Some explanations are needed.
There are times where I feel like I'm going completely off the rails, lashing out at everyone and everything I feel is a threat to my lifestyle or mental state. I really don't know why that is, but I do know that I'm starting to slip into one of those states.
I won't mince words here. I've been dealing with mental illness for the vast majority of my life, and sometimes my self-control just loses the battle and I'm about the worst person to be around. I really can't tell anyone where any of this started or what I choose to blame for it; those are arbitrary questions at best and don't really solve anything. I keep quiet about what struggles I've been through because I feel that nobody deserves to be burdened with them. I'm not a perfect person, nor am I one to base any sort of generalization of normalcy on.
I push people away by many means, either by being distant or misdirection. I know there was someone who was mildly interested in me recently, possibly in a romantic sense. We did go out on what could be construed as a couple of dates, although I started backing off. There were a couple of inconsistencies with my lifestyle and hers, and I'm not the type of person who tries to change another. I've recently learned not to let another try to change me, so it ended up being brought down gently. I now understand that my unwillingness to compromise or fight for a relationship are two major reasons why I have such a lack of success in the dating arena. I'll be honest here; the longest experiences I've had haven't even lasted six months. I'm 32. All of the friends I've known since high school(or being more generous, since my early 20s) are either married or are in stable, long-term relationships. Even the handful that are single have had at least one of those under the belt. Me? I'm starting to realize that mentally, I'm unable to handle it. Yes, the being alone gets to me sometimes, but I realize that I'm used to it so I regard this as 'normal' to me. There are times where I will go weeks without contacting anyone outside of work. I make sure I shop for groceries late at night because I don't want to be bothered by anyone. I live alone and it has been at least four years since I've even had someone over to visit, with the exceptions of now ex-partners. My latest ex was the only person to have set foot in this house besides myself and my mother since 2011. It's been over five years since I've had friends regularly over.
Sometimes a part of my mind fools myself with the idea of selling most everything I own, saving for a few months, packing what little would remain into my car and just leaving, never to be seen here again. However, I know that won't solve anything and create far more problems than it would ever solve. The fresh start wouldn't last long, and I'm the kind of person who would find some way of mucking it up. There's not much of a way out for me so here I remain, despite how much the open road begs me to attack it with my GT-Four. As I mentioned that's not a feasible or logical act, so I keep myself from doing it. However, I wonder if one day I wake up to find myself starting to go to work just to head in the opposite direction, going anywhere but here.
I really have no major plan for life, and I doubt I'll ever be forward thinking enough to have one. I can plan maybe a couple of years out, but my life has been chaotic to the point where I have said 'why bother?' to trying to think even five years out. Five years ago today I was working for the family business, in what would be a short term, explosive rebound relationship with someone I have zero contact with now, surrounded by friends who have fled to all corners of the Earth... living from paycheck to paycheck and overall trying to survive. I had my '91 Acura Legend primed and ready at all times, able to drop everything at a single text or phone call and head out anywhere to see friends. Now? I'm making more money now than I ever had before and am definitely not living paycheck to paycheck, I've got a GT-Four back in my possession, but no real time to enjoy her. Weeks like these I'm tied to an electronic leash, just a dog waiting to be called by someone with an issue I need to fix. I feel like I'm giving my life to my job but not really getting myself back in return. Is this all that life is? A struggle against the clock, wasting your identity to survive and try to thrive until you end up in a box somewhere? It's a very bleak outlook but I have to see it like that. Where's the satisfaction supposed to come from?
So, I fill things up with distraction. That's about what I have at this point. I've decided to actively dissuade any potential partners that come along; I already know how the story will end anyway. I'll try to reconnect with friends, but in all honesty I'm not having much luck. I'm sure some of them have given up on me, and I don't exactly blame them... it's hard keeping up with someone who might hang out with their closest friends a handful of times a year. It's very difficult to get the motivation to go out, especially on weekday nights during which I work and most of my friends do not. I've noticed that most of my friends have different interests than me which also make it a bit difficult. While I'm a major PC hardware geek I'm not interested in multiplayer gaming, especially MMOs. Most of the friends I have that game play MMOs almost exclusively, and those that don't play online shooters. I exclusively play single-player games; it's decompression time away from people. I have gone out to a few car meets, but I've come to notice that a very good chunk of the attendees are younger and looking to race on the streets. I've already had to tell a few people who wanted me to run them to back off. I'm there to check out some nice cars; I don't have to prove myself.
