Not the entry I was planning to make...
...but the one I have to make. Right now, I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. Both my cats required an emergency vet visit a couple of weeks ago. Val, my Norwegian Forest Cat mix, had what I thought was a bad toe injury that occurred while I was out of town and helping a friend pull the engine on their car. I thought they may have gotten into one of my boxes of car parts while I was clearing house and injured it. Belle, my Siamese mix, had also developed a case of the 'sneezies'; I noticed Val had been sneezing a bit but had recovered. This spurred a series of other vet visits where Belle was getting better but Val's paw wasn't. My normal vet was getting concerned and asked if I could get him in for some chest X-rays earlier last week.
Unfortunately, I don't have much in the way of good news. It was determined that Val has what is called lung-digit syndrome; a rare type of lung cancer that metastases to the toes and feet. There really isn't anything that can be done at this point other than make him comfortable. Right now he's laying next to me; I just gave him some pain meds. He's tired and I can tell he's losing interest in food(his favorite thing; he'd come after my meals if I wasn't careful).
This is going to be very difficult as he's been a vital part of my support network over the past twelve years. I got him about a month and a half after my previous cat(Star, also a longhair tabby that a friend 'gave up' after moving out of state) passed away. At the time I had been sucked into the worst relationship I've ever been in; a girl I met off of Pounced who moved in with me and became verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive. She brought a kitten into the relationship very shortly before Star passed. I think she wanted another kitten so she talked me into adopting one. However, while she had her sights set on getting a little calico kitten in the kitten pen I wanted to look at other cats.
One of the cages had a young cat with a cagemate who was sick. He was longhaired, mostly white but with tabby spots that instantly reminded me of Star. He came right up to me and meowed for attention. Breaking the rules I reached out for him and he tried to rub his cheek against my fingers through the bars. I broke into tears; much as I am doing right now. My ex huffed and stamped her feet, but I insisted to get a closer look at him. I brought him home the same day.
My ex insisted that he stay locked in my office; the coldest room of the house due to a lot of glass and not really being connected to much of the heater system. She didn't want him around her kitten, especially as he had a kitten cold. However, this continued well after the point he got better and wasn't contagious. On the rare occasions he snuck out she yelled and stamped at him, she frightened him with stuffed animals, and I caught her trying to make it look like he ran off. Other times I remained locked in my office with him on my lap while she screamed at me through the door. Our bond came about because of a sociopathic, abusive young lady whom I want absolutely nothing to do with.
I couldn't do much to kick her out; due to the laws at the time she was legally a tenant and I couldn't kick her out without going through an eviction process(which I was afraid she would do something to the house, me, or Val had I done so). My only recourse was to make things miserable for her. By that point I had been slapped and kicked several times, yelled at, cheated on, and had my knee dislocated(an injury that took years to heal). I ended up making things difficult for her to the point where she left out of the blue. When I came home I was worried that she had taken Val with her; thankfully she hadn't.
Throughout the years Val has been a constant. Through major family turmoil, bad breakups, very bad days at work, career changes, dealing with a lot of trauma, and the loss of friends he's been by my side. While I have my other cat, Belle(who was an emergency rescue about a month after my ex left), I didn't develop as deep a bond with her as I did with Val. That's not to say I don't care for her, but Val's been the one who has somehow sensed when I was in pain and been there as a comforting presence whenever I needed it.
I'm not going to beat around the bush. I've lived alone practically my entire adult life. My skills and success rate in relationships is practically zero. I gave up on the whole dating thing years ago and have found the dating pool to be incredibly toxic, so there's no real chance in finding companionship there. I'm also a very private person and don't really spend much time with family or friends; my interaction with people outside of work is minimal. To some people, he would be just a cat. To me, Val's part of my family. I know this is going to hurt, and hurt badly. Belle's doing okay but she's only about a year younger than Val. I have to come to terms that she won't be around forever, either. I don't deal with loss or grief very well; that's something about me that's not going to change. It hits everyone hard, but I think it hits me harder than most.
I don't think I'll be getting another kitten after Val passes. Belle doesn't get along with other cats and my moving date is going to be next October. It isn't fair for me to put Belle through the stress of another cat in the house on top of moving. It's not likely I'll get a kitten after Belle passes, either. I think I need to come to terms with being completely alone for a while. I understand that's not what people like to hear, but I think I need it.
