Eh.
Don't mind this too much. Some venting about things I can't really change and are of little consequence.
Over the past several months, in addition to becoming more withdrawn I've been getting adverse to physical contact. I don't like touching other people or getting touched by them. The most I'll initiate is a handshake, and I'll tolerate getting hugged by family members... but I don't initiate it. I'll apologize for accidentally brushing up against someone, for instance, and I've noticed that my general attitude over the past year has become much more stand-offish. I wonder, in that detached way that makes me feel like I'm a doctor diagnosing a patient, if I have gone past the point of no return, that slippery slope there's no getting back up from. The more I look around, the less my interactions with other people have any real meaning. I'm just going through the motions. I can spend weeks without talking to any of my friends without blinking an eye. I've gone three years without so much as holding hands with someone without really realizing it; things just turned out that way.
I've got too much on my plate to make time for other people; if it isn't a technical problem or a way to get a new vehicle, I really don't want to hear it. Social obligations have ceased to mean anything for me; if I'm not being paid or getting some kind of reward for it I could really care less. Is this depression, or is this something else? Am I just starting to turn into a pompous, lazy asshole with no life outside of work? I guess at the crux of the issue is the fact that I'm becoming more and more disinterested in other people, and this is something I'm just not going to come back from. I can't make myself care about others deeply enough to inconvenience myself. I just want to sit here and wait until the next big thing happens. I'm too tired and can't be arsed to get up and get it. I'm tired of chasing things down. I'd rather they come to me. It also makes the things that I don't want coming my way stay out. This is just my way of ensuring I won't ever get screwed over. I've been through so much damage that I've vowed to never let it happen. The only option I have is shutting everyone out, so that's the route I take; not letting anyone get close enough to me to cause harm. Physical, mental, or emotional. I've got ways of defending myself. Never trusting, always suspicious. That's how I go through life. You can't hurt that which isn't there. That's all.
Over the past several months, in addition to becoming more withdrawn I've been getting adverse to physical contact. I don't like touching other people or getting touched by them. The most I'll initiate is a handshake, and I'll tolerate getting hugged by family members... but I don't initiate it. I'll apologize for accidentally brushing up against someone, for instance, and I've noticed that my general attitude over the past year has become much more stand-offish. I wonder, in that detached way that makes me feel like I'm a doctor diagnosing a patient, if I have gone past the point of no return, that slippery slope there's no getting back up from. The more I look around, the less my interactions with other people have any real meaning. I'm just going through the motions. I can spend weeks without talking to any of my friends without blinking an eye. I've gone three years without so much as holding hands with someone without really realizing it; things just turned out that way.
I've got too much on my plate to make time for other people; if it isn't a technical problem or a way to get a new vehicle, I really don't want to hear it. Social obligations have ceased to mean anything for me; if I'm not being paid or getting some kind of reward for it I could really care less. Is this depression, or is this something else? Am I just starting to turn into a pompous, lazy asshole with no life outside of work? I guess at the crux of the issue is the fact that I'm becoming more and more disinterested in other people, and this is something I'm just not going to come back from. I can't make myself care about others deeply enough to inconvenience myself. I just want to sit here and wait until the next big thing happens. I'm too tired and can't be arsed to get up and get it. I'm tired of chasing things down. I'd rather they come to me. It also makes the things that I don't want coming my way stay out. This is just my way of ensuring I won't ever get screwed over. I've been through so much damage that I've vowed to never let it happen. The only option I have is shutting everyone out, so that's the route I take; not letting anyone get close enough to me to cause harm. Physical, mental, or emotional. I've got ways of defending myself. Never trusting, always suspicious. That's how I go through life. You can't hurt that which isn't there. That's all.