing. I feel so lonely. The boy who I wish I didnt like so much... its so hopeless. He lives far away anyways. I want to sleep as much as I can so I can dream about being with a guy who likes me.... Its hard to make myself imagine it when I am awake. I want to be held in someones arms. I want to be kissed on my cheek. I want to be hugged, I want to be wanted and needed...
I keep trying to picture myself beautiful in the eyes of a boy. I keep trying to picture beauty and myself put together. Maybe I will see it as I get closer. I want confidence, But I need a reason to be confident.
All my friends are graduating basically this year. They are so excited for the year to end.. I hate school.. yet I dread the end of this year. I dont know what I will do without my friends. I need them, I love seeing their faces at school, I love hearing them talk to each other and talk to me. I love their laughter, the look in their eyes of sincerity and love. the look that they are dreaming, that there is always more to them, that they have so much to give yet someone needs to ask. I just want to go and sleep in a bed with all of my friends and lay under the sheets and talk for hours and just stay there and feel their warmth and closeness.. I feel safe when they surround me.. I just never want them to leave.. I dont want to cry about it, but I feel totally emotional right now. I want to go with them... but its not my time. I dont want them to move on..
If I could be answered one prayer it would be this: that I could go live with my friends and not have to be left alone in this town. I have my family, yet I feel like my friends are more like my family. I look up to them, yet I feel equal to them. I want to know them so much more, yet I fear that as I know them more.. it will be harder for me to watch them go on with their lives. People say they will always keep in touch.. but I know... how it works. ive been to over 11 different schools and have moved several times. people who live in corvallis.. people who i thought I would be best friends for life with.. i havent heard the sound of their voice or seen them in real life for about a year maybe. and that is only 18 min away.
I want to feel an embrace, I want to feel.... not alone. not lost. I want to feel warmth.
Im done.
No backing out of anything, and have to be outgoing and smile a lot.. I dont know whats up with me lately. I feel soo annoyed or annoying. Its me.. its all my mind. It needs to change before saturday morning or I will have to figure something out.
Anyways...
I ran and ran until my legs wouldnt run anymore and my breathing got too hard. I felt self concious tonight. The reason of it, shouldnt even be a reason, or a good enough reason to make me feel so lonely, so insecure, so ugly, so fat... so worthless. But maybe Im just having a down moment. I dont know Why I love.. I dont. I shouldnt love in this way, I shouldnt admire in this way.. not this person.. no! It bothers me that I can care so much for someone I barely know. I dont think I am in love, maybe I just want to be... All I can focus on is how I need to look a few months from now... Yet it makes me stomach want to eat everything in sight.. yet my mind wants differently. I just need to find my happy medium again. I want to be perfected in a way that a boy will look at me and want me.. a boy will want to take me to a dance, or kiss my lips that I keep soft and smooth... I want to blush at a comment from a boy, I want to hold hands and lay on a grassy hill looking up at stars and talking to a boy forever, maybe some kissing. I feel so lonely. The boy who I wish I didnt like so much... its so hopeless. He lives far away anyways. I want to sleep as much as I can so I can dream about being with a guy who likes me.... Its hard to make myself imagine it when I am awake. I want to be held in someones arms. I want to be kissed on my cheek. I want to be hugged, I want to be wanted and needed...
I keep trying to picture myself beautiful in the eyes of a boy. I keep trying to picture beauty and myself put together. Maybe I will see it as I get closer. I want confidence, But I need a reason to be confident.
All my friends are graduating basically this year. They are so excited for the year to end.. I hate school.. yet I dread the end of this year. I dont know what I will do without my friends. I need them, I love seeing their faces at school, I love hearing them talk to each other and talk to me. I love their laughter, the look in their eyes of sincerity and love. the look that they are dreaming, that there is always more to them, that they have so much to give yet someone needs to ask. I just want to go and sleep in a bed with all of my friends and lay under the sheets and talk for hours and just stay there and feel their warmth and closeness.. I feel safe when they surround me.. I just never want them to leave.. I dont want to cry about it, but I feel totally emotional right now. I want to go with them... but its not my time. I dont want them to move on..
If I could be answered one prayer it would be this: that I could go live with my friends and not have to be left alone in this town. I have my family, yet I feel like my friends are more like my family. I look up to them, yet I feel equal to them. I want to know them so much more, yet I fear that as I know them more.. it will be harder for me to watch them go on with their lives. People say they will always keep in touch.. but I know... how it works. ive been to over 11 different schools and have moved several times. people who live in corvallis.. people who i thought I would be best friends for life with.. i havent heard the sound of their voice or seen them in real life for about a year maybe. and that is only 18 min away.
I want to feel an embrace, I want to feel.... not alone. not lost. I want to feel warmth.
Im done.