I understand that a lot of this disconnect is purely my fault, but at the same time it's my nature. At this point it would be easier on me to give up on being social entirely. And perhaps that's the consequence of growing older; my mind and body is telling me that I need to settle down and withdraw, but I have nothing to settle down with except a couple of cats and a very rare car. As I've mentioned time and time again over the years I have no wish to have children and the mild interest in getting married has dwindled to be placed in the pile of 'dreams' that I've cast off as impractical and unobtainable. Sometimes I wonder if I've made some unknown, invisible decision somewhere that screwed up my entire life and I'm simply going through the motions. Not a pretty thing to think about, but this is the reality of things. Most people sugarcoat their life experiences; I prefer not to. I have to do it so much at work and in social situations that I've just simply given up. This place is one of the few outlets where I can tell it how it really is, without family members and friends coming down on me asking what's wrong and stuffing enough platitudes down my throat that I would choke. I don't want sympathy, nor do I want comments and 'likes' about my personal struggle. A click of the button and a stock 'I'm thinking of you' is very hollow comfort when you've heard it a thousand times before. What I find morbidly amusing about modern society is the concept of social media in the first place. We say we're connecting with people, but in reality we're increasingly distancing ourselves behind our monitors and smartphone screens; the sole purpose of what we put out there being to get other people to click that thumb's up button. Instead of reaching for the phone with the intent to call someone we tap some words out and send it along. What we call connection really isn't; it's a massive disconnect that I'm also guilty of. And it's one I'm sick of.
It's increasingly made me feel online exactly how I felt when trying to be social in real life. How, you may ask? It's simple. Every time I'm at a gathering of people, I am the odd man out. I'm not talked to. I'm not approached. I simply blend into the background. I'm simply the background noise to everyone else's good time. My last refuge was this wild blue nowhere; this place where with the click of a button and no real effort I could genuinely connect with others who felt like me, thought like me, shared my interests and perhaps even thought of me as a kindred spirit. However with the advent of Facebook, Twitter, and all of that stuff the connections started to disappear. The closer we can get to each other the farther we withdraw. And that leaves me feeling I have no refuge left.
As before, I don't want sympathy or stock answers. I'm not taking the time to write this for all of that. This is the struggle that I live every day but never even feel like talking about. There are times I wish I could cry, get angry... something... but the tears just won't come and the anger stays locked away. It's replaced with this overwhelming sense of apathy that simply saps the joy out of everything I do or say. I try to empathize with others who try to express the struggle they go through, but my efforts fall far too short. There are people I wish I could connect with because they actually feel like kindred spirits, but every time I try to reach out I'm rebuked by the dreaded wall of silence which I take as disapproval of my actions and words. I'm held back because I simply don't understand the small social nuances and faux pases that litter our lives like an emotional minefield. One small step and a small thread of connection is severed forever without me being aware I've done anything wrong.
And that's why I'm starting to detest what this society has become. I feel like I'm completely irrelevant and unable to add anything to anyone's life. I really have no greater purpose in life, and I lack the skills, time and motivation to seek one out. So, that's why I sit here typing. Perhaps if I get the words on paper and off of my chest I'll feel a bit better. So far it's not helping.
I won't mince words here. I've been dealing with mental illness for the vast majority of my life, and sometimes my self-control just loses the battle and I'm about the worst person to be around. I really can't tell anyone where any of this started or what I choose to blame for it; those are arbitrary questions at best and don't really solve anything. I keep quiet about what struggles I've been through because I feel that nobody deserves to be burdened with them. I'm not a perfect person, nor am I one to base any sort of generalization of normalcy on.
I push people away by many means, either by being distant or misdirection. I know there was someone who was mildly interested in me recently, possibly in a romantic sense. We did go out on what could be construed as a couple of dates, although I started backing off. There were a couple of inconsistencies with my lifestyle and hers, and I'm not the type of person who tries to change another. I've recently learned not to let another try to change me, so it ended up being brought down gently. I now understand that my unwillingness to compromise or fight for a relationship are two major reasons why I have such a lack of success in the dating arena. I'll be honest here; the longest experiences I've had haven't even lasted six months. I'm 32. All of the friends I've known since high school(or being more generous, since my early 20s) are either married or are in stable, long-term relationships. Even the handful that are single have had at least one of those under the belt. Me? I'm starting to realize that mentally, I'm unable to handle it. Yes, the being alone gets to me sometimes, but I realize that I'm used to it so I regard this as 'normal' to me. There are times where I will go weeks without contacting anyone outside of work. I make sure I shop for groceries late at night because I don't want to be bothered by anyone. I live alone and it has been at least four years since I've even had someone over to visit, with the exceptions of now ex-partners. My latest ex was the only person to have set foot in this house besides myself and my mother since 2011. It's been over five years since I've had friends regularly over.
Sometimes a part of my mind fools myself with the idea of selling most everything I own, saving for a few months, packing what little would remain into my car and just leaving, never to be seen here again. However, I know that won't solve anything and create far more problems than it would ever solve. The fresh start wouldn't last long, and I'm the kind of person who would find some way of mucking it up. There's not much of a way out for me so here I remain, despite how much the open road begs me to attack it with my GT-Four. As I mentioned that's not a feasible or logical act, so I keep myself from doing it. However, I wonder if one day I wake up to find myself starting to go to work just to head in the opposite direction, going anywhere but here.
