pma at the bk? alyssalove
burger kind is terrible. i had THE worst day ever there on saturday. I basically woke up sick and probably shouldn't have gone in the first place but my parents weren't home and i knew they'd be angry if i 'blew it off'. So i had to walk there even though it's not far and then as the day progressed i felt like i was gonna puke and in doing so my throat would be ripped to shreds more than it already felt like and my head was going to explode. on top of that kevin was there and he makes me mess up so much. i do perfectly fine when lilianna is there she even tells me i do a good job! not with kevin. i got yelled at by customers and then kevin had a ten minute fued with some woman over my mistake. i kind of loved him for a split second when he stood up for me but that was about it. as STUPID as this seems, i just feel dumb there. i know that when people go into fast food places or other shit equivalent to that they already have a stereotype of who will be at the register. I have gained such respect for the people i work with. it really sounds ridiculous but i am one who woukd have once stereotyped and now i feel inferior to these people i should prevail over. And i learned an interesting lesson from this job, not about hard work about always keeping an open mind about people no matter what. People are just people. And you need to give them more credit than you anticipate.
This summer has been so weird. There was about a week where i was really broken down and just probably the most upset i've even been but strangely i feel ok now. well i'm not ok under any means, but the feeling i have right now is completely confusing. You hear more times than enough about things happening for a reason and that it's not worth regretting or dwelling on. In some sense i believe all of this but at the same time i just can't live with myself. i can not. Not about what happened but how it happened. and that i know things could be so different. You don't always get that chance though and then you just have to live with it. And there's no point in regretting it even if you wanted to.
I miss people. I miss when things weren't really this important. Everyone makes mistakes but there are just different levels of impact which occur at different points in your life. Highschool sucks in that respect. But at the same time you make mistakes for a reason. And if it's true what they say about highschool, if it's supposedly where you begin the evolution into the person you are to be, well then thses mistakes are all for a reason. They prompt change, renewal, growth, and make you think. I can;t validate any of this but i'm making a vow to myself that at the end of this summer if i am not able to resolve confilict than i will simply use it in a productive way. Learn from everything and improve from the fall. I feel so changed already so maybe this is only the beginning.
This upcoming year scares me. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being overwhelmed, of having to deal with the continuation of conflicts, of more change, of life-changing decissions, and most of all the person i will be when i come out of it all.
I remember being in 6th grade and thinking to myself "i wonder what i'll be like when i'm 16. I wonder what i'll look like, who i'll be friends with, and what will be different. How will it be to have a permit and a later curfew" And now i'm here. I'm approaching my junior year in highschool. The year, as a freshmen, i convinced myself would take ages. I assume kids dread this year for a reason but as much as i'm tld it sucks and it will be the hardest thing of your life, I know that i have to do it. This is where it counts this is what eveything has been leading up to. Everything in your life has been structured around this year and you getting in to college. And as i know this is exactly what everyone else hears and not just me, this fucking pisses me off. Why is our society like this. Why is EVERYTHING i've ever done only been done for this sole purpose. Why must one year decide the rest of my following. I just don't understand. I know i have no say and can't change it obviously i just can't imagine. i can't imagine it makes sense.
Now, i will just ignore my inner feelings against this and push my way through and i know i will come out accomplished. Not because i hvae to, but because i know that's the person i am. I don't have a problem admitting that i want to go to college and get a good job and be successful it just dissapoints me that everything else is so socially unacceptable. It's because of this that such a large amount of pressure is put upon us all. I just wish there were options, that you could really make your own decisions.
Despite what i feel i am still going into this year with a positive outlook and ready to work. It's not so much about getting into college though it's more because i know i've been lazy in the past. I want to earn my grades, i want to get good grades in all my classes. I want to work extremely hard in practice like i used to before i got into a slump where i admit to being a slacker and was somehow OK with it. I want to improve my times, not to please my parents who are pushing this to get recruited, but for myself. i know i am such a determined, hard worker and it shames met hat i have let this all not be present in the past years. I don't know much about who i am, and as i said before i'm still on my road of self discovery, but these are two character traits that i am positive represnt who i am.
I should have known this summer was going to be different, it started with colorado. Probably one of the best experiences of my life and at the same time it probably began a transformation of who i will be.
I leave for Ireland on friday and i am more than excited. I love traveling, I love experiencing new things. This summer has thrown me for ups and downs but I'm done writting. I haven't written for so long and this felt good. I dont are if y ou read it or not and i don't really care what you think of it. I have work tomorrow and i secretly miss swimming. I can't wait to get away from this all. I just want to be. And that's all i can ask for.
i miss this
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