This road is pretty lonley
It's weird, but I'm feeling alone these days. Without a place to interact with other people, the solitary feeling increases 10 fold. Most of the people I know work during the day time, as do most people in life. Much to busy to interact with me so I'm left to my own devices. Like prison, I've resorted to working out through running and karate to pass the time. As a result, my body has become much more weary, and much more prone to rest instead of go out.
Training is lonely...
I run by myself, drill myself, and practice kata by myself. I also fall by myself and pick myself up to keep going. When I feel like giving up I turn around and no one's there, just me and the road, music from my Palm Pre blasting the song's message in my ear.
"-Every star has to fall to make a wish come true-"
I've fallen time and time again. My wish has to come true right? Talking to yourself doesn't help much. Blogging on the other hand feels more therapeutic, maybe someone in the world ANYONE in the world will read this and maybe get what I'm feeling, cause it's a lonely road when you walk a fighter's path, especially when you're the only one who believes in it. Secretly, I think I crave this depressed loneliness. Being alone, being ignored, being underestimated fuels me for improvement. The feelings are powerful, the loneliness and the depression. Sometimes it moves me to tears when I'm alone at night looking into a vacant white ceiling of my bedroom, but I create that place. I shut myself out and feel these intense emotions of isolation because it fuels me in a weird masochistic way. Being alone is terrifying for some. Hell, it scares the shit out of me!
I don't depend on anyone; it's a terrible thought really. Some may envy the independence or praise it, but I think it's not human. Humans generally depend on each other to advance and get through life better and stronger than they were before. It's how I was raised really, to survive on my own -literately-. Help is rarely given to me, and mostly when offered it's rejected because I feel it's a sign of weakness. I explained to my love once that I grew up being kicked when you're down and that's how you got back up. I got bullied, and my mom made fun of me before sending me off to learn how to fight and telling me to beat some ass. However, I wish my family would back me up a little. I mean, I do have a place to live as long as I pay a relatively cheap rent, and food is not a problem either as long as that check comes in. What happens when the checks stop coming? You just pay it back 10 fold... Difficult for sure, but the real life simulator can't get any better than that. I'm often asked why I don't ask for help; it's because of this upbringing that was instilled in my brain since age five when I learned how to cook because no one's gonna be making dinner for a while...
I know what you're thinking, but this ain't no pity train, I'm showing off my scars. I'm damn proud I went through this crap cause it makes me a better person. Dad was right, those things build character.
Still makes you a lonely-ass guy though...
Training is lonely...
I run by myself, drill myself, and practice kata by myself. I also fall by myself and pick myself up to keep going. When I feel like giving up I turn around and no one's there, just me and the road, music from my Palm Pre blasting the song's message in my ear.
"-Every star has to fall to make a wish come true-"
I've fallen time and time again. My wish has to come true right? Talking to yourself doesn't help much. Blogging on the other hand feels more therapeutic, maybe someone in the world ANYONE in the world will read this and maybe get what I'm feeling, cause it's a lonely road when you walk a fighter's path, especially when you're the only one who believes in it. Secretly, I think I crave this depressed loneliness. Being alone, being ignored, being underestimated fuels me for improvement. The feelings are powerful, the loneliness and the depression. Sometimes it moves me to tears when I'm alone at night looking into a vacant white ceiling of my bedroom, but I create that place. I shut myself out and feel these intense emotions of isolation because it fuels me in a weird masochistic way. Being alone is terrifying for some. Hell, it scares the shit out of me!
I don't depend on anyone; it's a terrible thought really. Some may envy the independence or praise it, but I think it's not human. Humans generally depend on each other to advance and get through life better and stronger than they were before. It's how I was raised really, to survive on my own -literately-. Help is rarely given to me, and mostly when offered it's rejected because I feel it's a sign of weakness. I explained to my love once that I grew up being kicked when you're down and that's how you got back up. I got bullied, and my mom made fun of me before sending me off to learn how to fight and telling me to beat some ass. However, I wish my family would back me up a little. I mean, I do have a place to live as long as I pay a relatively cheap rent, and food is not a problem either as long as that check comes in. What happens when the checks stop coming? You just pay it back 10 fold... Difficult for sure, but the real life simulator can't get any better than that. I'm often asked why I don't ask for help; it's because of this upbringing that was instilled in my brain since age five when I learned how to cook because no one's gonna be making dinner for a while...
I know what you're thinking, but this ain't no pity train, I'm showing off my scars. I'm damn proud I went through this crap cause it makes me a better person. Dad was right, those things build character.
Still makes you a lonely-ass guy though...