What do you do with the leftover you?
Yesterday the boys finally crashed, their phones were off because they were sleeping. I'm so glad he finally took a day and is taking care of himself. He went to bed at 11pm the night before and slept until 4pm the following day. I'm happy he took a day. Was kind of hoping the phones were off cause they were on their way home, and in a way I guess that would have been nice, but it would have been pretty bad, too. I don't like him being so far away but he needs to be there making money and this may be the steady job to help him back to where he wants to be. I keep my fingers crossed for that every day even if everyone thinks I'd rather keep him here close to me out of selfishness. Anyway...
So the plus to the day is that it's the first day that daylight savings has really hit me. AND I LOVE IT! I have a 5:30 class and it's so much less daunting and depressing when you come outside and there is still light. I'm a miserable person in winter, which is why I really need to move to Florida or Hawaii or warm California so there is always sun and spring and summer. Even the rain smells better in those seasons.
The down. I'm still very broken hearted. I'm in a bind. And I'm not sure of everything that I'm giving up for everything that I'm fighting for. You always hear people saying sometimes if you truly love someone you'll let them go. And I can't figure out who it is I need to let go and why it is that you can't love the people that you end up loving and how you let them go when you still love them so much.
Micah and I are fine. Things aren't like they were before it all happened, which was to be expected. He doesn't let himself care about me quite the same and it hurts and I can feel the difference. It's something we both acknowledge, but I know it's only been 2 months and after hurting each other the ways that we did, it's going to take time to love each other like we used to. What scares me is not knowing if that's possible. Especially when it seems everyday something arises to test us. We love each other very much, but it doesn't contain the wreckless abandon it used to. It's hard because I don't want to let him go, I love him so much. And I know he would be hurt if I left him, but he would pretend it didn't and I would try to convince myself it was the right thing, but it wouldn't make either of us happy. But then I think to myself that he may never be able to believe he can be the man I know he can be and I know he is. He isn't sure that he wants the things he was so sure he wanted just months ago. Maybe it's the hurt talking, and for now I'm willling to stick around and find out, but these thoughts keep my guard up, too. The time we spend together usually ends up being the best, but it's so little. I wish there was more of it, it would help so much in building back up with one another and learning how to trust and love each other all over again. Becuase we truly do love each other and like each other. He is more than just a boyfriend, he is one of my best friends. I love the time I spend with him, and it's always the best time I have in as long as I can remember. I'll be spending next weekend (my birthday and Easter) in New Orleans with him. I'm EXTREMELY excited. It's going to be wonderful time for us.
The real problem is here with MacKenzie. In all my fighting for my happiness and being with Micah, her and I have had more fights than ever before in our years of friendship. In fact all the fights we have ever had in our friendship have been this year. The first she was unhappy and I was spending so much time with him she felt left out and neglected. The second was unavoidable, it was with that whole break. The third is HUGE. Randy doesn't like me, he hasn't ever really, and Micah doesn't seem to care much. I thought Randy and I just kinda didn't so much like each other that much and we had an understanding that we respected each other and didn't have to get along just to love the same two people. As it turns out he dislikes me enough to bad mouth me to my best friend. He has mentioned to her that he thinks I am a rich and selfish brat. That I'm not nice enough/ good enough to Micah. (I don't really care about this opinion (since Micah has made it clear he somewhat disagrees...he is however still with me, still in it, still working, and yet he still respects his friendship with Randy.) What hurt me was he had the nerve to mention to her that he thinks I am a bad friend to her and that she should distance herself from me. WOW! I still haven't figured out how to respond to this. I miss my best friend, and she has been dealing with so much since things with me have been going crazy. And the thing is my life and my relationship with Micah shouldn't be affecting her relationship. And my relationship with her I would not want affecting her relationship either. I want her to be happy. I don't want to see her hurting. And again I'm put in a position where being with someone makes me happy and makes them happy, but maybe it's just hurting everyone in the end. I don't know what she said to defend me, and all I needed her to say to me was straight up, I told you 'cause I thought you should know and I don't agree with what he said. I want to still hang out with you and I will fight this battle with him. She told me that, but she said it in a way like I would be a secret and all in all I would still be hurting her relationship and her in all these ways I don't want to.