I'm reaching the point where my folks are getting older and I never really developed strong bonds with my other family. I completely missed the boat on relationships and marriage; a combination of my 'angry young man' years and my complete refusal to have children. I'm shit at maintaining relationships with friends; even my closest friends I see a couple of times a year at most. I'm also outliving my pets. It's a grim outlook, I'm not going to lie. But it's my outlook, and my choices that led me to this point. Life happens differently for us all. Cherish what you've got while you have it, because you never know when it's going to be gone for good.
Unfortunately, I don't have much in the way of good news. It was determined that Val has what is called lung-digit syndrome; a rare type of lung cancer that metastases to the toes and feet. There really isn't anything that can be done at this point other than make him comfortable. Right now he's laying next to me; I just gave him some pain meds. He's tired and I can tell he's losing interest in food(his favorite thing; he'd come after my meals if I wasn't careful).
This is going to be very difficult as he's been a vital part of my support network over the past twelve years. I got him about a month and a half after my previous cat(Star, also a longhair tabby that a friend 'gave up' after moving out of state) passed away. At the time I had been sucked into the worst relationship I've ever been in; a girl I met off of Pounced who moved in with me and became verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive. She brought a kitten into the relationship very shortly before Star passed. I think she wanted another kitten so she talked me into adopting one. However, while she had her sights set on getting a little calico kitten in the kitten pen I wanted to look at other cats.
One of the cages had a young cat with a cagemate who was sick. He was longhaired, mostly white but with tabby spots that instantly reminded me of Star. He came right up to me and meowed for attention. Breaking the rules I reached out for him and he tried to rub his cheek against my fingers through the bars. I broke into tears; much as I am doing right now. My ex huffed and stamped her feet, but I insisted to get a closer look at him. I brought him home the same day.
My ex insisted that he stay locked in my office; the coldest room of the house due to a lot of glass and not really being connected to much of the heater system. She didn't want him around her kitten, especially as he had a kitten cold. However, this continued well after the point he got better and wasn't contagious. On the rare occasions he snuck out she yelled and stamped at him, she frightened him with stuffed animals, and I caught her trying to make it look like he ran off. Other times I remained locked in my office with him on my lap while she screamed at me through the door. Our bond came about because of a sociopathic, abusive young lady whom I want absolutely nothing to do with.
I couldn't do much to kick her out; due to the laws at the time she was legally a tenant and I couldn't kick her out without going through an eviction process(which I was afraid she would do something to the house, me, or Val had I done so). My only recourse was to make things miserable for her. By that point I had been slapped and kicked several times, yelled at, cheated on, and had my knee dislocated(an injury that took years to heal). I ended up making things difficult for her to the point where she left out of the blue. When I came home I was worried that she had taken Val with her; thankfully she hadn't.
Throughout the years Val has been a constant. Through major family turmoil, bad breakups, very bad days at work, career changes, dealing with a lot of trauma, and the loss of friends he's been by my side. While I have my other cat, Belle(who was an emergency rescue about a month after my ex left), I didn't develop as deep a bond with her as I did with Val. That's not to say I don't care for her, but Val's been the one who has somehow sensed when I was in pain and been there as a comforting presence whenever I needed it.
I'm not going to beat around the bush. I've lived alone practically my entire adult life. My skills and success rate in relationships is practically zero. I gave up on the whole dating thing years ago and have found the dating pool to be incredibly toxic, so there's no real chance in finding companionship there. I'm also a very private person and don't really spend much time with family or friends; my interaction with people outside of work is minimal. To some people, he would be just a cat. To me, Val's part of my family. I know this is going to hurt, and hurt badly. Belle's doing okay but she's only about a year younger than Val. I have to come to terms that she won't be around forever, either. I don't deal with loss or grief very well; that's something about me that's not going to change. It hits everyone hard, but I think it hits me harder than most.
I don't think I'll be getting another kitten after Val passes. Belle doesn't get along with other cats and my moving date is going to be next October. It isn't fair for me to put Belle through the stress of another cat in the house on top of moving. It's not likely I'll get a kitten after Belle passes, either. I think I need to come to terms with being completely alone for a while. I understand that's not what people like to hear, but I think I need it.
I'm reaching the point where my folks are getting older and I never really developed strong bonds with my other family. I completely missed the boat on relationships and marriage; a combination of my 'angry young man' years and my complete refusal to have children. I'm shit at maintaining relationships with friends; even my closest friends I see a couple of times a year at most. I'm also outliving my pets. It's a grim outlook, I'm not going to lie. But it's my outlook, and my choices that led me to this point. Life happens differently for us all. Cherish what you've got while you have it, because you never know when it's going to be gone for good.