(no subject)
How do you deal with grief? My entire life feels like it's been shattered and nothing matters anymore. This is not fair, is all I kept thinking during the funeral. Why does my family have to go through this? We've already been through so much. And now this.
I never even got to say goodbye. Or tell him that we loved him immensely and wished he would sober up and be happy. So many things that I will never say to my father. Now I know why people hope so much for an afterlife. I really hope there is one so I can see him again. At the funeral, seeing him in clothes that weren't his, with his hands forced into a praying posture, his skin grey and his eyes half open, I didn't want to believe that it was him. That this was the first time I was seeing him in months. And the last time I would be seeing him ever. I wanted to run out of the church and refuse the accept that this was happening. Refuse to accept that my life is falling apart and my fathers death would only speed up that process.
I'm so angry that this is happening to my family and me. I hate him for doing this to us and being irresponsible with his life. Fuck. We don't know what we are going to do. We are dead broke and have a house loan to pay off. College fees that need to paid and countless other things that scare the shit out of me. To top it off, all our relatives blame us for his death. Fuck that.
My mother. How is she going to deal with this. She is still in her early 40's and already a widow. My brother is just 11. What kind of world is this? Is this how life is supposed to be? Everyone has everything they need and more. Money, family, careers, cars, a house. We have barely anything and we keep having things taken away from us. If there was a way to sue my life, I would. And I would win. Because this much hardship is just not fair.
I never even got to say goodbye. Or tell him that we loved him immensely and wished he would sober up and be happy. So many things that I will never say to my father. Now I know why people hope so much for an afterlife. I really hope there is one so I can see him again. At the funeral, seeing him in clothes that weren't his, with his hands forced into a praying posture, his skin grey and his eyes half open, I didn't want to believe that it was him. That this was the first time I was seeing him in months. And the last time I would be seeing him ever. I wanted to run out of the church and refuse the accept that this was happening. Refuse to accept that my life is falling apart and my fathers death would only speed up that process.
I'm so angry that this is happening to my family and me. I hate him for doing this to us and being irresponsible with his life. Fuck. We don't know what we are going to do. We are dead broke and have a house loan to pay off. College fees that need to paid and countless other things that scare the shit out of me. To top it off, all our relatives blame us for his death. Fuck that.
My mother. How is she going to deal with this. She is still in her early 40's and already a widow. My brother is just 11. What kind of world is this? Is this how life is supposed to be? Everyone has everything they need and more. Money, family, careers, cars, a house. We have barely anything and we keep having things taken away from us. If there was a way to sue my life, I would. And I would win. Because this much hardship is just not fair.