Even though I don't agree with his opinion, it nonetheless is something that he believes and has told her he believes. What if I prove him right one day, what if I haven't been the friend I thought I was. I don't really believe any of that but I know that I'm losing hold of all the things that I have come to love so much, and I don't know if I should be holding on or letting go, because either way I end up hurt and so do the people I love.
So the plus to the day is that it's the first day that daylight savings has really hit me. AND I LOVE IT! I have a 5:30 class and it's so much less daunting and depressing when you come outside and there is still light. I'm a miserable person in winter, which is why I really need to move to Florida or Hawaii or warm California so there is always sun and spring and summer. Even the rain smells better in those seasons.
The down. I'm still very broken hearted. I'm in a bind. And I'm not sure of everything that I'm giving up for everything that I'm fighting for. You always hear people saying sometimes if you truly love someone you'll let them go. And I can't figure out who it is I need to let go and why it is that you can't love the people that you end up loving and how you let them go when you still love them so much.
Micah and I are fine. Things aren't like they were before it all happened, which was to be expected. He doesn't let himself care about me quite the same and it hurts and I can feel the difference. It's something we both acknowledge, but I know it's only been 2 months and after hurting each other the ways that we did, it's going to take time to love each other like we used to. What scares me is not knowing if that's possible. Especially when it seems everyday something arises to test us. We love each other very much, but it doesn't contain the wreckless abandon it used to. It's hard because I don't want to let him go, I love him so much. And I know he would be hurt if I left him, but he would pretend it didn't and I would try to convince myself it was the right thing, but it wouldn't make either of us happy. But then I think to myself that he may never be able to believe he can be the man I know he can be and I know he is. He isn't sure that he wants the things he was so sure he wanted just months ago. Maybe it's the hurt talking, and for now I'm willling to stick around and find out, but these thoughts keep my guard up, too. The time we spend together usually ends up being the best, but it's so little. I wish there was more of it, it would help so much in building back up with one another and learning how to trust and love each other all over again. Becuase we truly do love each other and like each other. He is more than just a boyfriend, he is one of my best friends. I love the time I spend with him, and it's always the best time I have in as long as I can remember. I'll be spending next weekend (my birthday and Easter) in New Orleans with him. I'm EXTREMELY excited. It's going to be wonderful time for us.
The real problem is here with MacKenzie. In all my fighting for my happiness and being with Micah, her and I have had more fights than ever before in our years of friendship. In fact all the fights we have ever had in our friendship have been this year. The first she was unhappy and I was spending so much time with him she felt left out and neglected. The second was unavoidable, it was with that whole break. The third is HUGE. Randy doesn't like me, he hasn't ever really, and Micah doesn't seem to care much. I thought Randy and I just kinda didn't so much like each other that much and we had an understanding that we respected each other and didn't have to get along just to love the same two people. As it turns out he dislikes me enough to bad mouth me to my best friend. He has mentioned to her that he thinks I am a rich and selfish brat. That I'm not nice enough/ good enough to Micah. (I don't really care about this opinion (since Micah has made it clear he somewhat disagrees...he is however still with me, still in it, still working, and yet he still respects his friendship with Randy.) What hurt me was he had the nerve to mention to her that he thinks I am a bad friend to her and that she should distance herself from me. WOW! I still haven't figured out how to respond to this. I miss my best friend, and she has been dealing with so much since things with me have been going crazy. And the thing is my life and my relationship with Micah shouldn't be affecting her relationship. And my relationship with her I would not want affecting her relationship either. I want her to be happy. I don't want to see her hurting. And again I'm put in a position where being with someone makes me happy and makes them happy, but maybe it's just hurting everyone in the end. I don't know what she said to defend me, and all I needed her to say to me was straight up, I told you 'cause I thought you should know and I don't agree with what he said. I want to still hang out with you and I will fight this battle with him. She told me that, but she said it in a way like I would be a secret and all in all I would still be hurting her relationship and her in all these ways I don't want to.
Even though I don't agree with his opinion, it nonetheless is something that he believes and has told her he believes. What if I prove him right one day, what if I haven't been the friend I thought I was. I don't really believe any of that but I know that I'm losing hold of all the things that I have come to love so much, and I don't know if I should be holding on or letting go, because either way I end up hurt and so do the people I love.