I really have no major plan for life, and I doubt I'll ever be forward thinking enough to have one. I can plan maybe a couple of years out, but my life has been chaotic to the point where I have said 'why bother?' to trying to think even five years out. Five years ago today I was working for the family business, in what would be a short term, explosive rebound relationship with someone I have zero contact with now, surrounded by friends who have fled to all corners of the Earth... living from paycheck to paycheck and overall trying to survive. I had my '91 Acura Legend primed and ready at all times, able to drop everything at a single text or phone call and head out anywhere to see friends. Now? I'm making more money now than I ever had before and am definitely not living paycheck to paycheck, I've got a GT-Four back in my possession, but no real time to enjoy her. Weeks like these I'm tied to an electronic leash, just a dog waiting to be called by someone with an issue I need to fix. I feel like I'm giving my life to my job but not really getting myself back in return. Is this all that life is? A struggle against the clock, wasting your identity to survive and try to thrive until you end up in a box somewhere? It's a very bleak outlook but I have to see it like that. Where's the satisfaction supposed to come from?
So, I fill things up with distraction. That's about what I have at this point. I've decided to actively dissuade any potential partners that come along; I already know how the story will end anyway. I'll try to reconnect with friends, but in all honesty I'm not having much luck. I'm sure some of them have given up on me, and I don't exactly blame them... it's hard keeping up with someone who might hang out with their closest friends a handful of times a year. It's very difficult to get the motivation to go out, especially on weekday nights during which I work and most of my friends do not. I've noticed that most of my friends have different interests than me which also make it a bit difficult. While I'm a major PC hardware geek I'm not interested in multiplayer gaming, especially MMOs. Most of the friends I have that game play MMOs almost exclusively, and those that don't play online shooters. I exclusively play single-player games; it's decompression time away from people. I have gone out to a few car meets, but I've come to notice that a very good chunk of the attendees are younger and looking to race on the streets. I've already had to tell a few people who wanted me to run them to back off. I'm there to check out some nice cars; I don't have to prove myself.
I understand that a lot of this disconnect is purely my fault, but at the same time it's my nature. At this point it would be easier on me to give up on being social entirely. And perhaps that's the consequence of growing older; my mind and body is telling me that I need to settle down and withdraw, but I have nothing to settle down with except a couple of cats and a very rare car. As I've mentioned time and time again over the years I have no wish to have children and the mild interest in getting married has dwindled to be placed in the pile of 'dreams' that I've cast off as impractical and unobtainable. Sometimes I wonder if I've made some unknown, invisible decision somewhere that screwed up my entire life and I'm simply going through the motions. Not a pretty thing to think about, but this is the reality of things. Most people sugarcoat their life experiences; I prefer not to. I have to do it so much at work and in social situations that I've just simply given up. This place is one of the few outlets where I can tell it how it really is, without family members and friends coming down on me asking what's wrong and stuffing enough platitudes down my throat that I would choke. I don't want sympathy, nor do I want comments and 'likes' about my personal struggle. A click of the button and a stock 'I'm thinking of you' is very hollow comfort when you've heard it a thousand times before. What I find morbidly amusing about modern society is the concept of social media in the first place. We say we're connecting with people, but in reality we're increasingly distancing ourselves behind our monitors and smartphone screens; the sole purpose of what we put out there being to get other people to click that thumb's up button. Instead of reaching for the phone with the intent to call someone we tap some words out and send it along. What we call connection really isn't; it's a massive disconnect that I'm also guilty of. And it's one I'm sick of.
It's increasingly made me feel online exactly how I felt when trying to be social in real life. How, you may ask? It's simple. Every time I'm at a gathering of people, I am the odd man out. I'm not talked to. I'm not approached. I simply blend into the background. I'm simply the background noise to everyone else's good time. My last refuge was this wild blue nowhere; this place where with the click of a button and no real effort I could genuinely connect with others who felt like me, thought like me, shared my interests and perhaps even thought of me as a kindred spirit. However with the advent of Facebook, Twitter, and all of that stuff the connections started to disappear. The closer we can get to each other the farther we withdraw. And that leaves me feeling I have no refuge left.
As before, I don't want sympathy or stock answers. I'm not taking the time to write this for all of that. This is the struggle that I live every day but never even feel like talking about. There are times I wish I could cry, get angry... something... but the tears just won't come and the anger stays locked away. It's replaced with this overwhelming sense of apathy that simply saps the joy out of everything I do or say. I try to empathize with others who try to express the struggle they go through, but my efforts fall far too short. There are people I wish I could connect with because they actually feel like kindred spirits, but every time I try to reach out I'm rebuked by the dreaded wall of silence which I take as disapproval of my actions and words. I'm held back because I simply don't understand the small social nuances and faux pases that litter our lives like an emotional minefield. One small step and a small thread of connection is severed forever without me being aware I've done anything wrong.
And that's why I'm starting to detest what this society has become. I feel like I'm completely irrelevant and unable to add anything to anyone's life. I really have no greater purpose in life, and I lack the skills, time and motivation to seek one out. So, that's why I sit here typing. Perhaps if I get the words on paper and off of my chest I'll feel a bit better. So far it's not helping.