I am going through changes...
Greetings,
Its official, I now have my DD 214 and Separation Orders from the Army, the journey that first began on July 11, 1991 will end on October 1, 2008. The pain I feel at this moment is beyond any I have felt save 3 things, my father's death, my divorce after 12 years of marriage, and watching my body slowly betray me. I somehow think I will feel in someway incomplete, I have never gone back to war since my aborted attempt in 2005.
I feel barren and empty but I know that is a false emotion. I have a beautiful and loving wife, who I am quite sure do not deserve but hey I am so not complaining. I have good friends to support me in this time and the knowledge that they will be happy to have me home again. Still I shall forever be looking back and wondering if I could have made it to at least 20 years of service. I walk away with nothing save my disablity severance pay that in lieu of any retirement benefits from the Army.
I am proud of all the years I have served in the United States Armed Forces. I have kept my families tradition of service and even sacrificing our bodies during that service. At least 3 consecutive generations of Royka's have served since we got off the damn boat. I wish I could fight again and that I was whole enough to do so at least once more as I still have close brothers and sisters in arms in harms way. But being half-a-soldier would put others in danger and that would be far worse than feeling the way I do now.
Another thing that is making my heart feel like a lead weight within my chest is I have been seeing pictures of my high school classmates after a recent reunion. Yet another I have not attended due to my service and the fact that I really didn't like most of my classmates at all. High School was not fun for me, I was rather awkard and very much an ugly duckling throughout most of it. What was funny is to see how many of them have children.
I will be honest I want a baby so bad it hurts to think about it. I have seen death up close and personal, ladies it is a lie if a man tells you he does not have a biological clock. I can remember with a painful clarity my ex-wife telling me that she never wanted children at all just prior to our divorce. Kate and I have agreed to wait till she finishes graduate school and I support her desire to follow her dreams.
Well I have written enough and I am tired or at least my pain medications have taken affect....Going to attempt sleep soon.
Its official, I now have my DD 214 and Separation Orders from the Army, the journey that first began on July 11, 1991 will end on October 1, 2008. The pain I feel at this moment is beyond any I have felt save 3 things, my father's death, my divorce after 12 years of marriage, and watching my body slowly betray me. I somehow think I will feel in someway incomplete, I have never gone back to war since my aborted attempt in 2005.
I feel barren and empty but I know that is a false emotion. I have a beautiful and loving wife, who I am quite sure do not deserve but hey I am so not complaining. I have good friends to support me in this time and the knowledge that they will be happy to have me home again. Still I shall forever be looking back and wondering if I could have made it to at least 20 years of service. I walk away with nothing save my disablity severance pay that in lieu of any retirement benefits from the Army.
I am proud of all the years I have served in the United States Armed Forces. I have kept my families tradition of service and even sacrificing our bodies during that service. At least 3 consecutive generations of Royka's have served since we got off the damn boat. I wish I could fight again and that I was whole enough to do so at least once more as I still have close brothers and sisters in arms in harms way. But being half-a-soldier would put others in danger and that would be far worse than feeling the way I do now.
Another thing that is making my heart feel like a lead weight within my chest is I have been seeing pictures of my high school classmates after a recent reunion. Yet another I have not attended due to my service and the fact that I really didn't like most of my classmates at all. High School was not fun for me, I was rather awkard and very much an ugly duckling throughout most of it. What was funny is to see how many of them have children.
I will be honest I want a baby so bad it hurts to think about it. I have seen death up close and personal, ladies it is a lie if a man tells you he does not have a biological clock. I can remember with a painful clarity my ex-wife telling me that she never wanted children at all just prior to our divorce. Kate and I have agreed to wait till she finishes graduate school and I support her desire to follow her dreams.
Well I have written enough and I am tired or at least my pain medications have taken affect....Going to attempt sleep soon.